What Killed Your Faith For Good?

[RaLeah]

It was kinda on the peak of my spiritual christian life. After getting involved in deliverance ministry that was not of our church (yes when I think back I can say I was lucky I have never met someone who would have put me into a mental hospital for it or worse) and also healing prayer ministry at our church...after attending prayer meetings with our youngsters at university...after starting to pray for hours at home...really seeking this exclusive God experience...after reading the bible for hours to find truth and wisdom and enlightenment...after all that, I went to see a friend who back then worked at a christian book store and talked to her about my still feeling so stuck and not getting anywhere with my faith. She gave me a gook as a gift. Its name in German was something with wild goose. The English title was: So You Don't Want To Go To Church Anymore? I don't know if I had read it if she would have given me the English version...I was so into this spiritual stuff, but felt sooooooo empty at the same time. 

 

So I read that book and basically the author questioned everything we thought church and christianity was packed into a nice story about a pastor who met a weird guy who seemed to have a different approach to all of it. It got straight to my heart and I started to think about all and it all made sense. So I took the decision to leave what we call church. It was a radical decision since I did not have much friends outside of church and I already realized that those "friendships" I had within where superficial and not real. So I knew it would be a hard time and I would feel lost on Sundays and the other days I had church activities that where no longer part of my life.

 

It was also frightening because of all the spiritual demon stuff I just got into and well you know...the thought of this being a demon attack to get me out of the way sorta...

Anyways, I just wanted to find the real deal and obviously I had not found it in all those church-years. So I did not really leave my faith. It was more like: OK Got, I had been looking for you all my life, but I am tired because I had not found you and I really don't know what else I could/should do so you would let yourself be found...if you really want this relationship, it is up to you now. I am open to it, but I also am done with the way christianity lays it out.

 

Just before my leaving church I started to make plans to go to the US to do a spiritual year at a church and I was starting to save up money for it. When I left church that was no longer an option for me, so I decided to finally do something only for myself and all by myself...without any higher meaning or so...and I decided to travel, to take Spanish classes in Costa Rica etc.

 

Before leaving I think I was still pretty much a believer. Then the nine months traveling and all that came afterwards made me let go bit by bit of mindsets and believes...not intentionally, it was more a subconscious process. While traveling I called myself a hopeful agnostic. Because I wanted someone to be in charge of this planet, who was able to fix all of it at the end of times. Right now this somehow lost its importance to me. At the moment I want to find a happy life, to get to find out more about who I am and what my very own life is all about. So its like: I am not an atheist, but I am not a believer, I am a "who cares? I am here and so are you and somehow we are to live this life".

 

I must say, I felt and sometimes when I think back still feel so ashamed for all that junk I said to other people, believers and non believers. Also certain things I had done and then I mourn sometimes about the good time I could have had if I wasn't all that narrow minded.

 

So for now I am just curious where my life will go.

Thanks for reading 

 

I love this. Thank you for sharing it. 

 

I want to quote you a bit from a Star Trek: TNG episode entitled "Tapestry" (somehow we were allowed and encouraged to watch and read wonderfully secular things, even while growing up in an otherwise strict Christian household), but anyway, Q gives Captain Picard a chance to go back in time and "undo" a regrettable moment where he brashly confronts someone who stabs him in the heart (thereby requiring him to have an artificial heart that gives out in his present time when a "real" heart wouldn't have and he's getting life-or-death surgery.) He makes a wish to undo his past stupidity, and he does so... only to wake up to a life where he is a lowly ensign in present day rather than a captain. He's confused. He asks Q why he's so demoted in rank. Q says something like, "You wanted to undo a time where you were brash, impulsive, strong... the kind of person who got noticed and promoted. You wanted to go back in time and replace your youthful errors with what you know now, to be deliberate, diplomatic, and careful. That young man you were who avoided the confrontation that got him noticed... he played it safe, he was careful, he followed all the rules, and he never... ever... got noticed by anyone at all." Picard later notes once his life is restored to the way it was (and he doesn't end up dying on the operating table after all): "I didn't realize it, the regrets of youth we have as adults, that when we pull on one thread of our youth, we can undo the whole tapestry of our present lives." 

