lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 BLACKPUDD1N, How is the pussy cat doing? I had a similar problem last year trying to get my cat to take pills etc. She was pretty good with the eye drops but not so good at swallowing pills. But I managed to overcome the problem.... I would grind up the pill to a powder on a little dish using the back of a spoon... then I would take a small spoon of ice cream, wait for it to soften and then mix it in with the powder. She would always go for the ice cream, hesitate briefly, and then say "what the hell, its ice cream, aint it?" and then devour the whole thing and ask for more. (She didn't actually speak but you can always tell what they are thinking cant you?) I may be wrong but I think its possible that the pills are prednisolone... steroids... which only boosts your cats system so if you miss a couple of doses its no big deal plus I am thinking that the eye drops are to counter any infection that may be picked up from the outside when the eyes are suffering from some form of insensitivity that prevents normal blinking and automatic cleansing. Just a hunch as that was the case with my moggy. Thanks for your advices by the way and good luck with your puddins. Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Been there. Done that. She cannot see beyond her own point of view - thinks I have no grounds for complaint - feels fully justified in her own mind and says I will never find anyone as reasonable as her. You will never find anyone as reasonable as her? Ppphhhah! ha! ha! ha! What happens is that she says "Whats on your mind?" and I say "You wont let me tell you before you start chewing me out" and she says" If a husband and wife cannot sit down and talk together what hope is there for the rest of the world?" so I say" Ok, just hear me out... yak yak blah blah....." but then suddenly I am interrupted by DW screeching " Oh no... you cant say that... you cant think that... I'm not listening to that " etc., etc., so talking to her is woefully and utterly pointless. Hmm... How about something like: "I don't think I love you any more... I want to love you but I need your help, I feel like you hate me." Why did you marry her? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 I wonder if you've answered a lot of your own questions with that post, Lyall. It's terrible that you get punished that way. A friend once told me about how he got in a fight as a young man with someone who he really wanted to teach a lesson to; he knocked the guy down, then knocked him down again as soon as he got up. After doing that a few times, the guy said he wasn't going to try getting up again. My friend told him "No, man, I'm done, go ahead," and as soon as the guy got up, knocked him down again. Then held out his hand and said "C'mon, take my hand. I think I've made my point," and as soon as the guy tried to take his hand, he knocked him down again. This continued until the guy just laid there and whimpered, refusing even to talk, much less get up. My friend said he wanted the guy to understand completely the feeling of utter powerlessness in the face of capricious force and unknowable rules. And it worked: years later, the beaten ex-bully was still a very different person. I hear that story and immediately think of the parallels between that outstretched hand and friendly smile, and your wife's insistence that no, this time she really wants you to share what's on your mind before she punishes you yet again for doing it. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator florduh Posted March 2, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted March 2, 2012 Either man-up, or don't. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Thackerie Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 I'm so glad you joined us. That's partially selfish — because I'm only on page 2 of this thread, and I'm already looking forward to reading a lot more of your writing. You have some very interesting stories to share with us. Keep us informed, please. We care about you! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Centauro Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Lyall, Welcome to the forum. This is a wonderful place to get started with healing. So many here have gone thru what you are experiencing. Listen to them, THEY KNOW! Akheia is correct. This is about power, control and manipulation, by religion and more importantly, by your WIFE. I sympathize with your wife's illness, but by no means does that justify here behavior. She sees herself as the victim, and is displaying CLASSIC codependent behavior. Until you understand codependent behavior, you will NEVER be able to combat the chaos these types of individuals cause and inflict on everybody that surrounds them. AMHIK. 20 years ago my wife became born again fundy Christian, I am agnostic pretty much. There was hell to pay for 18 of those 20 years. Always walking on eggs, never knowing what would set her off, let alone have a dialog about religion. What I found was I was enabling her behavior. Avoiding conflict to keep things sane in our house(we had kids and I wanted to keep them insulated). A shrink friend of mine suggested I read a book called "Codendent No More" by Melanie Beattie. It changed my life. Once I finally figured out the dynamics in Codendent relationships, I saw how I was enabling her and learned how to deal with her behavior. I saw Codendent behavior in myself, and believe me, it was a shock to learn I contributed to her getting her way. It is a complicated dynamic, and I am unable to do it justice with a paragraph or three. I highly suggest you read the book, get a copy and use it as a reference, you will see both you and your wife in the descriptions of behavior throughout the book. Also, search via the net for articles a out religious abuse and codepedence, dealing with codependent spouses etc. I guarantee you will have an epiphany. Two years ago I had come to the end of my rope. I drew the line on many of the demands my wife was making, refused to succumb to the constant manipulation and told her to her face I was not going to be treated that way. It was not said in anger, I was stating a fact. Things are much better, but my wife refuses to look within and recognize her codependency. She will still try and control and manipulate, but I have learned how to not engage, and look thru the behavior she displays and NOT REACT. Please research this stuff. You will be surprised at how much it will help put things in perspective. JMHO. