Why I Am No Longer A Xian

[rayskidude]

The story of Rod & Numan >> Paradise Lost

 

rayskidude says >> Well, I guess this is what passes for clever around here.

 

My name's Numan.

 

Is this a rip-off from Seinfeld?

 

I got a letter from a big company president, Rod, saying I was hired. It was a tough job, requiring me to go against my ownnature at times, but to work hard and I'd succeed.

I was to make a great deal, but here's the catch, I wouldn't know how much until payday. I was suspicious, but Rod said every Numan had a payday, only no Numan knows exactly when.

 

Wow - Numan is an employee that doesn't understand the basics of grace? Or eternal security? How'd he keep his job? Even the little kids in my church know about these things.

 

I consulted the company manual, and it raised more questions than it answered.

 

And Numan lacks skillz in reading comprehension, too.

 

My co-workers didn't seem to notice that the intercom didn't work.

 

Maybe the intercom worked when they operated it. Maybe it was operator-error by Numan, which is consistent with what Numan has already told us about his illustrious career.

 

Then I saw the answer. There was no Rod. The various department bosses may have thought there was, and certainly had the workers convinced, but I couldn't make myself believe that a decent Rod would run a company like this.

 

Hey - the emperor has no clothes! How clever - and Why hasn't anybody thought of this story before?!

 

So I quit.

 

Ah yes - the sure sign of a champion with character - blame the other guy! Hip Hip Hooray!

 

Hey - have you sold any short stories to Reader's Digest?

[par4dcourse]

You have entirely too much time on your hands.

[oddbird1963]

How apropos for Rayskidude to argue with a parable! He talks about nothing and argues with nothing - all the time! I wonder what got him so bothered.

[chosendarkness]

How apropos for Rayskidude to argue with a parable! He talks about nothing and argues with nothing - all the time! I wonder what got him so bothered.

 

Probably has always been a douche, now religious wonderment has made him into a major douche.

[rayskidude]

You have entirely too much time on your hands.

 

Responding to your 'parable' required all of 10 minutes.

 

C'mon people, in all honesty, did you really find Par4dcourse's little diddy insightful, funny, thought-provoking, etc? Does it really rise above the level of what a 13-yr old kid, who's enamored with his own gray matter, would write?

 

Oh yeah, and your quote from Dr House - amazing how folks who parade themselves as purveyors of reality rely on the thoughts of Hollywood fiction writers.

 

Re: Christopher Hitchens >> I have much respect for him, and like many other Christians I have prayed for him re: his spiritual and physical health. I simply believe he has drawn false conclusions based on anecdotal evidence.

 

John 20:24–31 (ESV)

Jesus and Thomas

24 Now Thomas, one of the Twelve, called the Twin, was not with them when Jesus came. 25 So the other disciples told him, “We have seen the Lord.” But he said to them, “Unless I see in his hands the mark of the nails, and place my finger into the mark of the nails, and place my hand into his side, I will never believe.”

26 Eight days later, his disciples were inside again, and Thomas was with them. Although the doors were locked, Jesus came and stood among them and said, “Peace be with you.” 27 Then he said to Thomas, “Put your finger here, and see my hands; and put out your hand, and place it in my side. Do not disbelieve, but believe.” 28 Thomas answered him, “My Lord and my God!” 29 Jesus said to him, “Have you believed because you have seen me? Blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed.”

 

The Purpose of This Book

30 Now Jesus did many other signs in the presence of the disciples, which are not written in this book; 31 but these are written so that you may believe that Jesus is the Christ, the Son of God, and that by believing you may have life in his name.

[rayskidude]

Probably has always been a douche, now religious wonderment has made him into a major douche.

 

Hey - get it right! I am the Most Annoying Christian - the Big MAC. Stay current, bro.

 

BTW - do you have something you want to discuss, or are you content with your ad hominem comments?

 

My prayer for all my ex-C buddies;

 

Colossians 1:9–14 (ESV)

9 And so, from the day we heard, we have not ceased to pray for you, asking that you may be filled with the knowledge of his will in all spiritual wisdom and understanding, 10 so as to walk in a manner worthy of the Lord, fully pleasing to him, bearing fruit in every good work and increasing in the knowledge of God. 11 May you be strengthened with all power, according to his glorious might, for all endurance and patience with joy, 12 giving thanks to the Father, who has qualified you to share in the inheritance of the saints in light. 13 He has delivered us from the domain of darkness and transferred us to the kingdom of his beloved Son, 14 in whom we have redemption, the forgiveness of sins.