 

I don't regret at all that I was a Christian. Now I understand it. I don't regret I learned and grew and became an atheist. I am right here and now in my life with my past, and I'm at peace with who I am. I wouldn't be me if I didn't have my parents, my previous experiences, my choices, my knowledge. I love the tapestry of my life. I won't pull on any past threads out of regret. I was who I was, and I did the best I could at that time and learned everything I could. I'm grateful for those experiences. 

 

All this is to say... don't feel ashamed. You did the best you could with who you were and what you knew at the time. Look forward. Don't ever waste time regretting. Make amends where you can, if you can. But don't ever wish you hadn't been where you were. It's all a part of your life story, of who you are now, and you have greater understanding and empathy now because of it. 

 

All my best wishes to you!

[moanareina]

Thank you RaLeah

 

Yes thats a good point you mention and i mostly try to see it that way. Now sometimes it just overwhelms me. Also I at the moment I am learning to not take responsibility for what others do with what I say or do...I guess that always being concerned about what comes out of my mouth and how someone else deals with it also comes from that christian infiltration about being responsible for each others and our words etc.

 

What sometimes bothers me is, that well, I have been raised christian and my parents of course had an influence. Now they never used pressure and I actually became the most fundamentalist of my whole family. All by myself. I know that there had been circumstances and all that lead to it, especially my early childhood experiences that left this deep insecurity in me and also the fear of hell that somehow got me at about age 5 or 6. I remember crying in bed while at my grandparents because I could not imagine eternity. There was a moment when I was nineteen/twenty when I almost left it all but somehow at last moment got back to it. Maybe it was not time to see through it the way I do now, so I had to go some twelve more years...just to make sure I never regretted it and went back to really strange believes like some people do.

 

It is weird, but yesterday when I wrote my post tears rolled down my cheeks. And it felt and feels good to have it written down. I hardly come to tell this story. I tell lots of stories, but this one is really one that someone needs to be interested in to hear. To really hear.

[RosebudMarie]

When my mother made he decision to stay with her criminal, cheating, con-artist husband solely because "God gave her a peace about it". When I got a letter from her later saying "I kept praying about writing this, and God kept telling me not to, but now I think he wants me to."

That's when I started letting the doubts creep in. The more I read, the more I couldn't believe. I officially de converted this week, and I'm still grieving. I still believe in a creator and an afterlife, but I'm mostly agnostic or deist.

[RaLeah]

Moanareina and Rosebudmarie, I hear you both, and it's a good reminder of how painful letting go of religion can be. A lot of us experienced that grief and mourned the loss of our years, our family ties, our energy, our money, our certainty, etc. I'm glad you had the courage to de-convert and to share your story and experiences. 

 

Rosebudmarie, I'm sorry about how hard it must be to watch your mother make a bad decision while she believes it's good and comes from God. It's hard to realize that God isn't speaking to anyone about anything ever, it's a person's own intuition or desires leading them in the choices they make, and sometimes that intuition or desire is plain stupid and unhealthy. 

 

I hope you both find peace in your lives as you work through your de-conversion, and I hope you'll stay a part of this community and find the sympathy and support here from others who can empathize with what you're going through. 

[Guest Pixie]

God allowed the Devil to encourage my husband to be attracted to the secretary of my church and she to him. (Sarcastic, of course! LOL) So much for the honorable institution of marriage and all the Godly vows. My faith was completely destroyed. Oh dear -  the ''free will'' that God allowed in the first place that causes nothing but chaos? Thank goodness for true friends that see you through these messes. 

[Kyle2Step]

Of course it was a process of trying to reconcile the unreconcilable. Though after studying the failed prophecy of Jesus to return within the life of his contemporaries, I was in a sense forced out of my beliefs when taking into consideration how the Bible commands believers to treat failed prophets and how to identify a false one.. It was like the bible commanded me to stop believing in Jesus(Deut.18:20-22) It all came down in that moment.

