Lame Jokes

[Crazycatlady]

A blonde, brunette, and a redhead were waiting at the doctor's office for prenatal care. The brunette said, "I think I'm going to have a boy because I was on top." The redhead said, "Oh, then I must be having a girl since I was on the bottom." The blonde burst into tears. The brunette and the redhead asked her what was wrong. She replied: "If what you two say is true, then I'm going to have puppies!"

[Skiergirl24]

A guy was trying to console a friend who'd just found his wife

in bed with another man.

"Get over it, buddy," he said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered his buddy. "But what

if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with

your wife?"

The fella ponders for a moment, then says, "I'd break his cane

and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

[Skiergirl24]

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office.

After the check-up, the doctor took the wife aside and

said, "If you don't do the following, your husband will

surely die".

 

1.Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast and send

him off to work in a good mood.

 

2.At lunch time, make him a warm, nutritious meal and

put him in a good frame of mind before he goes back

to work.

 

3.For dinner, fix an especially nice meal, and don't

burden him with household chores.

 

4.Have sex with him several times a week and satisfy

his every whim.

 

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor

had told her.

 

"You're going to die," she replied.

[par4dcourse]

What did the buddhist say to the hot dog vendor?

 

Make me one with everything.

[florduh]

Effects Of Marriage On The Y Chromosome

 

 

 

Three women: one engaged, one married, and one a mistress, are chatting about their relationships and decide to amaze their men....that night all three will wear a leather bodice S&M style, stilettos and mask over their eyes.

 

After a few days they meet again.....

 

The engaged girlfriend said: 'The other night, when my boyfriend came back home, he found me in the leather bodice, 4' stilettos and mask. He said, 'You are the woman of my life, I love you...then we made love all night long.'

 

 

The mistress stated: 'Oh Yes! The other night we met in his office. I was wearing the leather bodice, mega stilettos, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat, he didn't say a word. We just had wild sex all night.'

 

The married one then said: 'The other night I sent the kids to stay at my mother's for the night, I got myself ready, leather bodice, super stilettos and mask over my eyes. My husband came in from work, grabbed the TV controller and a beer, and said, 'Hey Batman, what's for dinner?'

[chefranden]

Bubba and Earl were in the local bar enjoying a beer when they decided to get in on the weekly charity raffle. They bought five tickets each at a dollar a pop.

 

The following week, when the raffle was drawn, each had won a prize. Earl won 1st prize, a year’s supply of gourmet spaghetti sauce and extra-long spaghetti.

 

Bubba won 6th prize, a toilet brush.

About a week or so had passed when the men met back in the neighborhood bar for a couple of beers. Bubba asked Earl how he liked his prize, to which Earl replied, "Great, I love spaghetti! How about you, how’s that toilet brush?"

 

"Not so good," replied Bubba, "I reckon I’m gonna go back to paper."

[chefranden]

Three Virginia Hillbillies are sitting on a porch shootin’ the breeze.

1st Hillbilly says, "My wife sure is stupid!…She bought an air conditioner. "

 

2nd Hillbilly says, "Why is that stupid?"

1st Hillbilly says, "We ain’t got no ‘lectricity!"

 

2nd Hillbilly says, "That’s nothin’! My wife is so stupid, she bought one of them new fangled warshin’ machines!"

 

1st Hillbilly says, "Why is that so stupid?"

2nd Hillbilly says, "’Cause we ain’t got no plummin’!"

 

 

3rd Hillbilly says: "That ain’t nuthin’! My wife is dumber than both yer wifes put together! I was going through her purse the other day lookin’ fer some change, and I found 6 condoms in thar."

 

1st and 2nd Hillbillies say: "Well, what’s so dumb about that?"

 

3rd Hillbilly says: "She ain’t got no pecker."

[hereticzero]

The Wong Baby

 

 

 

Su Wong marries Lee Wong. The next year, the Wongs have a new baby.

The nurse brings over a lovely, healthy, bouncy, but definitely a Caucasian, WHITE baby boy.

 

'Congratulations,' says the nurse to the new parents. 'Well Mr. Wong, what will you and Mrs. Wong name the baby?'

The puzzled father looks at his new baby boy and says, 'Well, two Wong's don't make a white, so I think we will name him...

 

(grit your teeth and scroll down) ...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sum Ting Wong

[♦ nivek ♦]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against

 

the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face.

 

The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and

 

says, "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.

[hereticzero]

A woman went to a pet shop looking for a gift for her husband George.

The pet shop owner showed her a parrot from a local brothel that had recently been raided.

 

'Awk,' said the bird, 'A new brothel, and a new madam!'

 

The woman blushed and at first did not want the bird but the pet shop owner assured the woman the parrot was safe and the parrot was on sale and quite a bargain!

 

The woman happily brought the parrot home where her two daughters from college inspected the bird.

