Zephie Posted February 29, 2012 Share Posted February 29, 2012 This double life shennanigans is awkward - I have to be careful logging on here and eliminate all traces afterwards... can be difficult if DW is saying "pass me the laptop - I want to check something really quickly, I won't be a moment then you can have it back" DW is aware that my mood has changed and that I keep going off with the laptop to a different room. This laptop is my window to normality at the moment. Today she was asking me outright "What's happened? Why are you in a mood?" "I know something has happened - I've never seen you with a face that long before" All I can manage in reply is a teenaged grunt. I cannot risk the long face in church - I have to be all sweetness and light to carry off the illusion (bloody good thing I'm an actor isn't it?) But at home it is easier to let the guard down - be more like the new me.... except that DW is on my case now. No, this double life is trickier than I thought it would be. I just wonder what's going to give first. Yours, Lyall I hear ya! The double life blows. Sorry that DW is on your case Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 Thanx Denyoz and Zephie, I may well have to dodge church but how can I dodge home? I hate being here - its ok on my own if a friend has picked up DW to go to a women's meeting but that doesn't happen often enough. I have a whole stackeroonie of duties here but I know all her zillions of allies would flock to her aid in my absence and they would talk until the early hours about how god was allowing the situation in order for her to gain strength and also to see how "caring" the congregation is. The phone bill would equal the national debt of Iceland ! My kids left home ages ago but they would frown at my desertion too even though they are thankfully moderate and not exactly fundie. And the question is could i do it? I don't know - it's what I want but its not what I am conditioned for. Just stay here and implode I guess. F**k this. I mean seriously F**K IT ! I am getting nowhere. Sorry I can't be more positive - Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Hi Puddin's ma How did u get on at the vet ? Been wondering ever since. Hi Lyall, Well, we got some good news, she's been down-graded from "75% certain" that she has FIP to "probably not", after some test results, and her FIV and leukaemia results came back negative, so if she can get thrugh the next twelve months without getting sick, she'll be okay. Of course, she has decided to not co-operate, and is being extremely difficult- won't eat her tablets, wriggles when we put her eye ointment in... So, we've taken all food away, and if she doesn't start eating her tablets crushed up in her food like she normally does, then I'm not looking forward to our only other option: the pill popper And it's a four-week course. it's 9pm now, and she hasn't had even one dose of tablets today, and she needs to take them twice a day. Might have to start the whole treatment again tomorrow. Each week of tablets costs $35- expensive cat!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blackpudd1n Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Sorry I can't be more positive - Lyall Don't feel the need to apologise for how you feel at the moment, lyall. You are clearly in a hard situation, and it would be abnormal for it to not get to you. Have you thought about going and seeing a secular counsellor, so you can really vent in full without any concern for being discovered for what you have said? My dad always says that everything is a hundred times worse when it's pinging around in your head and you can't just verbalise it. We are here to offer you as much support as possible, but unfortunately, we are still limited, because there is always the fear for you that you will be discovered. I don't want you to leave by any means, but I just think you might benefit from being able to say anything and everything that you want to, knowing that you are protected by confidentiality. There is only so much that we can keep locked up inside before it really starts to impact upon us negatively, and I am concerned for you. You are in my thoughts, as always. Sending you a hug Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 1, 2012 Moderator Share Posted March 1, 2012 I may well have to dodge church but how can I dodge home? I hate being here .....And the question is could i do it? . I mean seriously F**K IT ! Sorry I can't be more positive - Lyall This may be too personal Lyall, but do you love your DW enough to keep your 'truth' somehow.... and try to find a way to make this relationship last? Maybe you've been wanting out for awhile and the deconverting is the issue sending you 'over the top', so to speak? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Maybe it's time to stop saving others and save yourself? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I may well have to dodge church but how can I dodge home? I hate being here - its ok on my own if a friend has picked up DW to go to a women's meeting but that doesn't happen often enough. I have a whole stackeroonie of duties here but I know all her zillions of allies would flock to her aid in my absence and they would talk until the early hours about how god was allowing the situation in order for her to gain strength and also to see how "caring" the congregation is. The phone bill would equal the national debt of Iceland ! My kids left home ages ago but they would frown at my desertion too even though they are thankfully moderate and not exactly fundie. And the question is could i do it? I don't know - it's what I want but its not what I am conditioned for. Just stay here and implode I guess. F**k this. Lyall, I grow increasingly concerned about you and your situation. Can I suggest considering something? (If not, please ignore this.) I recommend calling an emergency family meeting as soon as possible. Set some ground rules for the meeting, and then come clean: your exhaustion as a caregiver and your loss of faith. My 3.5 cents. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 I'm also growing concerned. Lyall, do you think that this situation might be heading toward "can't resolve it myself" territory? There is so much help out there for you and there is absolutely no weakness in admitting this might be bigger than he can solve alone. A man who says he's imploding is someone who might be stuck. Are you going to be okay? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 OMG you are all so pin-point accurate - it's like I have a web-cam and you can all see the situation ! I tell myself I love DW but I know I have grudgingly put up with the selfishness and overwhelming lack of support when any confrontational situation arises. I say stuff like "you could at least have backed me up by saying something" and she says "well love covers all things. " Thing is if someone had said or done something nasty to her I would reprimand them instantly with a "how dare you!" but it never works the other way round. People can say things to her like "your husband did or said such and such" and it won't be true. But she will steam in and say "so and so says you said such and such - that's not very nice of you" and I am like "who do you believe ?" And she says "I don't know" ?!?!?!?!? and the person will be a known troublemaker ! I am sure you know the kind of stuff I mean.... its like she will always listen to someone else first even if they are chronically unreliable. Sorry this is turning into an anti-DW rant. Because she is stuck at home most of the time she is obsessed with the house so absolutely EVERYTHING has to be done her way and if there is any one thing I don't agree with I never hear the last of it until I finally consent. Then if I raise the matter at a later date I am confronted with... " but you LIKE that - you SAID so".... ( get the picture ?) Talking of pictures my side of the family dont get to have their photographs up - why not? cos she doesn't like them. But even though I hate her family their photos are on display ... why? because SHE likes them. Is there a name for that kind of thinking ? By the way... her love is conditional upon me loving the lord... whenever I have discussed doubts with her in the past she has always said that its ok to have doubts but they must be resolved or left with god to sort out and that it was no reason to stop going to church and that if I stopped loving the lord that she could no longer live with me. I am not allowed any personal friends - I have a lot of interaction with other people because of some of my interests but I am not allowed to hang out with any of them. Whenever I do a gig or I am doing a stage production Dw goes into an endless sulk/complaints tirade where she complains endlessly one day and sulks the next alternately, day after day, for a couple of weeks until she has got the jealousy out of her system. I don't think I am that bad a carer - we eat healthy - I do the cooking and the cleaning, the washing and the ironing, the hoovering and the shopping beside fixing the car, fixing up the house and digging the garden.... and being her chauffeur. I wasn't going to mention any of this but it is part of the deal and actually I felt that I was holding out on you guys. Of course god puts up with me - as a sinner - so I should put up with someone who is ungrateful and has double standards shouldn't I ?. That's what drives me nuts... not the illness... not the level of care that is required... but the ingratitude and hypocrisy ! If anything goes wrong for me and I grumble I am told to ask the lord about it.... when anything goes wrong for her there is screaming and yelling until I can get it sorted. I have put up with it because I thought I should have - now it seems ten times worse. If I walk away I will be seen as the villain beside which I will have nowhere to live. Sometimes I think I was better off fooling myself. Life sucks Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Oh my god (I don't have one by the way), she reminds me so much of my ex-wife. I feel sick in the stomach. I'm not going to tell you what to do right now I have to go recollect my thoughts and come back, hopefully I will find something positive to say later... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 Oh my god (I don't have one by the way), Sorry... should have been "Oh my Ex-god ! " LOL 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 1, 2012 Author Share Posted March 1, 2012 She reminds me so much of my ex-wife. I feel sick in the stomach. I'm not going to tell you what to do right now I have to go recollect my thoughts and come back, hopefully I will find something positive to say later... Now you know why the law doesn't allow us to have personal firearms in this country ! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted March 1, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted March 1, 2012 I am not allowed any personal friends Okay, time to stand up on your hind legs and assert yourself. That's ridiculous. You really are an equal, you just don't know it. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Galien Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Sounds like you are feeling backed into a corner. Take a very deep breath. Part of the nasty thing about christianity is it allows so much dysfunctional behaviour within families. So many issues for you, probably pays to try and sort them one at a time,and I know that is much easier said than done. Firstly I would just be telling her to be quiet and stop speaking to me like I am a child. Sounds like she has had the floor way too long. No matter what our family circumstances are we deserve to be spoken to with respect mate. Sounds like she has forgotten that and needs to be pulled back into line. I stayed in a marriage for 15 years and let my ex hubby destroy me with his nasty mouth. In hindsight he was a complete prick, but I allowed it to happen. We only have one life as far as I know, I can't afford to waste any more of it allowing people to treat me like shit, no matter who they are. I am no longer a doormat for jesus. NO ONE SHOULD BE. EVER. Hugs to you, deep breaths and one step at a time. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Positivist Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Sorry this is turning into an anti-DW rant. I have put up with it because I thought I should have - now it seems ten times worse. I still think you should have a meltdown and come clean to your wife and family. Just get it all out and let others start helping you deal with it. I think caregiver burnout is part of what's going on, as well as your loss of faith. Having an ill spouse is extremely stressful. Add all these things together and it's a perfect storm. I am worried about you. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 1, 2012 Moderator Share Posted March 1, 2012 You have learned to be passive my friend. It is time to speak up. I lived like this for a long time. It is called emotional abuse. Do some research. I'm like Lyall right now...... that's all I got....... for now....... I'll be back......... 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Yeah, there's a name for that kind of thing--where you aren't allowed friends, where you're held to one standard and she holds herself to another, and where you're doing absolutely everything for someone who doesn't particularly appreciate you. It's sounds a lot like what I'd call "abuse." My DH was married to a woman who sounds exactly like your DW, and you'll note he is no longer her DH. There was a lot of WWIII drama involved, but he extricated himself before he could have a nervous breakdown from the overwork, lack of sleep, and mental abuse he endured. And you can too. You are a wonderful, introspective, thoughtful man and you don't deserve this treatment. Please think about what you need to get out of this situation, whether that's going to involve remaining in your relationship with DW or not. Please. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
midniterider Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Welcome to freedom of thought. Means I am free to hate my life is all.... Thank you for the welcome - I said I would monitor my feelings... today I am a miserable SoaB Good days come, bad days come...they alternate. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 Sorry Lyall - her love is so conditional - you have to assert some boundaries or this bad situation will continue. It must be very hard but you are a human being and have a right to life and happiness as well. You need friends, you need some time away from the demands or things could get even worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 1, 2012 Share Posted March 1, 2012 she reminds me so much of my ex-wife. I feel sick in the stomach. I'm not going to tell you what to do right now I have to go recollect my thoughts and come back, hopefully I will find something positive to say later... Ok I'm back. While I was recollecting my thoughts, I had only one thing on my mind: my list of reasons why I left my ex-wife. Before I left her, I decided to write down my reasons. I thought it was important for her to know and for me to remember, and if my kids were to ask me one day why I divorced their mother, I would be able to pull out this list and read it to them. Here it is: - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - I am leaving you because you: - are superstitious - cannot forgive - never kiss me except when I kiss you - hate my best friend - don't want to go to the cinema with me - trust only people from your culture - do not like visiting my family - cook too much food (wasteful) - hate doing house work (lazy) - watch too much TV - do not pay your fair share of household expenses - buy too many things - are not satisfied with what we have - complain about all your jobs - are not interested in personal growth - live for prestige - want to impress people and always look good - give me silent treatments for weeks on end - are scared of basements, thieves, and homosexuals - don't allow me to rest when I need to - don't take care of me when I'm sick - do not like when I play on the Internet - do not want me to talk to anybody about our relationship - are not interested in marriage counselling - have expensive tastes - want to make big dinner parties - are poor in disciplining the children - want me to spend more money on the children - want your parents to come live with us - lie to your friends - hate walking or taking the bus (I have to drive you everywhere) - cannot express your feelings - hate sunbathing - treat me like if I was your servant - don't trust babysitters - always complain - worry about everything - cannot communicate well - expect too much from me - are disorganized - often forget important things - often lose important things - love doctors and hospitals too much - turn on the radio too loud in the house and in the car - don't agree on how to entertain the children - fall asleep while I am talking to you about what is important to me - have a negative attitude - always ask for favors - make me pay for my mistakes (vengeful) - are not affectionate - are not intimate - etc. I am also leaving you because I: - feel depressed in your presence - cannot please you no matter what I do - get sick trying to please you (litterally) - need more personal space at home - cannot grow or evolve (I left this woman after 8 years of marriage even though she was an immigrant and had no family in the country, we had two small children aged 5 and 3, we had just bought a house and car, I cared about her well-being. I have never regretted it, leaving her was the best thing I ever did. It saved my life and probably hers too. Today, we are both happy without each other.) 