Marriage

[Guest Emerson]

There was an article in the New York Times about relationships like the one I described, its not just you and me. More and more people are thinking outside of the box. Trust me, I've been thinking about it for a while mr. jj

 

You and I need to hook up. lol

[jjacksonRIAB]

There was an article in the New York Times about relationships like the one I described, its not just you and me. More and more people are thinking outside of the box. Trust me, I've been thinking about it for a while mr. jj

 

You and I need to hook up. lol

 

I'm on LJ (livejournal.com) a lot, people change avatars like they change hats.

 

Quick -say something imperfect.

 

Otherwise I'll declare paradise and be right on over there. ;-)

[Guest Emerson]

^I eat pooh. lol

 

 

gawd, what a naughty mouth! I need to get some sleep.

[jjacksonRIAB]

^I eat pooh. lol

 

 

gawd, what a naughty mouth! I need to get some sleep.

 

 

Same here

 

Good night

[euphgeek]

Let's not forget our homosexual brothers and sisters in the USA (except Massachusetts) who would dearly love to get married but can't because the government sees them as second-class citizens.

[shy1680]

I got married so my then bf and I wouldnt be living in SIN, according to his mother. I really think she was just tired of hearing him whine about wanting a wife and not a gf so rushed it along. I loved him and the first part wasn't a legal contract soo I said why not, cant hurt. Now its been 7 months and I'm ready to rip his head off, but then he kisses my forehead and I forget all the bad stuff

[LosingMyReligion]

Well, since I'm gay I would have to move to Massachusetts, Canada, or the UK if I want to marry...So the answer is pretty much a no for me, at this point. Hopefully, through more activism that will change(probably not in my lifetime). As it is I'll probably shack up with someone when I fall in love.

 

Then again, I get tired of human contact after a short period of time. lol. Maybe we could buy houses and live next door to one another? haha.

[Clearview]

 

Then again, I get tired of human contact after a short period of time. lol. Maybe we could buy houses and live next door to one another? haha.

 

 

Same here. If you weren't gay, I'd hit on you.

[phoenix]

i'd love to get married eventually. ...no kids, though. ever.

[Nihil]

Never.

 

No wife.

No kids.

No worries.

 

Why bother getting married, when I could save time and just burn half my stuff now?

[The Sage Nabooru]

Heheh...."children of divorce". It makes me think of the time I was called in as an emergency acolyte because some other kid couldn't make it, due to some conflict about his visitation time with his dad. The church lady on the phone said he came from a "broken home".

 

I come and go as I please, go to bed when I feel like it, don't have to always call and tell someone where I am, who I'm with, when I'll be home, etc.

 

Amen to that. Anybody who thinks it's just women who get hissy over trivial things in marriage has got another thing coming. I've seen plenty of instances of, "Oh? So you just think you can go out with the girls some evening after work like I'm not even HERE?"

 

And the arguments over money......Jesus fucking Christ, I could never handle that. My dad is obsessed with money. He steadfastly believes that if he only had a little more, he would be happy. (Of course, he's been making a little more and a little more his whole life, but it's never enough.) We never have enough so we always need to save for something that we won't be able to buy because we're saving our money. We could be living very comfortably if we were actually allowed to spend money, but we're not.

 

Oh well. He'll be the richest man in his grave, not me. But anyway, watching my dad grill my mom to tears over buying a $30 birdbath makes any argument over money with me automatically tinged with deep rage.

[loves_learning]

The kind of things I worry most about are legal protections and such. In that, I mean that I don't find it necessary to have a piece of paper proving my commitment to my partner, but without that little piece of paper you could be in a world of hurt later. What happens if your partner is in the hospital? Technically, without being married or related, you have no legal right to be allowed in the room if they are unconscious, much less make decisions for them in the event that it needs to happen.

 

The money thing freaks me out as well...and I would NEVER EVER EVER have a child if I wasn't married to the person who fathered it. No way in hell am I going to put myself in the position of being left alone without help and little legal recourse.

 

I've been thinking about these things a lot lately, as the live-in and I are getting to the point where we are combining our lives more, if that makes sense. But...I almost don't want to because there are no legal contracts to protect me in the event of something bad happening. For example, I'd really like to stop renting in the next year or two and buy a townhouse/condo, something. But, he's horrible with financial planning...not a spender at all, but doesn't know how to invest or be smart with his money. I've tried bugging him to go see a financial planner (free service at his bank!!!) but he doesn't feel the need to get it taken care of. I worry that if we just stay as "live-ins" that he'll ruin his retirement...and I'll be saddled for taking up the slack. I would never want to burden him with that, so I get kind of irked that he isn't more proactive about it.

[Asimov]

I think I'll bust in with my trademark:

 

Fuck that!

[Poonis]

I choose not to partake in any sacrement of the catholic church.

 

Just as well, marriage is the first step towards divorce, child support, alimony, and basically lose everything I have. Why would anyone wilfully enter into such a contract?

 

Some say I will be lonely. Maybe, maybe not. Either way, I am not afraid to not get married.

[AtheistMommy]

Why did you get married, and will you ever get married if you're still single?

