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An Irishman, a Mexican, and a redneck were doing construction work on a

scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch

when the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage!! If I have corned

beef and cabbage for lunch one more time, I'll jump off of this

building."

 

The Mexican opened his lunch box and exclaimed, "Burritos!! If I have

burritos for lunch one more time, I'll jump off too."

 

The redneck opened his lunch and said, "Bologna! If I have bologna for

lunch one more time, I too will jump of this here building."

 

Next day - the Irishman opens his lunch box, sees corned beef and

cabbage and jumps to his death. The Mexican opens his lunch, sees a

burrito and jumps, too. The redneck opens his lunch, sees the bologna

and also jumps to his death.

 

At the funeral - the Irishman's wife is weeping and says "If I'd only

known how really tired he was of corned beef and cabbage, I never would

have given it to him again."

 

The Mexican's wife is also weeping and says "I could have given him

tacos or enchiladas. I didn't realize he hated burritos so much."

 

Everyone turned and stared at the redneck's wife.

 

"Hey, don't look at me," she said, "he makes his own lunch."

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At Duke University, there were four sophomores taking Organic Chemistry.

 

They did so well on all the quizzes, midterms and labs, etc.,that each

had an "A" so far for the semester. These four friends were so confident that

the weekend before finals, they decided to drive up to Charlottesville to

the University of Virginia and party with some friends up there.

 

They had a great time...however, after all the hardy-partying, they

slept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, they decided to find their professor after

the final and explain to him why they missed it.

 

They explained that they had gone to UVA for the weekend with the plan

to come back in time to study, but, unfortunately, they had a flat tire on the

way back, didn't have a spare, and couldn't get help for a long time. As a result,

they missed the final.

 

The Professor thought it over and then agreed they could make up the

final the following day. The guys were elated and relieved.

 

They studied that night and went in the next day at the time the

professor had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a

test booklet, and told them to begin.

 

They looked at the first problem, worth 5 points, something simple about

free radical formation. "Cool," they thought at the same time, each one in

his separate room, "this is going to be easy."

 

Each finished the problem and then turned the page.

On the second page was written: (For 95 points): Which tire?

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A blonde is at a local zoo and comes across a vending machine, which she

has never seen before. She sees the slot for money, gets money out of her purse, puts $.65 into the machine, and pushes a letter and a number. She is mesmerized by the coils turning just enough to let out the candy. So, she does this many more times. After a little while, a man comes up behind her and says,"Miss, could you please move? I would like to get some candy." She replies with,"Excuse me?! Can't you see I'm winning here?!?!"

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This lady approaches a priest and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have these two talking female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."

 

"What do they say?", the priest asked

 

"They only know how to say 'Hi, we are prostitutes. Do you want to have some Fun?"

 

"That's terrible!", the priest exclaimed, "But I have a solution to your

problem. Bring your two talking female parrots over to my house and I will put them with my two male talking parrots who I have taught to pray and read the Bible, then my parrots will teach your parrots to stop saying that terrible phrase and your female parrots will learn to pray and worship."

 

"Thank you" said the lady.

 

So the next day, the lady brings her female parrots to the priest's house. The priest's two male parrots are holding rosary beads and praying in their cage.

 

The lady puts her female talking parrots in with the male talking parrots and

the female parrots say "Hi, we are prostitutes! Do you want to have some Fun?"

 

One male parrot looks over to the other male parrot and says,

"PUT THE BIBLES AWAY! OUR PRAYERS HAVE BEEN ANSWERED!"

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A young woman married and had 13 children. Her husband died.

She soon married again and had 7 more children. Again, her husband died.

 

But, she remarried and this time had 5 more children. Alas, she finally

croaked.

 

Standing before her coffin, the preacher prayed to the Lord above,

thanking him for this loving woman

who fulfilled his commandment to "Go forth and multiply."

 

In his final eulogy, he noted, "Thank you Lord, they're finally

together."