[oddbird1963]

Rayskidude's taken to tossing magic words from his book of tall tales and spells at us. If he were with us in person, he might toss some magic dust our way.

[par4dcourse]

Responding to your 'parable' required all of 10 minutes.

 

 

The limits of your attention span perhaps? And do you think your cutting and pasting of quotes from the Big Book of Jewish Faery Tales couldn't be done by trained chimp?

 

I've had no previous occasion to engage Rayskidude, and I sincerely hope that trend continues.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[florduh]

Larry, he has us at a disadvantage. We have no book of Truth to cut and paste from. We have to actually think and respond rationally.

 

Here's my idea. Why not cut and paste paragraphs from Dr. Seuss in response to Biblical cut and paste jobs? I'm tired of wasting my own thoughts and words on them.

[agnosticator]

Here's my idea. Why not cut and paste paragraphs from Dr. Seuss in response to Biblical cut and paste jobs? I'm tired of wasting my own thoughts and words on them.

 

No need:

Dr. Seuss Bible

 

Obtained from: Kids in the Hall FAQ

Transcribed by: Bezoomny@aol.com, kurts@infinet.com and palah001@maroon.tc.umn.edu

 

Cast:

 

Dave Foley-- the cat in the hat

Bruce McCulloch-- prophet/pharaoh

Kevin McDonald-- prophet/pharaoh

Mark McKinney -- Sam Zittle

Scott Thompson-- Jesus

 

Dave: And now . . . the Dr. Seuss Bible! "One day," God said, "This is what I will do. I'll send down my son, I'll send him to you, to clear up this humpity bumpity hullabaloo. His name will be Christ and he'll never wear shoes. And his pals will all call him the King of the Jews!"

 

He didn't come in a plane, he didn't come in a jeep, he didn't come in the pouch of a high-jumping vo veep. He road on the back of a black sasatoo - which is the blackiest creature you ever could view. He road to Jerusalem - home of the grumpity Jews - where false prophets were worshipped, some even in two's. There was Murray von Muir and Genghis Vo Vooze - the one you could worship by taking a snooze.

 

Christ spoke from a mound, which is a pile of ground and people gathered around without making a sound. Thus he spake . . . Sin in socks, socks full of sin. How do we quiet this Jehovity din? "Do unto others as they do unto you" That includes you young Timothy Foo!! (points to a little boy) One pharisee said to another he knew -

 

Kevin: What shall we do with this upitty Jew?

 

Bruce: We can wash him in wine and make him all clean and into Sam Zittle's crucifixion machine!!!

 

Dave: Twirl the gawhirl and release the gavlease and in go the nails as fast as you please. And it is said that he said as he bled -

 

Scott: Forgive them Father, for they know not what they do, for they walk through this life in two crappity shoes.

 

All: Do you?

 

Dave: Amen! [closes the Bible, walks off with child]

 

Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video ref

[florduh]

Thanks, agnosticator! That was enlightening!!

[par4dcourse]

Thanks, agnosticator! That was enlightening!!

 

Verily, thou art a prophet.

[agnosticator]

Thanks, agnosticator! That was enlightening!!

 

Verily, thou art a prophet.

 

I hope you are insulting Florduh, not me. I ain't no prophet. I run Sam Zittle's crucifixion machine!

[agnosticator]

Thanks, agnosticator! That was enlightening!!

 

You're welcome. Now let us take off our socks full of sin and our crappity shoes. Woohoo!

[florduh]

With crappity shoes and a floppity jock,

I fear I may really have nothing to mock.

 

GLORY!

 

Take that, apologist flock!

[agnosticator]

With crappity shoes and a floppity jock,

I fear I may really have nothing to mock.

 

When I first read this, I pictured a jockstrap that was too loose!

[rayskidude]

We have to actually think and respond rationally.

 

Yeah - I keep waiting on those rational thoughts from you guys; when ya gonna start?

 

Romans 1:21–23 (ESV)

21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Claiming to be wise, they became fools, 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

[florduh]

We have to actually think and respond rationally.

 

Yeah - I keep waiting on those rational thoughts from you guys; when ya gonna start?