 

Well, marriage wasn't really an issue for me. I wanted children and it didn't matter if I was married or not. In fact before I met my husband I thought about artifical insemination. However, I'm glad things turned out the way they did. I don't put much value on marriage itself, my value is in my children.

 

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband and he's perfect as far as my ideal husband. If I was single, yes, I'd marry but only if I felt sure of it.

 

This is my second marriage. The first time I married I did it for my dying grandmother. I asked for a divorce shortly after she died. Not because she died but because I saw what a huge mistake I made not listening to my inner voice of reason. I really had to talk myself into saying yes.

[Biggles7268]

Why bother getting married, when I could save time and just burn half my stuff now?

 

excellent point, but then this is also an excellent point

 

What happens if your partner is in the hospital? Technically, without being married or related, you have no legal right to be allowed in the room if they are unconscious, much less make decisions for them in the event that it needs to happen.

[Poonis]

Totally irrelevant but somewhat relevant to topic bumper sticker I saw today:

 

'Do Not Corrupt The Sanctity Of Homosexuality with Marriage'

[The Sage Nabooru]

Oh shit, I'm gonna search for that one on eBay!

[Guest Devil's Due]

 

 

I've been thinking more and more of a partnership, like an "Oprah and Stedman" relationship, and having separate respective living spaces. It seems as if marriage in many ways is an ancient type of institution, so many women lose themselves in their roles as wives and mothers, and the husband a lot of times acts or believes that he "owns" his wife. Even when the relationship isn't abusive, the husband likes to take control and ride the wheel per se. I don't want that. Never did, never will.

 

Life's tough and at the end of the day sometimes you just want to come home to peace and who wants to come home to deal with domestic issues?

 

Shiny!

 

Every time I present this idea to anyone, it's always met with derision. "Oh, you mean you just want a fuck buddy."

 

No matter how much I explain that, "No, I want to retain the structure and integrity of my own existence while having someone along who wants me but does not need me," no one seems to get it.

 

"Like I said, a fuck buddy."

 

Aaaaaarrrgggghhhh!

 

If I and my friend have seperate lives, we will always have something to talk about. We will avoid getting on each other's nerves. I will not have to smell his stinky toilet mess. He will not have to die because he forget to use the delicate cycle on the washing machine. The mystery is maintained, he stays cute, I stay sexy, and well all live happily ever after in our seperate but equally delightful homes.

 

I am very suspicious of marriage. I am 27, have never been so much as engaged, and rarely maintain a relationship longer than six months. Relationships tend to degenerate into me wondering how I became the mother of a grown man.

 

However, I have a few dear friends, men I would die for, who I have known for years and at one time or another we were lovers. (I have spent the past 11 years sleeping with my best male friend about twice a year, excepting times when one of us was in a relationship, and it's never been an issue.) Our households stayed seperate, we enjoyed each other's company, we kept our mouths closed about other exploits, and we celebrated when one member of our party "committed." So to have something like that categorized as "fuck buddy" is goddamn insulting. I really don't think that you can call fuck buddies in the middle of the night in tears because you had a bad dream, ask them to help you move, or love and respect them as a person despite all your differences. You don't attend a fuck buddy's wedding and be as excited for him as he is to get married! My friends that fall into this category are people that I love, and our relationship is still fresh and passionate and exciting, but I know damn well that a traditional relationship would kill everything about us that is wonderful.

 

I think that marriage, as a whole, is outmoded. The more married friends I have, the more miserable people I see. I think that expecting just one person to fulfill all your emotional, physical, sexual, and mental needs is a joke. People are all different, and we fit together in different ways.

 

I have lived with two of my boyfriends, and both times is was an exhausting, unfulfilling, wretched experience. I never thought I could hate someone else's decorating style and personal habits so much. As a single girl, I can decorate how I choose, see whomever I want, stay out late, eat directly from the ice cream pint, make popcorn at 2 am, dance naked without feeling self-conscious, watch porn without anyone whining (yes, I have dated men who whined about porn!), buy theings that strike my fancy without having to justify the item or (shudder) ask permission before I spend . . . it goes on and on.

 

If I actually liked/wanted children, it might change my opinion of the whole marriage thing. Sometimes other people's children are okay, but having a short person dogging my heels for years sounds like a nightmare.

 

Viva la selfishness!

[pandora]

My reasons for getting married in order of importance:

 

1. I love him. I couldn't see my life without him... he's supportive, loving, romantic, and I get a lot out of giving back to him. Our personalities are very similar in many ways and we have MANY similar interests, but also complement each other in many practical ways (finances, go-go-go type A personality and lazy-ass B personality <--- that's me). I wanted to "catch" him before he got away... LOL I can honestly say I haven't met another man like him (that suits me so well)... he has his faults (somewhat of a momma's boy, honest to a fault, very concrete thinker to the point of being unable to see the world in other than black and white, but that's changing), but his strengths are what keep me attracted to him, and they happened to have been what I was looking for in a long term relationship. He has the things that will make a relationship worth fighting for and worth staying in.