 

Leaning over to his neighbor, one mourner asked... "Do you think he

means her first, second or third husband?"

 

The other mourner then replied... "I think he means her legs."

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So one morning this blonde calls her friend and says "Please

come over and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't

figure out how to start it."

Her friend asks "What is it a puzzle of?"

The friend says "From the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

So, the blonde's friend figures that he's pretty good at

puzzles, so he heads over to her place. She lets him in the door and

shows him to the table where she has the puzzle spread all over the

table.

He studies the pieces for a minute, then studies the box. He

then turns to her and says:

"First, no matter what I do, I'm not going to be able to show

you how to assemble these to look like the picture of that tiger."

"Second, I'd advise you to have a cup of coffee and put all

these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

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A man is dating three women and wants to decide which to

marry. He decides to give them a test. He gives each woman a present

of $5000 and watches to see what they do with the money.

 

The first does a total makeover. She goes to a fancy

beauty salon, gets her hair done, new make up and buys several new outfits

and dresses up very nicely for the man. She tells him that she has done

this to be more attractive for him because she loves him so much.

 

The man was impressed.

 

The second goes shopping to buy the man gifts. She gets him a new set

of golf clubs, some new gizmos for his computer, and some expensive

clothes. As she presents these gifts, she tells him that she has spent

all the money on him because she loves him so much.

 

Again, The man is impressed.

 

The third invests the money in the stock market. She earns several times

the $5000. She gives him back his $5000 and reinvests the remainder in

a joint account. She tells him that she wants to save for their future

because she loves him so much.

 

Obviously, the man was impressed.

 

The man thought for a long time about what each woman had done with

the money, and then he married the one with the biggest boobs.

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This blonde was driving down an old country road when she spots another

blonde in a wheat field rowing a boat. She pulls over to the side of the

road and stops the car. Staring in disbelief she stands at the side of

the road to watch the woman for a while. When she could not stand it

anymore she called out to the blonde in the field. "Why are you rowing a

boat in the middle of the field?" The blonde in the field stops rowing and

responds, " Because it is an ocean of wheat." The blonde standing on

the side of the road is furious. She yells at the blonde in the field. "It

is dumb blondes like you that give the rest of us a bad name." The blonde

in the field just shrugged her shoulders and began rowing again. The

blonde on the side of the road was beside herself and shook her fist at blonde

in the field yelling, "If I could swim, I would come out there and kick

your ass!"

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When the Body was First Made,

All Its Parts Wanted to be Boss...

 

 

THE BRAIN SAID : Since I control everything and do all the work I should

be boss.

 

THE FEET SAID: Since I carry man where he wants to go and get him to do

what the Brain wants, I should be boss.

 

THE HANDS SAID: Since I must do all the work and earn all the money to

keep all the rest of you going, I should be boss.

 

THE EYES SAID: Since I must look out for all of you and tell you where

danger lurks, I should be boss.

 

And so it went with the Heart, the Ears, and the Lungs.

 

Finally the Asshole spoke up and demanded that he be boss. All the other

parts laughed and laughed at the idea of an asshole being boss.

 

The Asshole was so angered that he blocked himself off and refused to

function. Soon the Brain was feverish, the Eyes crossed and ached, the Feet were too weak to walk, the Hands hung limply at his side, the Heart and Lungs struggled to keep going.

 

All pleaded with the Brain to relent and let the Asshole be boss, and so

it happened. All parts did the work and the Asshole just bossed and passed out a lot of shit.

 

MORAL: You don't have to be a brain to be boss, just an Asshole.

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An old man was sitting on a bench in the mall

when a young man with spiked hair came over and sat down beside him.

The boy's hair was yellow and green and orange and purple.

He had black makeup around his eyes.

 

The old man just stared at him.

The boy said, "What's the matter, old man,

haven't you ever done anything wild in your life?"

The old man answered, "Well yes, actually, I have.

I once got drunk and had sex with a parrot.

