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Dumbest/weirdest/most Repulsive Argument Or Story A Fundy Ever Told You?

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There's a weird thread on a Christian forum about Noah's Ark. Some members are bravely wondering aloud why it makes no sense, and the mental gymnastics that follow are pretty wild. Such as:

"Maybe God made each animal 1cm tall, and Noah too, and it's a holy miracle he could still be the ship's captain"

"Maybe the whole story is put in there to truly test our faith"

"Maybe all the animals hibernated"

"Maybe the animals understood what was going on and that's how the species who normally live alone showed up in pairs"

"There was Pangaea before the flood, that's how the animals were able to come, and then God separated the continents mega fast and fooled scientists into thinking it took millions of years, to see who else would be fooled instead of putting their trust in the Word"

 

There's also an atheist who's not yet been kicked out, politely asking further questions. The thread only turns weirder when they answer. I'll see how long they go on before removing the whole thing.

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^^ Well, with god, all things are possible.  His mysterious ways and all that $hit.   trt19ROFLPIMP.gif

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1) Woman in a bible study I attended told the room that she was divorced because her husband left her for another man. She knew god wanted her to be chaste and wait until he gave her a new mate.

 

Went on to say that after several years of waiting, she prayed to god while alone on a beach and "god the father gave me an orgasm! And it WAS. NOT. UGLY!! or SINFUL!!!"

 

In other words, she jilled off while no one was around and then turned it into a god thing. Creepy, to say the least.

 

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2) A friend's daughter (who has a very active imagination) said she saw and/or heard someone in their house besides her and mommy and daddy. Someone no one else could see or hear.

 

Mommy and daddy went around their house "claiming authority" and "casting out" the "demon" in the name of jesus. Seriously.

 

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3) A fundy idiot pastor I know (I posted this in another thread) used to tell people he couldn't wait to get raptured and go to heaven so he could sit and watch the death and destruction that occur when the holy spirit is taken out of the earth.

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This is one I came up with myself: when I was a kid and on the school bus, I heard "Better Days" by The Goo Goo Dolls playing, which can be taken to be about Christmas/the holidays. I heard something about "the child who saved the world" and of course decided it was referring to Jesus, though the song doesn't really have an obviously Christian meaning, and because the volume was turned low at that point thought that the bus driver did it on purpose because she was of the world and hated Jesus. I didn't say anything to the driver, but went home and smugly told my parents about how I caught an unbeliever trying to keep the children from inviting Jesus into their hearts.

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I was at my 'super thumper' pentecostal father-in-law's house a few weeks ago and he showed me a petrified log that he bought at a yard sale. Of course I had to pleasure myself by asking how old he thought it was and I was obviously rewarded by his reply; "it is really, really old, probably three or four thousand years old".

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I was at my 'super thumper' pentecostal father-in-law's house a few weeks ago and he showed me a petrified log that he bought at a yard sale. Of course I had to pleasure myself by asking how old he thought it was and I was obviously rewarded by his reply; "it is really, really old, probably three or four thousand years old".

 

I have no idea how old petrified logs tend to be, so I don't really get it. Was that a really stupid statement on his part? I 

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The father-in-law was a 6000 year old earth believer, petrified wood is at least 230 million years old, making his claim of 4,000 years off by a factor of 57,000.

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The father-in-law was a 6000 year old earth believer, petrified wood is at least 230 million years old, making his claim of 4,000 years off by a factor of 57,000.

 

Really? THAT old? I thought organic matter could turn into fossils way sooner than that. 

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I suppose the story that sent me on my road to questioning and eventually deconversion.

 

A missionary friend went into a long involved story about what happened when he preached at a German church. According to him, before the service and group of witches came in, led by the high priestess who had things woven into her hair. He didn't pay them much attention other than knowing they were there. As he preached, the translator was having problems translating and eventually couldn't talk. The preacher had enough and leapt off the platform and confronted them. The power of God and Satan were vibrating both of them until finally she was thrown across the room into the large glass doors of the auditorium and all her followers were knocked out. He went around praying for the believers there and eventually all the witches came crawling up, confessed their sins, and were born again.

 

However... the video of the service showed that none of that happened. The translator had trouble with the preacher's deep Southern accent, so wasn't very fast in translating. That clearly frustrated the preacher. He has a very active imagination, and it must have created this whole story out of that. Sad that so many hang on his words as evidence of miracles.

 

 

Holy Cow!  "Very active imagination", indeed! That fella was doin' some serious trippin'!

 

Great story, though...   

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I was told that an english Christian prayed for a Portuguese lady and switched to praying in tongues at the behest of the Holy Spirit. The Portuguese lady heard him in Portuguese.