 

Romans 1:21–23 (ESV)

21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Claiming to be wise, they became fools, 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Do you ever have a thought of your own? Rational or not? Seriously, your OWN thought, crafted with YOUR own logic and not merely a parroting from the only book you seem to own. Seriously.

[rayskidude]

We have to actually think and respond rationally.

 

Yeah - I keep waiting on those rational thoughts from you guys; when ya gonna start?

 

Romans 1:21–23 (ESV)

21 For although they knew God, they did not honor him as God or give thanks to him, but they became futile in their thinking, and their foolish hearts were darkened. 22 Claiming to be wise, they became fools, 23 and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for images resembling mortal man and birds and animals and creeping things.

Do you ever have a thought of your own? Rational or not? Seriously, your OWN thought, crafted with YOUR own logic and not merely a parroting from the only book you seem to own. Seriously.

 

So, lemme get this straight >> your thoughts are completely your own? Not based on anything but your own myopic personal logic? You're not consciously reading and studying the thoughts of others, gleaning insight from their studies, and working through your own Weltanschauung through a process of careful discovery and drawing logical conclusions?

 

You're not reading re: philosophy. religion, histopy, etc to establish a thoughtful moral and rational basis for your life?

 

You're just watching TV?

 

Fact is - I am reading, thinking, processing, assembling - and when I see a quote that sums up things nicely - well, I post it.

[par4dcourse]

 

Fact is - I am reading, thinking, processing, assembling - and when I see a quote that sums up things nicely - well, I post it.

 

It's simple Florduh. An ancient book of goat fuckers' mental gymnastics just happens to contain every thought he's ever had.

 

 

 

[Thackerie]

 

Fact is - I am reading, thinking, processing, assembling - and when I see a quote that sums up things nicely - well, I post it.

 

It's simple Florduh. An ancient book of goat fuckers' mental gymnastics just happens to contain every thought he's ever had.

 

 

This ray person is like the rabid skunk at the picnic. Here we heathens were having a good time laughing at a great parable and this creep shows up to insult us and spew out yet more bible garble. Is he really stupid enough to think that this approach will win us back somehow? Or, is he just a nasty, abusive person oozing with anger?

[Thumbelina]

Oooooh, I do love parables. I hope Par does not mind.

 

 

 

 

Parable of Rod and Numan (rewrite)

 

 

 

My name's Rod. I am a big company president. I have an extremely generous heart and I am rich beyond belief and I want to share my riches with others. I have perfect morals and I take care of my body and I believe others should do the same too. I really like caring for others so I put out advertisements and l sent out letters to the unfortunate and downright destitute saying that I have a lot of beautiful houses for whoever wants them. The only stipulation I had is if they like me they can keep the 10 rules. Don't get me wrong, they don't keep the rules to get the houses, it is just that the rules are necessary to keep harmony in the vicinity where the houses are. I also do not expect them to keep the rules in their own strength, I will give them the strength to work (when I talk to people and they actually listen, they get a boost of energy and joy) together as long as they ask me for help; I don't force myself on anyone, I invite them and let them choose.

 

 

The people that signed up are used to getting high,telling fibs, stealing, looking at other people's stuff and having attitudes from being mildly selfish to downright ornery. I told them I realize that that is how they are used to living but it is not necessary for I care for them and have provided for all their needs and I'm sure they would love my plan if they give it a try. I am pretty sure if they are WILLING to come and they see how good it is they will want to stay tell others how fortunate they are. I mean everybody on the planet has some sort of inkling about my offer but a lot are still reticent; they need others who experienced living this life to tell them about it. If after a trial basis and they don't like it they can go back to the life they had but that leads to death; I have the fountain of youth! If they wish to continue because they love their experiences and because we get along fabulously then they get an even bigger house, a mansion in fact and they can do space travel, we'll have a terrific time together. It will only work if they stick with the campaign and we ALL get along though.

 

 

I am in such good shape physically and mentally that negative people can get sick by it because they are so used to crap. The building that we will be campaigning from (I want as many people as I can get to benefit from my offer) is so high tech that it can pick up on negative emotions and behavior. There are machines that record everything that goes on in there. However, I have these high tech outfits for each person to wear that protects them from their own folly. Don't worry, they are not ugly outfits; they are quite dapper, if I must say so myself As long as the people put these outfits on they won't get sick (withdrawal from their crappiness) and there is a component in it that over time will make the people experience less and less withdrawal, until eventually they are assimilated and they are perfect too.