 

'Awk,' said the parrot, 'New brothel, new madam, new whores!'

 

The women were just astounded by the rudeness but agreed to wait until the father came home. After a while the woman's husband returned home and she introduced him to the new parrot.

 

'Awk,' said the bird, 'New brothel, new madam, new whores, same old faces. Hi ya, George! Awk!'

[♦ nivek ♦]

A nun and a Priest were crossing the Sahara desert on a camel. On the third day out, the camel suddenly dropped dead without warning.

After dusting themselves off, the Nun and the Priest surveyed their situation. After a long period of silence, the Priest spoke. 'Well,Sister, this looks pretty grim.'

'I know, Father. In fact, I don't think it likely that we can survive more than a day or two..'

'I agree,' says the Father. 'Sister, since we are unlikely to make it out of here alive, would you do something for me?'

'Anything, Father.'

'I have never seen a woman's breasts and I was wondering if I might see yours.'

'Well, under the circumstances I don't see that it would do any harm.'

The Nun opened her habit and the Priest enjoyed the sight of her shapely breasts, commenting frequently on their beauty.

'Sister, would you mind if I touched them?'.....she consented and he fondled them for several minutes.

'Father, could I ask something of you?'

'Yes, Sister?'

'I have never seen a man's penis. Could I see yours?'

'I suppose that would be OK,' the Priest replied lifting his robe.

'Oh Father, may I touch it?'

The priest consented and after a few minutes of fondling he was sporting a huge erection.

'Sister, you know that if I insert my penis in the right place, it can Give Life.'

'Is that true Father?'

'Yes, it is, Sister.'

'Oh Father, that's wonderful ... Stick it in the camel and let's get the hell out of here!'

[florduh]

An American golfer playing in Ireland hooked his drive into the woods.Looking for his ball, he found a little Leprechaun flat on his back,big bump on his head and the golfer's ball beside him. Horrified, the golfer got his water bottle from the cart and poured it over the little guy, reviving him.'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddya want?''Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything. I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I

would want....a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'A year goes by (as it does in stories like this) and the American golfer is back.On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?''My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.''Oh, I'm fine now, thankye. I did that fer yer golf game, you know. And tell me, how's yer money situation?''Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out $100.00 bills I didn't even know were there!''I did that fer ye also. And tell me, how's yer sex life?'The golfer blushes, turns his head away

in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.''C'mon, c'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.''What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?''Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish!

[florduh]

Subject: Gone Fishing

 

>

Saturday morning I got up early, put on my long johns, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed

the dog, slipped quietly into the garage to hook the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back

out into a torrential downpour. There was snow mixed with the rain, and the wind was blowing

50 mph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather

would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped

back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and

whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.'

>

My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?'

>

I still don't know if she was joking.

[hereticzero]

98 Year Old Lady Is Happy

 

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, 'How many of you have forgiven your enemies?'

 

80% held up their hands.

 

The Minister then repeated his question.

 

All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

 

'Mrs. Neely?'; 'Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?'

 

I don't have any.' She replied, smiling sweetly.

 

'Mrs. Neely, that is very unusual. How old are you?'

 

'Ninety-eight.' she replied.

 

'Oh, Mrs. Neely, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?'

 

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said:

'I outlived all of those bitches'

[mentalhh]

HOW TO GET RID OF JEHOVAH'S WITNESSES (got it from website- can't remember where)

 

1. Answer the door naked and carrying weaponry. (immediate results)

 

2. Pretend to be the slowest talking person in the world and see how long their spirit of charity lasts.

 

3. Answer every one of their questions with "What do you mean by that?" This might take a while, but you and your loved ones can have fun placing bets on how long it takes for them to get flustered and leave.

 

4. Ask them to reconcile Revelation 1 and 22 for the "Alpha & Omega's" identity (Jesus or God), repeat constantly. You may have to resort to another method to actually get rid of them, but this will definitely make them sweat.

 

5. Excuse yourself from your sitting room (or wherever) ...and don't come back.

 

6. Make a series of increasingly reprehensible fake phone calls. (booky, order for pornography, drug deal, obscene call, and if they are STILL there, a tearfull confession to the police for the murder of the last Witnesses who visited you.)

 

7. Pick an oft-repeated word in their lexicon (God, Jesus, heaven, it, the etc.) and giggle whenever they utter it. If they ask you what's going on, say "nothing, why?" in very even tones, and giggle again.

 

8. Same as #7, except say "beep" instead of giggling.

 

9. (males only) Feign an intense interest in their speil. Part way through, begin putting on make-up, hosery, a dress, the whole works. (make encouraging noises [uh huh, I see...] throughout and if they ask you what you're doing, pull a #7) If they're still there when you are done, Ask them if they would please kindly leave as you have a hot date in ten minutes.