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I was told that an english Christian prayed for a Portuguese lady and switched to praying in tongues at the behest of the Holy Spirit. The Portuguese lady heard him in Portuguese.

Ha, I've heard variations of this, now that you mentioned it.

 

Also someone once told me that just before I arrived, there was someone praying in tongues, and the language was English. The girl telling me this did not know enough English to understand it, but she thought I would - if only I'd been there! Oh, if only.

 

Not really doubting that someone would pray in English and hope it sounds enough like tongues.

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I suppose the story that sent me on my road to questioning and eventually deconversion.

 

A missionary friend went into a long involved story about what happened when he preached at a German church. According to him, before the service and group of witches came in, led by the high priestess who had things woven into her hair. He didn't pay them much attention other than knowing they were there. As he preached, the translator was having problems translating and eventually couldn't talk. The preacher had enough and leapt off the platform and confronted them. The power of God and Satan were vibrating both of them until finally she was thrown across the room into the large glass doors of the auditorium and all her followers were knocked out. He went around praying for the believers there and eventually all the witches came crawling up, confessed their sins, and were born again.

 

However... the video of the service showed that none of that happened. The translator had trouble with the preacher's deep Southern accent, so wasn't very fast in translating. That clearly frustrated the preacher. He has a very active imagination, and it must have created this whole story out of that. Sad that so many hang on his words as evidence of miracles.

Fuego, are you able to give a timeframe for this event happening? It is very similar to a story told by the "Prophet" William M Branham (An American evangelist from 1948 to 1965)

 

"73 Just the same way it did in Germany. You remember the story in Germany, when them witches, fifteen on one side, cut--took a scissor and cut a feather, pointed it back this way, and stood there going through their enchantments, and said they'd blow the tent away, of thirty thousand people. And Brother Arganbright was standing there. And here come the storm, a cloud coming right up. I stood there by Brother Lowster. Many of you know him, the American-born German here that's my interpreter there. And he--he stood right there. I said, "Don't interpret this." But I said, "Lord God, You give me a--a vision and sent me to Germany. These witches has brought up this storm. You're the God of creation; let it be known that You're God." No one but what could understand English, and that wasn't a dozen there that know what I was speaking about.

Just then the tent raising up like this, with thirty thousand people beneath it, jumping up-and-down like that, settled down, and the clouds and thunders roared away. In less than five minutes, the sun was shining right down through, when about fifteen thousand Germans came to the Lord Jesus Christ. He's still God. He's just as God as much as He ever was." In the Sermon "Testimony" in 1963. https://churchages.net/en/sermon/branham/63-1128M-testimony

 

So this story has either happened to several missionary's, or is a recounted tale by them.

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A fundy once told me that when we go to hell, we are not allowed to be with our family and friends, she also told me that she would obey her husband in all things.

 

Years after we stopped working together, I saw her in the town, with a Christian street singing group, mindlessly singing the praises of her invisible serial killer 

 

Sad cow

 

What's her source for that Hell-part? huh.png

 

From what little I can remember after all these years............

 

I said if I was going to hell at least I would have the company of my family, and she said no, God wouldn't allow that , you were there to suffer don cha know...........she had no source , other than the desire to enslave another person to her horrid world view. I was only a teenager and she caused me tremendous anxiety, I had to go on medication........funny isn't it, she damaged my mind with her constant hell fire talk, yet probably wouldn't even remember me now( this was all in the late 80's)........ I certainly will never forget her, and not for happy reasons........

 

I'm not a vengeful chap, but I hope she found as much misery in later life as she then infected me with

 

I reckon that the Fundamentalist belief in the separation of family and friends in hell stems from their interpretation of one sentence in Matthew 25 : 29.

 

29 For whoever has will be given more, and they will have an abundance. Whoever does not have, even what they have will be taken from them.

 

All of that chapter has to do with reward for the saved and punishment for the damned.

 

So, when an unsaved person says,"Even if I go to hell, at least I'll be with my loved ones forever" the fundies dash their hopes with this...

 

Whoever does not have Jesus - even what they expect to have in hell (their loved ones) will be taken from them.

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I used to collect this type of nonsense claims by Christians from various web sites and wrote an article ("Fun With Fundies" for ExChristian.net a few years back. The following were all mentioned in the article.

 

“To say the Bible was written by men and may contain inaccuracies completely contradicts the word of the Bible.”

[Talking about an eleven year old girl who was raped and then buried alive]

”god was sacrificing this child as a way to show others the light. much as he did his own child. what a beautiful gift he has given us.”

 

“How can anyone beleive we evolved from monkeys. heres a few questions for people who beleive that

  1. If we did evolve from monkeys then how come babies arent born monkeys
  2. Even Darwin said his theories were wrong before he died so why do you still believe them
  3. Do you really not believe the bible it says we were created in seven days not millions of years?
  4. How come we can't speak monkey?”