[austere]

Here's something I wrote an hour after I deconverted:

I got linked yesterday (by a Christian!) to ex-mormon.org. Some of the things they were saying about cult-like behaviours reminded me of things that we as Christians do, though by no means as strong as that. Some of the mindsets these ex-mos said they used to have reminded me of mindsets that I knew I had. Something is wrong here, and although I've felt this way for a while, there was too much consistency of thought and practice with how I thought and acted, to be able to dismiss it. So I googled ex christian sites and found ex-christian.net. I felt vaguely guilty about not praying about the material before I read it, or backing as far away from this as possible, but I told myself, if the truth is the truth, it'll stand up.

So I kept reading, half-convinced by some arguments (a lot didn't convince me). Then I found a link to this list: http://awaypoint.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/15-bible-texts-reveal-why-gods-own-party-is-at-war-with-women/

As I went down the list, I got more and more worried. I'd seen a few of these before, but had always read over them with the assumption that they were somehow able to be interpreted differently. And then I hit this about an hour ago:

"And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." 1 Timothy 2: 14-15

"A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." 1 Corinthians 11:7

I don't know why but that did it. I feel so hurt. SO hurt.

I feel completely betrayed. That my church and pastor could stand there and tell me I was worthy and a daughter of God and I could just believe them, when the Bible also basically says I am a second-class citizen... that I could be told by a Christian book that it wasn't just Eve's fault because Adam was there and didn't stop Eve, and he didn't refuse the fruit when she gave it to him, and then be confronted with that 1 Timothy verse up there...

Not to mention the apparent amount of lies creationists have put forward, because what's a lie in one area if it brings somebody to the truth of the main issue?

If the Bible is true then these people have rejected truth and lied to me just because they want to be more comfortable and politically correct or can't reconcile this truth with what they want to think (which is never an excuse); and if the Bible isn't true then they've just been distorting reality anyway.

Now I've got this deep sadness in my chest that I can't get rid of. It's like God's rejected me, purely because I'm the same gender as Eve. I feel like something got stolen. It's like somebody reached inside of me, dug around in the place where I keep all my secrets, and pulled out something I didn't know I was using to help anchor my centre of gravity. I don't feel like I can be worth anything anymore according to the Bible.

I really can't process this right now. Heads you win, tails I lose.

I have nowhere to go. I could go to Christian leaders or the Bible, but I don't trust them anymore. I haven't for a while, ever since my old church let this thread of misogyny seep its way into my church and my life and my brain. Ever since I started taking seriously all those times I asked questions and didn't get good enough answers, and just let it go because I could tell I wasn't going to get any more than that.

My parents are very Christian and would want to help me back to Christianity. I can't face talking to them about it because what if all of this blows over? It's only been a day, I don't want to do anything prematurely that I might regret in the near future. And I don't to hurt them unnecessarily; I love them very much. Plus, my dad especially can be very forceful.

Among my non-Christian friends, I'm the Christian one who follows the rules. If I'm wrong, I'll break their ideas that I might be able to help them find the truth for no reason (actually typing this sounds so arrogant, but hell, I still feel it). If I'm right... well, how can they help me? The ones who know me and my faith, we've already had discussions about it. I'm scared they will be all 'I told you so' and I don't want to say anything to them at the moment anyway.

Among my Christian friends, I'm the slightly rebellious one. If I go to them... put it this way, I really don't want 'help with my doubt'. I don't want to be counselled back into a mentality that I've had for so long I don't even known how far it stretches across my mind. I don't want to be told the 'right answer' according to Christianity as an excuse for encouragement. I want actual encouragement. I want to know that I'll get through this.

I really have nobody to talk to about this. I don't know any ex-Christians.

I don't know if I can get through this with my self-worth and confidence AND my faith all intact. Something's going to have to give. Dammit, I'm so angry right now. It just feels like it's all been lies.

I want to believe in a good God but I can't find the good anymore. I look closer and closer, and there's so much shit and no gold. Where is he?