 

2. Cultural expectations/Christian indoctrination/desire for the guilt of having premarital sex to go away

 

3. Financial security and emotional stability.

 

 

 

Looking back, if we had both deconverted before we got married, we probably wouldn't have gotten married. But I do think we'd still be living together and planning to live our lives out together for as long as we both wanted to.

 

To respond to some of your comments, Emerson... I totally hear your reservations about marriage. But not all marriages have the man in control or any other traditional aspect. Dan and I's marriage style is pretty unconventional... I have a stronger personality, so I make a lot of decisions... but it isn't about that, and we naturally respect eachother and it just works that way. Not everything is a damn contract... I would hate that kind of relationship. We completement eachother the in the "right" practical places, and he lets me dominate in areas that I am better at doing that in, and same for me to him.... it fits like a puzzle. Once you find someone like that, you will know what I mean... but that doesn't mean you have to get married. It just means it's a healthy relationship that lets each person grow and challenge themselves, together and apart. I don't think many traditional marriages really do that. It seems you think that a marriage has to have one person owning another or contracts for everything.

 

It works for some people, if you find the right person (that doesn't mean there is only one right person out there, contrary to Christian belief). It is toxic for some personalities and some combinations of people. It isn't all bad or all good... it's up to you and to whomever you date, and you won't know what's best for that relationship until you've been in a while and know yourself (and him) better.

[Thurisaz]

Why did you get married, and will you ever get married if you're still single?

 

I tied the know with my dear Islington because we fit together so damn well in pretty much every aspect of life that it all practically screamed for a permanent link. Well, as permanent as marriage can be of course.

[Blue elephant]

I've been married twice.

 

First time when I was 21 and 3 weeks. That was to legitimate a relationship that had been sexual. Why?? You guessed it! Good old fundamentalism. I think the ralationship was on the way out by the time I married him. I knew I was doing the wrong thing a couple of days before the wedding but I still married him just for appearances. So much of fundamentalism is about appearances.

 

Stayed with him for 4 years.

 

The second marriage was almost an afterthought. The relationship was supreme. Just got the piece of paper to sort out the surnames of the children. Still happily married nearly 17 years later.

 

Would i get married again? Yes. For all the same reasons. It's not getting married that is restrictive. It's the ideas in peoples heads.

[I Broke Free]

My first partner died at the age of 29 in a helicopter crash; this happened just one week shy of our eighth anniversary together. I was 19 and he was 21 when we met. His mother and stepfather had disowned him a year before we met because he was gay. He had had no contact with them at all during our eight years together. His biological father dropped out of the picture when he was only eight years old and had not seen or contacted his son in over twenty years. How did this all turn out?

 

Mother, Stepfather and Bio-Father sued for “Wrongful Death” and they were awarded $360,000 for their anguish.

 

Me; the man that stood by his side for eight years trying to undo the mental damage his loving parents had done to him? I got to keep our acquired debts on our cars and credit cards.

 

My current partner and I are currently just a few months shy of our eighth anniversary. We have seen an attorney and spent a small fortune to bind our lives together as best we can, but it comes no where close to what a marriage certificate can do. If he died tomorrow in the same way my first partner did, the same thing could happen again. Marriage creates a legal family relationship, and that is something I desperately want to have. All of the legal papers we have signed ensure that his ‘current’ assets are mine in the event of his death, but they do nothing to ensure that the law recognizes us as family. Only a family member can sue for wrongful death, and as far as the courts are concerned, I am his roommate.

 

Do I want to marry my partner? What do you think?

 

IBF

[LosingMyReligion]

My first partner died at the age of 29 in a helicopter crash; this happened just one week shy of our eighth anniversary together. I was 19 and he was 21 when we met. His mother and stepfather had disowned him a year before we met because he was gay. He had had no contact with them at all during our eight years together. His biological father dropped out of the picture when he was only eight years old and had not seen or contacted his son in over twenty years. How did this all turn out?

 

Mother, Stepfather and Bio-Father sued for “Wrongful Death” and they were awarded $360,000 for their anguish.

 

Me; the man that stood by his side for eight years trying to undo the mental damage his loving parents had done to him? I got to keep our acquired debts on our cars and credit cards.

 

My current partner and I are currently just a few months shy of our eighth anniversary. We have seen an attorney and spent a small fortune to bind our lives together as best we can, but it comes no where close to what a marriage certificate can do. If he died tomorrow in the same way my first partner did, the same thing could happen again. Marriage creates a legal family relationship, and that is something I desperately want to have. All of the legal papers we have signed ensure that his ‘current’ assets are mine in the event of his death, but they do nothing to ensure that the law recognizes us as family. Only a family member can sue for wrongful death, and as far as the courts are concerned, I am his roommate.

 

Do I want to marry my partner? What do you think?

 

IBF

 

 

I broke Free your post made me tear up.

 

I don't see how anyone cannot read that and not support gay marraige. We are basically 2nd class citizens in the 21st century(in a supposedly FREE environment).

 

At this point I don't want to get married, but when I do I would like to know that all of my possessions and rights will be protected.

[loves_learning]

I absolutely agree about the legal benefits...which is the primary reason that I want to get married as well. As crappy as it may sound, there just isn't a substitute in our society to that damn piece of paper.