 

 

I have a manual that I call books of the Book and it describes my perfection to a tee and it outlines other campaigns that I have had and the achievements and failures of other people that signed up. This manual is a real asset, however, there are some aspects of it that I made hard to comprehend because I had people in the past, pretend to follow the instructions from it but they did not put on my special outfit that I prepared for them and it disturbed the peace for everyone.To understand it, a person has to make sure they have on their outfits AND they have to have conference calls with me; once you get the hang of it you will LOVE it. I control all of this from out of space but any time you want to talk to me, if you need something from the manual explained call me immediately and I'll help you and when you get to the tough portions I'll help you.

 

 

So first day of campaigning and here comes Numan. Numan put on his special outfit and he read the manual and he asked the workers for help. Some workers did not put on the special outfit and Numan was asking them. Some put on their outfits and read the manual but they weren't concentrating and could not help Numan. Some put on their outfits and read the manual and called me, Rod and they knew some of what was needed and they wanted to help Numan. Numan listened and did OK for awhile. Numan got the hang of it for a while and he surpassed a number of his fellow campaigners and he realized that some of their teachings were sort of off. Some disobeyed and went into withdrawal. When others saw how sick the others got, they behaved, but their hearts' weren't in it because they stupidly wanted their old lives back and yet they wanted the mansion. How long can one keep pretending? Some campaigners had stopped contacting me, Rod and I had to allow them to go into withdrawal with convulsions and all because they CHOSE not to wear their suits AND ask me for help.

 

 

 

Numan won't ask for help either. He was looking at the other folks who were not following the instructions and Numan was concentrating on them so much that he forgot about the ones who were striving to do what was right. Alas, Numan took up his old habit of wearing glasses with thick wooden lenses that he absolutely could not see through and wearing construction earplugs so he could not hear anything. Maybe he saw some atheists out there doing that while he was campaigning and they encouraged him to follow? A couple of times when Numan actually took out one ear plug, the supervisor as well as other sincere campaigners (even though they made some mistakes) got to tell him he should not be blinding and deafening himself. Numan did not listen. The supervisor even tried to stop him but he won't have it. Numan tried to campaign like that (blind and deaf) but it just was not working. I Rod, knew what was going on and tried to get through to Numan but to no avail, Numan won't hear. Numan did not choose to follow the instructions and subsequently was quite unhappy.

 

 

To get into a conference call with me, Numan needed to do what some of his fellow campaigners were doing i.e. not blinding themselves or looking at seemingly insincere campaigners (they had faults but really wanted to work with me to change them; I am quite gracious you know). Numan stumbled around the office and I Rod, wanted to talk to him so badly but Numan chose not to follow the right procedure and He thought the ones that did were nuts, so he quit.

 

 

 

Several of Numan's former campaigners did not read the manual right or weren't paying attention at orientation and some told Numan that he will still get the mansion and travel anyway. Others told him that Rod was wrathful. I Rod, am not wrathful, it is just that my goodness will be so intense that people who do not get the special suits and assimilate into our community will not be able to willingly campaign for others and they will go into shock around me and they will convulse and implode and die.

 

 

 

Others who sincerely stayed with the campaign and who LOVED it and had faith in me and who realized that my rules were awesome (because of that, they want to campaign like crazy), will see that Numan did try for a while. They would like to see Numan read the manual (Numan was allowed to have a manual when he left) AND consult me [Rod] and come back to the campaign. Numan would need to leave his wooden glasses and earplugs behind of course, he can rejoin the campaign and eventually get his mansion, space travel and meet me face to face.

[florduh]

Thank you, Thumbelina, for putting some effort and thought into your post rather than simply cutting and pasting Scripture. It's a nicely crafted, coherent story. I just disagree with the premise.

[Vigile]

Oh yeah, and your quote from Dr House - amazing how folks who parade themselves as purveyors of reality rely on the thoughts of Hollywood fiction writers.

 

Had you not quoted from works of fiction in this same post this wouldn't be so funny, but as it stands, fuckin' hilarious.

[Vigile]

Kids in the Hall: Another example of something far more profound and worth our time than the bible. Not that what the Kids offer is all that enlightening, but the bar is set pretty low here.