[waitingongod]

 

It wasn't just one thing that killed my faith- it was a long agonizing process that I almost didn't survive (I think you know what I mean) I believed the propoganda that the Lord would make a way where there is none- well, he didn't. I had real faith that could move mountains- only it couldn't, the mountains stayed right where they were and it broke my faith over a period of horrible years. I probably don't "fit in" here cause even though I dropped my religion I still believe/hope that God is real: but let's define "God". What I worshipped before and devoted my life to was a fake idol- eternal Hell, thought control, brainwashing, anti-science etc etc etc. I'd rather be an atheist and believe there's nothing, but I can't- and I know it could be cause my ape-brain can't help but create gods. "God" to me is an ideal, or the embodiment of our highest ideals even if he/she doesn't really exist. Does a mad creator who criticizes my every thought and tortures my departed loved ones forever for the pettiest imperfections really represent my highest ideals? No way! I still believe that most people have "souls", even if nothing survives death. The "soul" is still part of them, and this finite life-span is eternal even though it begins and ends (this is hard to explain, but I have a condition where I don't always experience the passage of time in linear order so it makes sense to me) Religion puts all this emphasis on your last day, but really it's one of your least important days.

I was just crying last night while doing the dishes because I want so much to believe there is something "benevolent" in the universe who actually gives a shit about humanity. I was crying because I am having serious

doubts...I don't want to believe that just this life is all there is either. I want to hope there is more than just this. I mean, religion really really fucked up my life here, a "do-over" would be great.

 

I considered myself a deist for a while, then questioned that.  Then I wondered well maybe there are individual "gods" the god of anger, kindness, prosperity, sex, love, employment??  It's been hard for me to embrace the idea that

this is all there is...especially knowing I wasted a good amount of THIS life in religious bullshit and all of the years lost.   So, what I'm saying is not all that are here on Ex-C are atheists. Some of us are still holding on that there is something more.

 

None of us know what actually happens after this.  There's no reason you can't decide what will happen, you might just be right.  You don't have to subscribe to any specific description of a deity for there to be something after this.  The most important thing is to forget about the past and what you've "lost" or "wasted", these were just stepping stones to get where you are today. From this day forward is what you focus on, make the most of each one.

[Tezia]

Although I had been exposed to Christianity all my life, I'd been a skeptic since I was 12. What ultimately killed my faith was my own skepticism. I constantly prayed and lived the Christian life, and I didn't see any real results. And given that I am in hard times, I simply told myself that I didn't have time to waste around and wait for something that is never going to show up or happen. So I resolved to live life the way I wanted. 

[moanareina]

Here's something I wrote an hour after I deconverted:

I got linked yesterday (by a Christian!) to ex-mormon.org. Some of the things they were saying about cult-like behaviours reminded me of things that we as Christians do, though by no means as strong as that. Some of the mindsets these ex-mos said they used to have reminded me of mindsets that I knew I had. Something is wrong here, and although I've felt this way for a while, there was too much consistency of thought and practice with how I thought and acted, to be able to dismiss it. So I googled ex christian sites and found ex-christian.net. I felt vaguely guilty about not praying about the material before I read it, or backing as far away from this as possible, but I told myself, if the truth is the truth, it'll stand up.

 

So I kept reading, half-convinced by some arguments (a lot didn't convince me). Then I found a link to this list: http://awaypoint.wordpress.com/2012/03/09/15-bible-texts-reveal-why-gods-own-party-is-at-war-with-women/

 

As I went down the list, I got more and more worried. I'd seen a few of these before, but had always read over them with the assumption that they were somehow able to be interpreted differently. And then I hit this about an hour ago:

 

"And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." 1 Timothy 2: 14-15

 

"A man ought not to cover his head, since he is the image and glory of God; but woman is the glory of man." 1 Corinthians 11:7

 

I don't know why but that did it. I feel so hurt. SO hurt.

 

I feel completely betrayed. That my church and pastor could stand there and tell me I was worthy and a daughter of God and I could just believe them, when the Bible also basically says I am a second-class citizen... that I could be told by a Christian book that it wasn't just Eve's fault because Adam was there and didn't stop Eve, and he didn't refuse the fruit when she gave it to him, and then be confronted with that 1 Timothy verse up there...

 

Not to mention the apparent amount of lies creationists have put forward, because what's a lie in one area if it brings somebody to the truth of the main issue?

 

If the Bible is true then these people have rejected truth and lied to me just because they want to be more comfortable and politically correct or can't reconcile this truth with what they want to think (which is never an excuse); and if the Bible isn't true then they've just been distorting reality anyway.