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Why did you marry her? I forget. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Either man-up, or don't. man up = lose everything I have worked hard for... like the house etc This man is getting too old for a new mortgage Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super Moderator buffettphan Posted March 2, 2012 Super Moderator Share Posted March 2, 2012 ...a book called "Codendent No More" by Melanie Beattie. It changed my life. Once I finally figured out the dynamics in Codendent relationships, I saw how I was enabling her and learned how to deal with her behavior. I saw Codendent behavior in myself, and believe me, it was a shock to learn I contributed to her getting her way.... ...She will still try and control and manipulate, but I have learned how to not engage, and look thru the behavior she displays and NOT REACT. Please research this stuff. You will be surprised at how much it will help put things in perspective. Based on my own experience with my DFH (DearFundyHubby), I wholeheartedly second Centauro's recommendation. That doesn't mean I don't voice my opinions, but I WILL NOT let him run over me. Welcome to Ex-C, Lyall. I hope you'll hang around. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 2, 2012 Moderator Share Posted March 2, 2012 Either man-up, or don't. man up = lose everything I have worked hard for... like the house etc This man is getting too old for a new mortgage ........then the only other choice you have Lyall is to confront her with all this... really go at it Lyall....kick up a stink... and she'll leave you. I'm not joking - there are ways to get rid of people in your life.....Just be a big, mouthed, pain in the ass and she will leave...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 I wonder if you've answered a lot of your own questions with that post, Lyall. It's terrible that you get punished that way. guess I'll be punished every way We fell out badly today and I had water thrown over me... ...anyway... I said hey i will leave but we gotta sell the house and go 50-50 she wont sell... and i need her signature she still doesn't know i am ex-c Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 I'm so glad you joined us. That's partially selfish — because I'm only on page 2 of this thread, and I'm already looking forward to reading a lot more of your writing. You have some very interesting stories to share with us. Keep us informed, please. We care about you! Thank you... unfortunately at the moment i cannot think clearly enough to write anything else interesting... i am just unloading all the angry stuff at the moment... i am not even stopping to correct the punctuation Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Lyall, Welcome to the forum. "Codependent No More" by Melanie Beattie. Please research this stuff. You will be surprised at how much it will help put things in perspective. JMHO. Thank you very much - i will order this book. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Based on my own experience with my DFH (DearFundyHubby), I wholeheartedly second Centauro's recommendation. That doesn't mean I don't voice my opinions, but I WILL NOT let him run over me. Welcome to Ex-C, Lyall. I hope you'll hang around. Thank you - I will get this book - I am beginning to see how we ignite each other's behaviour Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Either man-up, or don't. man up = lose everything I have worked hard for... like the house etc This man is getting too old for a new mortgage ........then the only other choice you have Lyall is to confront her with all this... really go at it Lyall....kick up a stink... and she'll leave you. I'm not joking - there are ways to get rid of people in your life.....Just be a big, mouthed, pain in the ass and she will leave...... She will want the house and it ain't cheap. I will suggest 50-50 but she knows you cant buy crap with only half the amount so she wont agree. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deva Posted March 2, 2012 Share Posted March 2, 2012 Either man-up, or don't. man up = lose everything I have worked hard for... like the house etc This man is getting too old for a new mortgage ........then the only other choice you have Lyall is to confront her with all this... really go at it Lyall....kick up a stink... and she'll leave you. I'm not joking - there are ways to get rid of people in your life.....Just be a big, mouthed, pain in the ass and she will leave...... She will want the house and it ain't cheap. I will suggest 50-50 but she knows you cant buy crap with only half the amount so she wont agree. It might be a good idea if you speak to an attorney and find out what YOUR rights are. Maybe if you tell her you are ex-c the message will finally get through. Really, it might help. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 2, 2012 Author Share Posted March 2, 2012 Thanks Deva, Could be you are right, Maybe its time to throw a spanner in the can of worms and watch the sh!t hit the apple cart while sitting on the hornet's nest. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Very glad to hear that you are confronting her lyall. This will get ugly but, you will come out a winner. Freedom has a price but it will be worth every penny. Stuff can be replaced. Make sure you get your fair share. Good luck. Keep posting. You have all my support and admiration and don't worry, I won't pray for you 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Centauro Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Thanks Deva, Could be you are right, Maybe its time to throw a spanner in the can of worms and watch the sh!t hit the apple cart while sitting on the hornet's nest. Lyall, Once you realize that you need to take care of yourself and not be controlled and manipulated there will be no way of avoiding conflict. The codependent will fight tooth and nail to keep the status quo. Why? BECAUSE IT HAS WORKED GREAT FOR YEARS!!!! Start slow. For example, you say you do majority of cleaning and laundry and have limited personal time. Schedule an hour or two of YOUR TIME daily. Leave the dishes, leave the laundry till you have taken some daily personal time. I am not sure how much your wife's illness affects her ability to help out, but it sounds to me like she is more capable than she lets on....you know better than I. If she is capable and not willing to give up the services you do, she will do whatever it takes to get you to do what she wants. She will use her illness, guilt and most likely passive aggressive behavior. Let her know