I was just wondering if you were my son."

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This is a true story told by Mrs. Clifton Horn, whose friend received a

strange reply to a request for

Campground reservations. Here's the tale in the words of Mrs. Horn:

 

"My friend is a rather old fashioned lady, always quite delicate and

elegant, especially in her language. She

and her husband were planning a weeks vacation in Florida, so she wrote

to a particular campground and

asked for a reservation. She wanted to make sure the campground was

fully equipped but didn't quite

know how to ask about the toilet facilities. She just couldn't bring

herself to write the word toilet in the

letter. After much deliberation, she finally came up with the old

fashioned term "bathroom commode" but

when she wrote that down, she still thought she was being too forward.

So she started all over again,

rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely

as the "B.C." "Does the

campground have its own "B.C.?" is what she actually wrote. Well, the

campground owner wasn't old

fashioned at all and when he got the letter, he just couldn't figure out

what the woman was talking about.

The B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it a while,

he showed the letter to several

campers, but they couldn't imagine what the lady meant either. So the

campground owner, finally coming

to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about the location of the

Baptist Church, sat down and

wrote the following reply:

 

"Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but

I now take the pleasure of

informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground

and is capable of seating 250

people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in

the habit of going regularly, but no

doubt you will be pleased to know that a great number of people take

their lunches along and make a day

of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. The last time my wife

and I went was six years ago, and it

was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may

interest you to know that right

now there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They are

going to hold it in the basement

of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not to be able to

go more regularly, but it surely is

no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of

an effort, particularly in cold

weather. If you do decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I

could go with you the first time

you go; sit with you and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember

this is a friendly community."

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A farmer advertised his mule for sale. It was a good mule, and he expected a handsome price for it.

 

A harelip approaches and asks, ”Isn dat Hnule f’sale?”

 

“Of course,” replied the farmer.

“Hmine hfi nlook at hner tneetf ?

“What?” asked the puzzled farmer.

“HMIND HIF I HNLOOK AT NHER TEEF?” shouted the harelip.

“Oh, you want to look at her teeth! Of course; go ahead.”

 

The harelip examines the mule’s teeth.

 

“Hnthat’s hnice hmule.” The harelip says. “Hmine hfi hnlook at hner hnooveth?”

“What?”

“HMINE HNFI HNLOOK AT HUA HNOOFS?” shouted the angry harelip, much to the consternation of the farmer.

“Oh! You want to see her hooves. Of course.”

 

“Hnat’s a hnice nhmule.” The harelip observes. “Hmine nhfi nhlook at nher twat?”

 

The farmer reddens. “You sick bastard! How’s this?”

He grabs the harelip and thrusts his face into the mule’s posterior and rubs it there vigorously.

Sputtering and struggling to free himself, the harelip shouts “Hnodammit! Can I hnrephrase the question? Hmine hfi see nher gallop?”

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A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer. The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."

 

The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.

 

The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to belligerent bears in bars in Billings."

 

The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."

 

The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"

The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.

 

The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."

 

The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."

 

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

.

The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate

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A tour bus driver drives with a bus full of seniors down

a highway, when a little old lady taps him on his shoulder.

 

She offers him a handful of almonds, which he gratefully

munches down.

 

After approx.15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder

again and she hands him another handful of almonds.

 

She repeats this gesture about eight times.

 

At the ninth time he asks the little old lady why they do

not eat the almonds themselves, whereupon she replies

that it is not possible because of their old teeth,

they are not able to chew them.

 

"Why do you buy them then?" he asks puzzled.

 

Where upon the old lady answers, "We just love the

chocolate around them."

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  • 2 weeks later...

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.

 

"Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"

 

"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination,"says Sister Helen. Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

 

"What shall I do now?" she shouts.

 

"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican,"says Sister Helen.

 

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer.

 

Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.

 

"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.

 

"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.

 

"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn.

 

She opens the window and shouts, "Get the fuck off the car!"