 

Now I've got this deep sadness in my chest that I can't get rid of. It's like God's rejected me, purely because I'm the same gender as Eve. I feel like something got stolen. It's like somebody reached inside of me, dug around in the place where I keep all my secrets, and pulled out something I didn't know I was using to help anchor my centre of gravity. I don't feel like I can be worth anything anymore according to the Bible.

 

I really can't process this right now. Heads you win, tails I lose.

 

I have nowhere to go. I could go to Christian leaders or the Bible, but I don't trust them anymore. I haven't for a while, ever since my old church let this thread of misogyny seep its way into my church and my life and my brain. Ever since I started taking seriously all those times I asked questions and didn't get good enough answers, and just let it go because I could tell I wasn't going to get any more than that.

 

My parents are very Christian and would want to help me back to Christianity. I can't face talking to them about it because what if all of this blows over? It's only been a day, I don't want to do anything prematurely that I might regret in the near future. And I don't to hurt them unnecessarily; I love them very much. Plus, my dad especially can be very forceful.

 

Among my non-Christian friends, I'm the Christian one who follows the rules. If I'm wrong, I'll break their ideas that I might be able to help them find the truth for no reason (actually typing this sounds so arrogant, but hell, I still feel it). If I'm right... well, how can they help me? The ones who know me and my faith, we've already had discussions about it. I'm scared they will be all 'I told you so' and I don't want to say anything to them at the moment anyway.

 

Among my Christian friends, I'm the slightly rebellious one. If I go to them... put it this way, I really don't want 'help with my doubt'. I don't want to be counselled back into a mentality that I've had for so long I don't even known how far it stretches across my mind. I don't want to be told the 'right answer' according to Christianity as an excuse for encouragement. I want actual encouragement. I want to know that I'll get through this.

 

I really have nobody to talk to about this. I don't know any ex-Christians.

 

I don't know if I can get through this with my self-worth and confidence AND my faith all intact. Something's going to have to give. Dammit, I'm so angry right now. It just feels like it's all been lies.

 

I want to believe in a good God but I can't find the good anymore. I look closer and closer, and there's so much shit and no gold. Where is he?

 

Hi Austere

 

Ah, I can hear you. I remember when I left church, I only told a few who really needed to know because I was either involved in their ministry or attended some group they where leading. And I only told them as much as they could not ask uncomfortable questions. And even my best friend at that time who was also questioning a lot of stuff does not know the whole story. I think it is good to ponder it all for a while and to find out whats really in your heart. What you do believe and why. I was discussing tons of questions at a forum for people who left church and traditional christianity but not faith. It helped but I also felt that the real important questions I had to figure out for myself.

All I can say is, trust in yourself and what you feel within you. When you are angry be angry for as long as you need to.

 

I also had one friend who has become an ex-christian years before I even considered to leave it all behind. While we where flatmates I always thought it was my duty to bring her back to God or at least to be a witness to her so she would find her way back so to speak. It was such a relieve to finally just be me and not having to witness to her or anyone. And you know what. She never was like: See, I told you! when I told her about my decision. She was glad I finally came out of it. So depending on your personality it might be good to keep it all for yourself for a while and when you have found more confidence and clarity what to do, you can fill in one by one in casual conversations.

With my family I told my mom and my grandmother that I did not leave God, I just left Church as we know it. At that time that was true for me, while now its a little different. But I don't need to explain everything to everyone. I need to live and be myself.

 

So I hope that helps a little 

[austere]

moanareina, thanks for your kind words I've been out of the cult for a month and 9 days. Still in the anger stage, I'm afraid

 

I didn't consider not telling my family the whole truth eventually (right now I'm just not going to church or church things even if they ask me to)... but I'm starting to realise that maybe it's a good idea not to, at least for a long time. Thanks for your input there, too

[★ Citsonga ★]

"And Adam was not the one deceived; it was the woman who was deceived and became a sinner. But women will be saved through childbearing—if they continue in faith, love and holiness with propriety." 1 Timothy 2: 14-15

 

....

I feel completely betrayed. That my church and pastor could stand there and tell me I was worthy and a daughter of God and I could just believe them, when the Bible also basically says I am a second-class citizen... that I could be told by a Christian book that it wasn't just Eve's fault because Adam was there and didn't stop Eve, and he didn't refuse the fruit when she gave it to him, and then be confronted with that 1 Timothy verse up there...