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 For doing what you did and for placing this list on here you are a brave man Denyoz. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Actually I could take a fair number from your list and place them on my own... One other thing that drives me crazy is when I am asked my honest opinion about something.... ... and then she spends the rest of the day arguing with me and trying to get me to change my mind ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 "well love covers all things." What kind of bullshit is that? I've never heard that one before. Very poor excuse for not supporting you. Sounds like she's protecting her reputation and doesn't give a fuck about yours. Sorry this is turning into an anti-DW rant. Good. Time to shed some light on what goes on behind closed doors. Because she is stuck at home most of the time she is obsessed with the house so absolutely EVERYTHING has to be done her way and if there is any one thing I don't agree with I never hear the last of it until I finally consent. Not fair, it's your house too. Then if I raise the matter at a later date I am confronted with... " but you LIKE that - you SAID so"... Head games -- I'm very familiar with this technique. Talking of pictures my side of the family dont get to have their photographs up - why not? cos she doesn't like them. But even though I hate her family their photos are on display ... why? because SHE likes them. Again, not fair, it's your house too. Is there a name for that kind of thinking? Ummm... selfish bitch? By the way... her love is conditional upon me loving the lord... whenever I have discussed doubts with her in the past she has always said that its ok to have doubts but they must be resolved or left with god to sort out and that it was no reason to stop going to church and that if I stopped loving the lord that she could no longer live with me. There you go lyall, SHE does not want to live with you. SHE cannot live with the real you. SHE does not love you. She told you. I am not allowed any personal friends - I have a lot of interaction with other people because of some of my interests but I am not allowed to hang out with any of them. Whenever I do a gig or I am doing a stage production Dw goes into an endless sulk/complaints tirade where she complains endlessly one day and sulks the next alternately, day after day, for a couple of weeks until she has got the jealousy out of her system. This is probably the worse kind of torture one can inflict on a partner. Sulking is psychological abuse. And for what? For wanting to spend time with friends doing the things you enjoy doing? She should be encouraging you to go out and hang out with your friends. I do the cooking and the cleaning, the washing and the ironing, the hoovering and the shopping beside fixing the car, fixing up the house and digging the garden.... and being her chauffeur. I want to marry you Of course god puts up with me - as a sinner - so I should put up with someone who is ungrateful and has double standards shouldn't I ?. Uh, No. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 That's what drives me nuts... not the illness... not the level of care that is required... but the ingratitude and hypocrisy ! If anything goes wrong for me and I grumble I am told to ask the lord about it.... when anything goes wrong for her there is screaming and yelling until I can get it sorted. I have put up with it because I thought I should have - now it seems ten times worse. You have put up with it long enough. Time for the actor to stop acting. If I walk away I will be seen as the villain beside which I will have nowhere to live. A villain? Only in their eyes. The rest of the world will think you're a hero. What you need to do is not a crime, it's perfectly legal and desirable. And since God is imaginary, you don't have to worry about him. Sometimes I think I was better off fooling myself. You can't fool yourself any longer, that's why you're here. Listen to your heart, it's begging you. There is a little innocent boy inside of you who needs justice and love. Life sucks I totally agree. Life sucks. But you don't have to. Does she enjoy talking? Can you two talk about all this: the way she treats you, how you feel? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Does she enjoy talking? Can you two talk about all this: the way she treats you, how you feel? Been there. Done that. She cannot see beyond her own point of view - thinks I have no grounds for complaint - feels fully justified in her own mind and says I will never find anyone as reasonable as her. What happens is that she says "Whats on your mind?" and I say "You wont let me tell you before you start chewing me out" and she says" If a husband and wife cannot sit down and talk together what hope is there for the rest of the world?" so I say" Ok, just hear me out... yak yak blah blah....." but then suddenly I am interrupted by DW screeching " Oh no... you cant say that... you cant think that... I'm not listening to that " etc., etc., so talking to her is woefully and utterly pointless. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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