 

“What does a functioning brain have to do with the Bible?” [offered by LittleLambofJesus]

 

“I honestly don't care about your rights. If it were up to me, all Atheists would be burnt at the stake and or cast into a river with weights tied to their ankles and or placed before the firing squad, etc etc etc”

 

“If u have sex before marriage then in Gods eyes u are married to that person if a man rapes a woman in Gods eyes they are married it sucks for the girl but what can we do lol “ [Gods Soldier seems to think this is a laughing matter]

[Replying to 'As for not seeing evolution, it takes several million years... in case you missed that memo...']

”several million years for a monkey to turn into a man. oh wait thats right. monkeys don't live several million years.“

 

“I can sum it all up in three words. Evolution is a lie.”

[about a girl being born with mental disabilities]

”This girl is like a leper so what she needs to do is try and find god. if she really believes she can be healed from this state, she will be healed from this state. Most afflictions like this are caused by sins committed while still inside the womb. If she can repent for what she does god will embrace her and make her as human as you or me but if she chooses not to she'll always be like this. God tests every one of us.” [by The Saved]

 

“No, everyone is born Christian. Only later in life do people choose to stray from Jesus and worship Satan instead. Atheists have the greatest "cover" of all, they insist they believe in no god yet most polls done and the latest research indicates that they are a different sect of Muslims.”

 

“Gravity: Doesn’t exist. If items of mass had any impact of others, then mountains should have people orbiting them. Or the space shuttle in space should have the astronauts orbiting it. Of course, that's just the tip of the gravity myth. Think about it. Scientists want us to believe that the sun has a gravitation pull strong enough to keep a planet like neptune or pluto in orbit, but then it's not strong enough to keep the moon in orbit? Why is that? What I believe is going on here is this: These objects in space have yet to receive mans touch, and thus have no sin to weigh them down. This isn't the case for earth, where we see the impact of transfered sin to material objects. The more sin, the heavier something is.”

 

“Everyone knows scientists insist on using complex terminology to make it harder for True Christians to refute their claims. Deoxyribonucleic Acid, for example... sounds impressive, right? But have you ever seen what happens if you put something in acid? It dissolves! If we had all this acid in our cells, we’d dissolve. So much for the theory of evolution. Check MATE!”

 

“A missionary I know watched a bullet headed for him do a RIGHT ANGLE before it got to him.” [is there anything this guy won’t believe?]

 

“If the Bible is wrong when it tells us it is infallible, then it contradicts itself. If it contradicts itself, then it is unreliable. If it is unreliable, then our faith is totally shattered and Christianity is a lie. You need to seriously reconsider your logic.”

[When asked to prove the existence of a soul, in order to validate his claim that life begins at conception]

”I don't have to "prove" anything. You see, I have this wonderful thing called “faith” and with that I have no need of proof.”

[on why God had to have written the Bible]

”But think about it, who is smart enough to write the Holy Bible? The answer, no one. How could people back then have written words with such intellegence? We were not very educated back then, we all know. So tell me, how could people back ages ago could have written the bible?”

 

“God revealed to me two things about the timing of the rapture. God specifically told me 2007 was the year, because I was only going to have from 3 to 3 1/2 years to spread the message after my book was published.”

[by Shelby Corbitt – see Amazon for the book "2007." Yes, it was published. One reviewer had this to say, ‘Book turned out to be accurate and helpful! The Rapture came as promised! Thanks Shelby Corbitt!’]

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Wizened Sage: Holy fucking shit! Even though I have seen similar crap hundreds of times before, it never ceases to amaze me how fucking thick some people are, not to speak of their horrid views on morality. :o

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Holy fucking shit indeed.

 

When people begin an "argument" by saying, "Think about it," my BS meter immediately rises several notches.

 

I'm a little disappointed, though, that Wizened Sage didn't report anyone asking, "why do we still have monkeys?" But human babies being born as monkeys, or people speaking Monkey, are delicious possibilities. I think we ought to start collecting reports of such phenomena, perhaps as recorded from next door neighbors whose cousins know guys whose mothers-in-law are nurses in hospitals in the tropics. That'll prove the ToE!

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Most WTF: "God" made and planted dinosaur bones so that human beings would find them and work together to find out about Creationism. (From a guy who'd far rather have a trickster god than no god at all.) Yes, because that Bible-God dude is super into people learning stuff and working together, amirite?

 

Most Blatantly Dishonest: Yeah, this older Christian Bible College student absolutely swore up and down that he had kept a prayer journal for a year and OMG YOU GUYS ALL HIS PRAYERS KEPT COMING TRUE. When I demanded to see a scan of the journal, he admitted he'd been lying. He made frequent miracle claims that were also obviously untrue and there was not a single fake-news story about such healings that passed him by that he didn't share with wide, astonished eyes.