 

 

Greetings! Great post! I just thought I'd mention one other aspect of this particular passage that is problematic. It makes no sense to use Eve's alleged deception to paint her as lesser than Adam, because being decieved would mean that she simply made an honest mistake. Adam, on the other hand, would be completely defiant if he wasn't deceived and sinned anyway. To me, this should make him the lesser of the two, because he apparently just didn't give a shit. Even when I was a Christian, that backwards-thinking passage had me confused, and now as an ex-believer I can admit how glaringly stupid it is.

[austere]

(dare I say it?) AMEN! ^^

[Tezia]

I also didn't like the whole Adam and Eve thing. And it's because of this story that many women have been oppressed worldwide and throughout the centuries. Where would we be if this lovely thing wasn't spun up out of someone's imagination? And then some churches twist this around to make it sound like all the women are sinful.

[moanareina]

I also didn't like the whole Adam and Eve thing. And it's because of this story that many women have been oppressed worldwide and throughout the centuries. Where would we be if this lovely thing wasn't spun up out of someone's imagination? And then some churches twist this around to make it sound like all the women are sinful.

 

Hm...Yes the story has been used to oppress women, but, there had to be people who wanted to oppress women in order to use or even invent that story to do so. If it had not been that story, there would have been another one.

And if you take a close look at the story, it actually is totally useless to do so. I mean, how come people cant see how Adam in that tale is a total wussie...and elevate him as the model man to be? How he victimizes himself...and now he should be called a man, haha...For this to happen, a lot of brainwashing is necessary.

[austere]

When you're brought up with it, you don't think to question it.

 

Get 'em while they're young, and whatnot.

[Pantophobia]

austere, Moanareina and Rosebudmarie, isn't it amazing how it comes down to the bottom line of "I just can't trust in God anymore" because there is too much evidence that he, his "people," his words and his promises are just untrustworthy? It really is like that childhood loss of innocence when you realize your parent is not only fallible, but can't (and/or won't) actually protect you from harm. There's no unseeing that. 

[RosebudMarie]

austere, Moanareina and Rosebudmarie, isn't it amazing how it comes down to the bottom line of "I just can't trust in God anymore" because there is too much evidence that he, his "people," his words and his promises are just untrustworthy? It really is like that childhood loss of innocence when you realize your parent is not only fallible, but can't (and/or won't) actually protect you from harm. There's no unseeing that.

 

That's absolutely how it was for me! My mom made a horrible, life and family altering decision based on "a feeling of peace" she had while praying - despite the fact she knew I would disown her and she wouldn't see my kids. She expected me to just ball up and follow along bc she had this "peace". That really killed it for me.

[moanareina]

austere, Moanareina and Rosebudmarie, isn't it amazing how it comes down to the bottom line of "I just can't trust in God anymore" because there is too much evidence that he, his "people," his words and his promises are just untrustworthy? It really is like that childhood loss of innocence when you realize your parent is not only fallible, but can't (and/or won't) actually protect you from harm. There's no unseeing that. 

 

Well, for me it comes down to: I can't trust in the God you presented me because this whole God-thing seems not to work and all you have done to it is, screwing it.

 

The Bible is still an interesting book, when you just take the "its the word of God" out of it. Actually the bible never refers to itself as that. So even if you believe in the bible still, it isn't what it has been sold to us. While I more and more come to the conclusion that most of the bible is just made up, I leave it open if some of it might be true. Nonetheless...even if some of it was true, it only contains how the writer has experienced it all...and then maybe they integrated rumors and whatever to make it more intense.

And that said, it also is written in a cultural context that you would have to understand to get its full message. Like if you for example read Farenheit 451 by Ray Bradbury you read a nice story. But when you know something about the political situation the book has been written in, thats when it gets interesting. And if you actually lived at that time, you would read it very different. And then, if you knew Ray Bradbury and how he thinks and talks, it becomes a whole other story.

 

But well, thats a whole other topic I guess.

 

Also I want to add, I have not opened that book (the bible) for almost six years now and I don't intend to in the near future.