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Driving Award

 

John was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, "Is there a problem, Officer?"

 

"No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you're going to do with the money?"

 

John thought for a minute and said, "Well, I guess I'll go get that drivers' license."

 

Judi, sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, "Oh, don't pay attention to him -- he's a smartbutt when he's drunk and stoned."

 

Brian from the back seat said, "I TOLD you guys we wouldn't get far in a stolen car!!!"

 

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, "Are we over the border yet?"

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Bubba applied for an engineering position at a Lake Charles refinery. A Yankee applied for the same job and both applicants having the same qualifications were asked to take a test by the manager. Upon completion of the test, both men only missed one of the questions.

 

The manager went to Bubba and said, "Thank you for your interest but we've decided to give the Yankee the job."

 

Bubba asked: "And why are you giving him the job? We both got nine questions correct. This being the South, and me being a Southern boy I should get the job!"

 

The manager said: "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but rather on the one question that you both missed."

 

Bubba then asked: "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?"

 

The manager replied: "Bubba, it's like this, on question #4 the Yankee wrote, "I don't know." You wrote, "Neither do I."

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Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

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A patient says, ''Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip, I was having dinner with my mother-in-law

and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter? But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life.'''

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'A man and a friend are playing golf one day. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. 'He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer. His friend says, "'Wow that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You are truly a kind man.' 'The friend replies: 'Yeah, well, we were married 35 years.'''

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  • 2 weeks later...

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad new is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need... a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit.. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years."

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a moment and said, "Sure."

The salesman said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you, I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

 

New suit - $400

 

New shirt - $36

 

New underwear - $6

 

Second Opinion - PRICELESS

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In a recent Channel 9 news broadcast, it was announced that Lorena Bobbitt's sister Louella was arrested for an alleged attempt to perform the same act on her husband as her famous sister had done several years ago. Sources reveal the sister was not as accurate as Lorena.

 

She allegedly missed the target and stabbed her husband in the upper thigh causing severe muscle and tendon damage. The husband is reported to be in serious, but stable condition, and Louella has been charged with

 

 

(scroll down)

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

A Misdewiener!

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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary

wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would

like the body dressed. He points out that the man does

look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

The widow, however, says that she always thought her

husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants

him in a blue suit. She gives the mortician a blank

check and says, "I don't care what it costs, but

please have my husband in a blue suit for the

viewing."

 

The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her

delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous

blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits

him perfectly. She says to the mortician, "Whatever

this

cost, I'm very satisfied. You did an excellent job and

I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?"

 

To her astonishment, the mortician presents her with

the blank check. "There's no charge," he says.

 

"No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of

that exquisite blue suit!" she says.

 

"Honestly, ma'am," the mortician says, "it cost

nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your

husband's size was brought in shortly after you left

yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave

wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no

difference as long as he looked nice.

 

So I just switched the heads."

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A man who just died is delivered to the mortuary

    wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.

 

    The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would

    like the body dressed. He points out that the man does

    look good in the black suit he is already wearing.

 

   

:eek:

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Bob goes to confession. "Bless me Father, he said, for I have sinned."

 

The priest asked, "What did you do, my son?"

 

"I lusted," Bob replied.

"Tell me about it," the priest said.

 

Bob then related his story. "Father, I am a deliveryman for Fed Ex. Yesterday I was making a delivery in the affluent section of the city. When I rang the bell, the door opened and there stood the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. She had long blonde hair and eyes like emeralds. She was dressed in a sheer dressing gown that showed her perfect figure. And, she asked if I would like to come in."

 

"And, what did you do, my son?" asked the priest.

 

"Father, I did not go in the house but I lusted. Oh, how I lusted," replied Bob.

 

"Your sin has been forgiven," replied the priest. "You will get your reward in heaven, my son."

 

"A reward, father? What do you think my reward might be?" Bob asked.

 

 

 

The priest replied, "I think a bale of hay would be appropriate, you jackass."

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