 

Most Oblivious: A Christian told this long, involved story that he said was a "parable" (his word, not mine) in lieu of a more substantive reason to oppose equal marriage. It involved two missionaries who went to two similar tribes of primitive African people who both practiced incestuous child rape. One missionary tried to understand their culture and didn't tell them that child rape is bad. The other insisted to his own tribe that it was bad and that the people must stop it immediately. The first missionary's tribe died out of disease and whatnot, while the second missionary's tribe flourished. So therefore same-sex couples shouldn't be allowed to get married and/or adopt kids. The Christian telling his story made it a lot longer than this summary of mine and got very touchy when a lot of people poked holes in it and pointed out how racist it was and how poorly it illustrated his point in the first place. It was very obvious that he'd told that story many times to very appreciative audiences of Christians!

 

Most Infuriating: a very very very Christian forum dogpiled a friend of mine to insist that he might as well rape his wife as give her flowers now that he'd deconverted because now obviously he had no sense of morality and the one was just as okay as the other to an atheist. They were absolutely sure of this point. 

 

Most Unintentionally Telling: I've lost track of how often a fundagelical guy has told me I'll be raped in Hell by demons. Sometimes if I get lucky the guy doing it will even describe what a demon's penis looks like. It's like they go from Jesus wuvs you! to OMG DEMON RAPE in .08 seconds.

 

Most Tiresome: I've also lost track of how often Christians tell me they sure hope I find peace one day, announce that they've found a new way to practice Christianity that I've never heard before in my life, or ask me why I'm angry at "God." :wacko:

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I am so tempted to ask more about the demon's manhood.

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2 hours ago, yunea said:

I am so tempted to ask more about the demon's manhood.

 

Oh yeah, sounds fascinating!

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On 12/25/2016 at 10:16 AM, Wizened Sage said:

“A missionary I know watched a bullet headed for him do a RIGHT ANGLE before it got to him.”

 

So, his god gave him the power to see a fired bullet with his naked eye?

 

Interesting that I just read this:

The average bullet travels at 2,500 feet per second (around 1,700 mph). If you reacted to the sound of the gun going off and required 0.20 seconds (twice that of the fastest Olympic sprinters) to react, then you would need to be at least 500 feet away to successfully dodge a bullet.

 

If he was more than 500 feet away from the shooter, he would not have seen the gun nor the person firing it. Therefore, when he heard the shot, he would have had that instant to move. He could not have SEEN the bullet make a 90° turn if he was any less than 500 feet from the shooter, because he would have had less than a quarter of a second to see anything except the hole getting blown through his torso.

 

Fucking Christards watched "The Matrix" and they think their god is going to give them super powers and shit. LOL, to say the least.

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On 10/16/2016 at 4:09 AM, rjn said:

...

Isn't there a term for adjusting ones views in hindsight like that, and claiming there's some "purpose" to it?

...

Ad hoc reasoning

 

http://rationalwiki.org/wiki/Ad_hoc

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On 4/27/2017 at 7:22 AM, Tsathoggua9 said:

 

Oh yeah, sounds fascinating!

 

Let's just say these Christians were probably feeling a bit inadequate in their pants.

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The weirdest story I ever heard was a man who went through foreskin regrowing procedure so that he could be re-circumcised by a Rabbi for his circumcision to have meaning to YHWH. He thought the one done by hospital staff wasn't religious enough. If you have it done by your parents without any consent or understanding of the procedure then it's not glorifying god properly. He felt the pain he endured affirmed his true commitment to following god's will. This man was a Christian who believed that modern Christians are all pagans pretending to be Christians. We all need to abandon all our holidays and use only Jewish holidays. Basically Christians should be culturally Jewish with the additional faith in Jesus (which must be pronounced "Yehushua"). I believe this is called Messianic Judaism now.

 

Also the Rabbi that performed the procedure was highly against the whole ordeal, but he agreed to do it anyway after seeing "how committed to god" this man was.

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Last Friday my wifes uncle was diagnosed with terminal cancer and has been given 2 weeks to live. He comes from a family of 8, 7 of who are normal caring loving people and 1 Christian fundy (the guy who sends Hovind and Ham dvds to the family for Xmas pressies).

7/8 of his siblings visited their sick brother and offered their help and support... The Christian gave him a phone call and said "Its your own fault, God is punishing you for your sins, your judgement is at hand". The family hated him before for his horrible comments against women and other races/religions but the lack of empathy for your own brother has been the last straw with the whole family breaking all communications with him. They have been saying why the nice good hearted brother has to die while the hatred spewing fundy lives to continue his ranting, there is no justice.

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