[austere]

austere, Moanareina and Rosebudmarie, isn't it amazing how it comes down to the bottom line of "I just can't trust in God anymore" because there is too much evidence that he, his "people," his words and his promises are just untrustworthy? It really is like that childhood loss of innocence when you realize your parent is not only fallible, but can't (and/or won't) actually protect you from harm. There's no unseeing that. 

 So much. I'm getting a lump in my throat just thinking about it. All that security, that love, that peace and safeness, that 'you are in God's arms' stuff, just evaporates. You're falling. Thank god most of my friends were atheists/agnostics, and my best friend isn't devout.

 

For me, realising that my parents are fallible only came this year (I'm 20, I know, it's late, but it's my first year away from home). It was probably about 3 months before my deconversion. So it's been a bit of a double whammy this year.

[★ Citsonga ★]

While I more and more come to the conclusion that most of the bible is just made up, I leave it open if some of it might be true. Nonetheless...even if some of it was true, it only contains how the writer has experienced it all...and then maybe they integrated rumors and whatever to make it more intense.

 

I often compare the Bible to tabloids. Not every detail in tabloids is completely made up, but who in his/her right mind would consider tabloids to be reliable sources of information? The Bible really isn't much different.

[MathGeek]

Miscarriage, plain and simple.

[Goddamnit]

It was a decline that slowly started after becoming "saved".

 

To be honest, the idea of god was pretty stupid to me even as a young little boy. But the constant indoctrination about hell scared me to it.

 

The bible made no sense for me since I was a little boy. Even attending hardcore churches, with parents who said that evolution is of the devil, I still accepted evolution in my early fanatical speaking in tongues days.

 

I was never an apologist, as I thought it was blasphemous to try to "fix" god. I figured that if god encouraged murder, rape, slavery, etc., then that's exactly what he did and nothing I do could change that. 

 

Eh, I knew for the most part that it was rubbish but the constant threat of hell was overbearing. I did not decide to be an atheist, though. It was that after years of interpreting the bible, little by little, I eventually came to the conclusion that the bible was only as inspired as the world we live in, and that everything in it are just stories created by flawed men, and that god was just the singularity, and that jesus was not the son of god and the stories were fake.

 

Funny enough I still considered myself a christian because it's not like I woke up and decided to be an atheist. It was just many years of small steps till one day I realized that it didn't even make sense to call myself a christian anymore.

[Goddamnit]

My "deconversion" is independant of christians, because I always knew they were ass.

 

However, let us talk about "christians". They are no better than anyone else. They have their little groups, they have their gossip, and they have jealous arses all tucked in.

 

I've been a victim of gossip in church. BIG FUCKING TIME. Bunch of hypocritical betrayers. I've seen gay people being treated like trash. I've seen some really crappy shit and have gone through it myself.

 

Keep in mind I visitied droves of churches, many denominations.

[milesaway]

My "deconversion" is independant of christians, because I always knew they were ass.

 

However, let us talk about "christians". They are no better than anyone else. They have their little groups, they have their gossip, and they have jealous arses all tucked in.

 

I've been a victim of gossip in church. BIG FUCKING TIME. Bunch of hypocritical betrayers. I've seen gay people being treated like trash. I've seen some really crappy shit and have gone through it myself.

 

Keep in mind I visitied droves of churches, many denominations.

 

I visited several denominations in my time church hopping. I wouldn't doubt that for an instant. It really burns my biscuits to know that this shit is as universal and commonplace as it is. I've had the misfortune of dealing with the gossip junkies at the last church I went to. I wasn't at the one from two churches ago long enough to find out how ugly the gossip can be, but I didn't talk much either. It pissed them off to no end, though. The church after that was pretty gossipy, and it was a small one too. Double whammy, right there. It was a catalyst in my deconversion, among other things.

 

I've seen the way the people at the last church I visited would gossip about others behind their backs. A couple of them were ones I thought I could trust. One of them, I called him Gary on here before, told me something about a "friend" of his that I was on decent terms with, and that was when I realized if he could tell me about so-and-so's personal business, what's to stop him from telling others about me and what little he managed to finagle out of me? That happened three months before I left that church for the last time.

 

Anyways, let them have their stupid social club. The way they treat others speaks volumes about how they feel about themselves. You've walked away, and they're now people you used to know.