 

10. Look smug and tell them that your God can beat up their God.

[mentalhh]

PMS IN THE BIBLE (Another shameless cut and paste!)

 

A preacher was telling his congregation that anything they could think of, old or new, was discussed somewhere in the Bible. The entirety of the human experience could be found there, without exception.

 

After the service, the preacher was approached by a woman who said, "Preacher, I don't believe the Bible mentions PMS."

 

The preacher replied that he was sure it must be there somewhere and that he would look it up.

 

The following week, after service, the preacher called the woman aside and showed her a passage which read ...

 

"And Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."

[Brother Jeff]

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

 

A. Doesn't matter. He won't come anyway.

[Brother Jeff]

Q. What goes "ha ha ha POP"?

 

A. A happy pimple.

 

---------------------------

 

Q. What has eight legs, three heads, and two hands?

 

A. A man riding a horse carrying a chicken

 

-------------------------

 

Q. What did the leper say to the hooker?

 

A. Keep the tip!

[♦ nivek ♦]

Sunday service, the pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would

like to express praise for answered prayers. A lady stood up and walked to

the podium.

 

She said 'I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Jim, had a terrible

bicycle wreck and his scrotum was smashed. The pain was excruciating, and

the doctors didn't know if they could help him.'

 

You could hear and audible gasp from the men in the congregation as they

imagined the pain poor Jim experienced.

 

She continued, 'Jim was unable to hold me or the children and every move

caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate

operation. They were able to piece together the crushed remnants of

Jim's scrotum and wrap wire around it to hold it in place.'

 

Again, the men in the congregation squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined

the horrible surgery performed on Jim and the wire wrapping he has.

 

She continued, 'Now Jim is out of the hospital and the doctors say, with

time, his scrotum should recover completely.'

 

All the men sighed with relief. The pastor rose and tentatively asked if

any one else had anything to say.

 

A man walked to the podium. He said, 'Good morning, I'm Jim and I want to

tell my wife, ONCE AGAIN, the word is STERNUM.'

[♦ nivek ♦]

COUNSELING - MINNESOTA STYLE

 

Ole and Sven are quietly sitting in a boat fishing, chewing and drinking

beer when suddenly Sven says, "I think I'm gonna divorce my wife - she ain't

spoke to me in over 2 months."

 

Ole spits, sips his beer and says, "Better think it over; women like that

are hard to find."

[Karhoof]

Little Mary's 13th birthday finally arrived and, as she was a big girl now (a real teenager), her mother bought her a small bottle of perfume and a watch. Mary was thrilled with her gifts and the day was filled with asking everyone she saw to smell her perfume and to hear her watch ticking. An afternoon trip to town only provided her with more opportunities to ask even complete strangers to listen or sniff.

Heading back home, her mother told her, "I know this is a big day for you and I'm sorry sweetheart, but the pastor is coming for dinner tonight and we simply can't have you pestering him to listen to your watch or to sniff your perfume."

The pastor arrived and talked with the family for a short while. Mary was certainly feeling the pinch from her mothers directions erlier. This was a big day for her!

Everyone was called to the table and before the pastor could even bless the meal, Mary couldn't contain herself any longer. She turned to him sweetly and said, "Pastor, if you hear anything or smell anything, it's me."

[WCrystal]

Here is a VERY lame joke I thought of:

 

What do you call a nun who has ripped her clothing?

 

A nun with a bad habit.

[♦ nivek ♦]

A professor at the University of Mississippi was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscular Contractions' to his first year medical students.

 

Realizing this was not the most riveting subject,the professor decided to lighten the mood slightly.

 

He pointed to a young woman in the front row and said, 'Do you know what your ass hole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'

 

She replied, 'Probably deer hunting with his buddies.'

 

 

It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom........

[WCrystal]

Little Johnny was usually a bad boy, and this year he wanted a red bicycle for christmas, so he went to his mom and said: "Mommy, I think I've been good this year, and I want a red bicycle for christmas"

Johnny's mom said: "Well, yeah, you've stayed out of some trouble that you usually get in this year, so I guess you can have a red bicycle. But you can't ask me for the red bicycle. You have to write a letter to jesus about why you should have a red bicycle"

 

So Johnny went up to his room and was contemplating what he should put in his letter. He started writing: "Dear Jesus, I think I should have a red bicycle this year because...." and then he stopped writing.

 

The next day Johnny went to a church and saw a statue of the virgin mary upon the altar and looked around. Johnny saw that no one was in sight so he stole the statue of the virgin mary and rushed home.

 

That night he started writing his letter again:

 

"Dear Jesus,

If you ever want to see your mother again...."

[Outback Jack]

When I was a child I wanted a bicycle. I prayed to gawd and asked him to give me one.

 

Several weeks later, I still didn't have my bicycle and I suddenly realized that that wasn't how gawd works.

 

So I stole a bicycle and then asked gawd to forgive me!