Guest 2balive Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Hey All! I'm new here, but I keep remembering the standard: "God has a wonderful plan for your life . . . " (translation: You're obviously inept and lost and need divine guidance (ie ME) to tell you what to do and how much to pony up into the KFC bucket) "I sense the Lord saying . . . " (I'm doing a cold reading right now and want to impress you and, hopefully, get into your wallet eventually.) When somebody dies, they've "gone on to be with Jesus --- I wish I was going, too!!" (Christianity is a real Catch-22 for me, too. I wish there were some way of escape.) "He was convicted" (No jail time here, just the good old "Lard" keeping him from sin.) "Pastor _______ has a Father's Heart" (This means he's really mean to the people close to him.) "So and so really read my mail!" (The cold/warm/hot readings were sensational and fun. I got flattered!) That's all I can think of right now, but there have got to be more juicy ones on "The Anointing". "OOh! Shambada oohlala! Touch!! Fire!!! Thank You Jesus!!" (Altar Ministry Prayer Language) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dio Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Some really silly bumper stickers: "God is my co-pilot" Ok, just keep your damn hands on the wheel. "My boss is a Jewish carpenter" Oh really? Well my boss is an Italian mafioso. Get the **** outta my way. Other dreadful sayings: "I'm blessed", as in Q. "How are you doing today?" A. "I'm blessed" Great, but you don't understand. I don't really care whether or not you're blessed, I was just asking to be polite. A simple "Fine, thanks" will do. You only said "I'm blessed" to demonstrate your higher level of spirituality to me and thus your superiority to me. If you're blessed, where does that leave me? Not blessed? Cursed? Screw you then. "Let's all join hands in prayer" Let's not. I used to hate it when someone would suggest this. Can't we just pray and keep our grubby hands to ourselves? Who knows where that person-next-to-me's hands have been? "Dio, would you lead us in a closing prayer?" Hell no. Why me? Oh, alright, at least I know it'll be brief and we can get the hell out of here in another 15 seconds. * EDIT* Welcome 2balive! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Oh really? Well my boss is an Italian mafioso. Get the **** outta my way. I WANT THAT ONE ON MY CAR!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JP1283 Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Real Men Love Jesus. Translation: GAG ME. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Casey Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 God helps he who helps himself. Christ help anyone that's caught doing so. Casey Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lizard Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 The father of a teen committed suicide a couple months ago..the response to this was: "All things work together for good." Translation: A really bad thing happened, but I'm Sally Sunshine and I can't just say "I'm sorry" Of course, if you're not a believer, all things don't work together for good, and that's why it happened in the first place.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Real Men Love Jesus. Translation: GAG ME. No, the translation is: Gay is okay if you're Jesus' bitch. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 God helps he who helps himself. Christ help anyone that's caught doing so. Casey Basically: God doesn't do shit, you fix it yourself. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 No, the translation is: Gay is okay if you're Jesus' bitch. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Or my favorite sarcastic response to Tract Carrying Twinks "I won't tell you about Jesus but if you bend over I'll make you scream his name!" :ohmy: PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 The father of a teen committed suicide a couple months ago..the response to this was:"All things work together for good." Translation: A really bad thing happened, but I'm Sally Sunshine and I can't just say "I'm sorry" Of course, if you're not a believer, all things don't work together for good, and that's why it happened in the first place.. That expression is so dangerous. That's the last thing you want to hear as a parent when your kids are hurt or dead. It works to something better what? I realized that there is no way of summarizing life and events in history and see if the total sum is good or bad. It's a zero-sum game, it all comes to zero, nothing either way. 1 Billion bad things + 1 Billion good thinigs = 0 good/evil grade. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 "You are a modern day Job." Or if you haven't suffered enough in the person's eyes, "You should read Job, it will put your situation into perspective." And I did just that, and Yes, it most certainly did. I learned that human suffering was a game between God and Satan, so they could get ego strokings. Yea, I felt soooo much better. Sorry to hear you got that. It must've hurt really bad. I agree it was a game; it was a heavenly poker game between God and Satan. Satan was a better bluffer, he got what he wanted, torture Job for no good reasons, while God lost his image as this wholesome guy and omni-benevolent. Plus the Job story shows that Satan has powers and even can fool God. Satan wasn't honest about the reasons to the test, he wanted to bully around a bit; he wanted a power trip by messing up a humans life. If Satan wants to corrupt someone to lose their righteousness, he has smarter ways than using fire and brimstone - that's God's gig btw - Satan deceive humans to become corrupt. So this is a story about a lousy poker party, where God is gullible, wins the bet, but really loses the game. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 "My boss is a Jewish carpenter" Oh really? Well my boss is an Italian mafioso. Get the **** outta my way. How about: My boss is a God of Thunder and routinely beats the shit out of giants. Did you say anything? Sorry, couldn't resist Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 How about: My boss is a God of Thunder and routinely beats the shit out of giants. Did you say anything? Sorry, couldn't resist My God is bigger and stronger than your God!!! Let the gods have a pissing contest, and see which one can write their name in the snow... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thurisaz Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Let the gods have a pissing contest, and see which one can write their name in the snow... Interesting thought actually... ...which deity would win? The one whose existence is merely unproven and unprovable, or the one who has been thoroughly dispelled and is only kept alive by the babblings of mindless cult zombies? (To our liberal christian friends - I trust you know how I mean that ) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Interesting thought actually... ...which deity would win? The one whose existence is merely unproven and unprovable, or the one who has been thoroughly dispelled and is only kept alive by the babblings of mindless cult zombies? (To our liberal christian friends - I trust you know how I mean that ) Isn't it like the story with Eliah (sp?) and the false prophets, trying to turn on the BBQ for the offerings? I think we should have that kind of contest again, to see who wins. Atheists representing science: a gas BBQ with ignition button Theists representing religion: a pile of coal and no matches or ignition fluid See who wins!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GiantBear Posted July 2, 2005 Share Posted July 2, 2005 Thank you all. This thread has totally made my day! The Bible contains no contradictions God can't deny Himself (verse used by eternal security believers in a way that looks out of context to me) Jesus is my boyfriend (best blow-off line ever!!!) I feel led (translation: I drank some Mountain Dew earlier and then this one thought ran through my head. And then another thought that said I better listen to the first thought.) Spirit-led worship (repetitive songs without much depth) a hedge of protection (Lord, place a hedge of protection around Joe as he endures his struggles blah blah blah) Lord, break him... (Lord, break Joe's spirit so that he can see your truth. Fuck his life up completely until he feels so horrible that he converts. - Amen) I'll have to figure out how to use bold print later. *shrug* Jesus IS a crutch. And OOOHH what a crutch!!! Edit: I fixed your "bolds." -Reach :-) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest 2balive Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Thank you all. This thread has totally made my day! The Bible contains no contradictions God can't deny Himself (verse used by eternal security believers in a way that looks out of context to me) Jesus is my boyfriend (best blow-off line ever!!!) I feel led (translation: I drank some Mountain Dew earlier and then this one thought ran through my head. And then another thought that said I better listen to the first thought.) Spirit-led worship (repetitive songs without much depth) a hedge of protection (Lord, place a hedge of protection around Joe as he endures his struggles blah blah blah) Lord, break him... (Lord, break Joe's spirit so that he can see your truth. Fuck his life up completely until he feels so horrible that he converts. - Amen) I'll have to figure out how to use bold print later. *shrug* Jesus IS a crutch. And OOOHH what a crutch!!! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Thanks! You must have gone to the same kinds of churches I did at the end, too! LOL I love the whole "Lard, break Joe's spirit so that he can see your truth. Fuck up his life completely until he feels so horrible . . . " LMAO!!!!! It's so true!! I'd also forgotten about the "hedge of protection" crap. And the Job stuff referenced here earlier today. Thanks for posting!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
spamandham Posted July 3, 2005 Share Posted July 3, 2005 Know Jesus no peace, no Jesus know peace <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I actualy saw that on a bumper sticker one day and had to do a double take. Then I noticed the "Kiss me I'm Pagan" sticker too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
narcissist Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 "God is testing you." Translation: Man, I hope God doesn't "test" me like he's "testing" you. I don't think I could cope. Similar to "modern day Job" I guess. What loving human father tests any of his children the way God, the "Loving Father", apparently tests us? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
michelle Posted July 5, 2005 Share Posted July 5, 2005 I use to like the bumper sticker with the picture of a director's chair that said: Relax, God Is In Charge. How silly now that I look back on it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest GuitarHound Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 1. " God is Good...ALL the Time! " ( Christians who haven't read the Old Testament ) 2. " I'm Waiting on the Lord " ( Church Singles that can't get a date or have been alone for years ) 3. " The Lord told me to..." ( Heard their OWN conscience ) 4. " I'll Pray About... " ( I'll Think about it and get back with you later ) Rabbi Dan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Reach Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 When I was in bible college guys would brush off a girl with 'I love you with the love of the Lord,' which was supposed to sound spiritual and holy but all it was was 'you're fat' or 'you're ugly.' Precisely! Oh the memories, bdp! That one had a sister phrase, "I love you in the Lord." That is my most hated one, the most vile of all, because what it really meant was, "Personally, I can't stand you and if it were not for my religion forcing me to love you I wouldn't because you are unworthy of being loved by me." Christian "love" for far too many is a definition for hatred and a license to carry it out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
imageownershipproblem Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 "God put this on my heart" has got to be the very worst!!!!! EYEW!!!!!! I still have a gut-wrenching horror when I see that phrase.....oh shit, thankful, don't SAY that! If God put something on your heart to say to me then I'm outa here! Don't even bother banning me!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
dulce Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 Back in my holy days, I actually bought my mother and father -in - law a plaque that reads: Have you heard of my best seller? There will be a test! God That's just embarassing now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Checkmate Posted July 7, 2005 Share Posted July 7, 2005 "LOVE THE SINNER, HATE THE SIN." "CHRISTIANS AREN'T PERFECT, JUST FORGIVEN." "I'VE GOT JESUS LIVING IN MY HEART." "GOD LOVES YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE, BUT HE'S NOT CONTENT TO LEAVE YOU THAT WAY." "LET'S LIFT UP SO-AND-SO IN PRAYER." "I REBUKE THE SPIRIT OF POVERTY/SICKNESS IN THE NAME OF JESUS!" "YOU CAN'T SPEAK IN TONGUES BECAUSE THERE IS SIN IN YOUR LIFE." "YOU CAN'T BE HEALED BECAUSE THERE IS SIN IN YOUR LIFE." "WHEN WE PRAY GOD SOMETIMES SAYS 'NO', SOMETIMES 'WAIT' AND SOMETIMES 'YES'." "I BIND YOU, SATAN, IN THE NAME OF JESUS!" (Who the FUCK keeps letting the bastard loose?) I could probably go on ad infinitum about the nonsense I've been exposed to, but this recitation has passed from being comical to depressing! Blecch!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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