in as kind of tone as possible, that in order for you to go on, you have to start taking better care of yourself, so you can be a better husband to her, etc. Once you get that rolling, start establishing other boundaries...ie. refuse to hang out with people who have no real interest in your personal well being, ie. church people, don't let her religious/church activities affect your schedule. It will be a wake up call to your wife that she is losing control, and if she wants (and you want) to continue as a married couple she had better start compromising. I had totally prepared myself for divorce, after 30+ years of marriage, when I started to establish boundaries. Like you, I assumed the worse case scenario. The reality is, most codependents fear abandonment. My wife was true to form. She tried everything to get back control. Not talking to me for days, immersing herself in daily bible reading and studies...FOR HOURS! No problem...I still held the line. This went on for a good year. I did not react, did not get angry or passive aggressive. I gave her choices. Come out with me or do your church stuff with friends. I kindly declined relentless offers to hang with her church family, if I was not interested which was 95% of the time. My wife's fundamentalism is still #1 in her life. I now have a better understanding why that is, after much reading about codependence and taking a hard look at her family life as a child. Her father was an alcoholic and mother is an angry codendent who to this day is controlling and manipulative. Does my wife really love me, or does she just NEED me. Maybe a bit of both. Bottom line is she has softened her approach to me and realizes I am keenly aware of control and manipulation. Remember, this takes TIME, change will not happen overnight. You are fighting on two fronts, within yourself regarding losing your faith and with your wife who will do her best to control you. It is exhausting, believe me. I was ready to leave so many times, even considered suicide it was so bad. For me, the thought of letting my children be exposed to all the crap of fundamentalism gave me the motive to fight on. I reminded myself of the quote from one of England's finest...Winston Churchhill...NEVER, NEVER, NEVER GIVE UP. I didn't. Is my situation the way I want? Not really. But is is dramatically better. Can you make things better? I am betting you can. One way or another, it will get better. Your wife's true colors will show, once you establish reasonable boundaries on her controlling and manipulative behavior. Arm yourself with the knowledge on how to deal with this. You will be amazed at what will happen, you will feel so much better about yourself. Let the chips fall where they may, just start taking care of yourself FIRST, and things will be very clear on which direction your relationships will go. It will be obvious who is interested in your well being and who isn't. Best of luck to you Lyall...keep coming here, we all know what you are going through. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 Centauro, the advice you give is formidable. I wish I would have had this info 20 years ago, it probably would have saved my first marriage. Two thumbs up to you man (judging from your profile photo which is hilarious by the way)! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Babylonian Dream Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 all I am and all I have is wrapped up in this charade. And religion works very hard to make it that way. You're taught to have a "Christ-centered" life for the same reason an unhealthy relationship would be centered around an abusive spouse, it makes them you're world. You lose your own independant identity and a life outside of that unhealthy relationship. It's really sickening. I see it's caused you alot of justified anger, sorry. I'm glad you joined the forum and shared your experience with us! It makes me glad I never went farther than my midteens with Christianity. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 don't worry, I won't pray for you Denyoz... you made me laugh for the first time in weeks ! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 CENTAURO... Thank you for that very informative post.. Do you have a personal ex-timony on here ? Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 3, 2012 Author Share Posted March 3, 2012 all I am and all I have is wrapped up in this charade. And religion works very hard to make it that way. You're taught to have a "Christ-centered" life for the same reason an unhealthy relationship would be centered around an abusive spouse, it makes them you're world. You lose your own independant identity and a life outside of that unhealthy relationship. It's really sickening. I see it's caused you alot of justified anger, sorry. I'm glad you joined the forum and shared your experience with us! It makes me glad I never went farther than my midteens with Christianity. Thank you for your post, You seem to have a lot of understanding from your brief encounter - it seems the longer a person is in it the more blunt the thinking processes become. I'm glad you got out when you did. I managed to complicate things that have now lasted a lifetime. I want my own life back but I am not sure there is much left of it to go embarking on a magical journey of self-discovery. In my original post I have given names and numbers which could point to my identity but they don't because the names have been changed and the numbers are only comparative. It is unlikely that a christian "spy" will be reading this far on through the thread but you never know, however, I will now reveal that I am much older than I originally stated. My name is not Lyall and my friend who died was not named George but I will stick with those two names for the time being. When the time is right I will provide accurate details just like most of the rest of you kind folk here but for the time being I have plenty to hide from the "enemy" and I know they frequent this site, sometimes giving their two cents worth and probably trying to find out which of their flock has the audacity to start thinking for themselves. Kind regards - "Lyall" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
♦ ficino ♦ Posted March 3, 2012 Share Posted March 3, 2012 At least you're going ahead with integrity now rather than never, Lyall! I'm glad you can vent here and bounce thoughts and ideas off people who have been through similar situations. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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