Wings Posted March 9, 2012 Share Posted March 9, 2012 Hi Lyall, just read this thread and want to put in my welcome. I'm also very recently deconverted (a couple of weeks- hey, we share a similar anniversary Well, I'm unmarried and don't have the same responsibilities you do, so I can't relate or offer advice about what's happening in your personal life (terrible though!). However, I definitely understand angst and the pain of coming out... especially when you're still searching and trying to figure things (including yourself) out and feeling like you owe others. The crowd on ex-c has been incredibly welcoming, with good advice and warm comments- things I was so unaccustomed to. I hope you always feel comfortable among your friends here and that things start to get better for you soon. Hugs- Kristen Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Thanks Kristen, And thanks for the hug too - I need one occasionally. You must be going through a lot of turmoil yourself - do you have a story to tell? - is it on here? The feeling that you owe others.... that's a curious one. If I think of all the people I could drop like a shot each one has unconsciously been of some value to me in the past even though they now behave like my biggest abusers. There is a person named Michael Dean who has written helpful stuff that some people on here recommend - the link is somewhere in this thread but if you google "Michael Dean" and search for "co-dependency" it should pop-up. Michael shows us that people we owe who move into our past are people that we may well move on from for our own sakes seeing as "that" was "then" and "this" is "now". If you can move on from those people it will be good for you in the long run. However, it sounds as though the people who you think you owe are actually nice people. Again you will probably find that now your thinking has changed you would do well to move on and not stay unhealthily attached and possibly in a rut with these otherwise well-meaning people. In all likelihood you are not going to convince them and you now have new avenues to explore. (((( hugs back at ya )))) Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Paine Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 You had me at "turd by turd"! WELCOME!!! FINALLY! I'm not one of the newest! But ***bless your heart*** (the new vocab is still tough for me.) Your pain is palpable, and we all feel it with you....I still feel it everyday, but it DOES LESSEN with each passing day as you allow yourself to be redefined....but most of us would caution.... REMAIN IN THE CLOSET!!!!! At least until you have gradually ordered your life differently... BREAK UP WITH JESUS SLOWLY, at least in public. Privately, you can come here and follow HOURS worth of podcast and site links that will give you AFFIRMATION THAT YOU ARE NOT AN INSANE SINNER! Trust us...you may lose your old, stale raison d'être, but you will soon gain an amazing joie de vivre! xoxoxo Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaughingMan Posted March 10, 2012 Share Posted March 10, 2012 Lyall, the process of de-conversion takes time. You say it has only been days, but I am sure that the doubts and questions of Christianity started long ago. The process does not require you to alter who you are but shedding the institutional guilt and repressive thoughts programmed into you during your time in the church. It is a personal journey one meant for you only, there is no need to de-convert others, only to offer support to others that travel the lonesome road. You being a good person with your own initiative works far better than preaching verses and religious edicts at others. Telling family is tough, I know, but those who love you will understand. They may react differently denial, understanding, sympathy, or even anger. Religion instills fears, guilt and anxieties to prevent others from questioning or openly doubting the "faith." With your wife, I would suggest holding back until it is appropriate and then confide in her your doubts and feeling concerning this, you would be surprised how often people will feel the same thing but are reluctant to say anything until someone else does. There is no decree that you have to share this with others, it is a personal matter. However, you now hold responsibility and power over your own actions. With the responsibility it is your duty to stand for what is right even when the church does not. As for the other stuff, do not sweat it. The bible is composed of old scrolls written and hidden in caves then edited by a body of people interested only in securing their own power. Imagine this; far in the future how many people will remember Ayn Rand? They may find some of her "works" in some decaying tome and could just as easily canonize that into a religion. In fact, some here in America already have. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 10, 2012 Author Share Posted March 10, 2012 Hi Paine and :LaughingMan, Thank you for your welcomes and encouragement and advices. Its like building a house next to a cliff... (the house is my life in the church and the relationships therein)... ...the cliff is crumbling... (me having doubts)... ... the loss of support will bring the house down - at the moment I am teetering... ... the only way to avoid destruction, along with the shattering of the house, is to jump clear... ... but its cold and lonely at the top of the cliff... if I keep one foot in the house I may delay the inevitable... ...for a while... .. I am simply not prepared for this. Lyall. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Moderator Margee Posted March 10, 2012 Moderator Share Posted March 10, 2012 I am simply not prepared for this. Lyall. Lyall, I am watching this thread and I just wanted to tell you that I think you are doing great. I know you're scared. I am so glad you are reading the book on line. (the link is on this thread if anyone is interested) You are right - you are not ready to do anything just yet, so relax a little if you can. Remember the game, 'Let's Play Pretend'? That's what you are doing right now as you take your time to sort all of this out. It's O.K. to be a bit of an 'actor' until you know what you are going to do. You will know when you have your answers....the right answers will resonate inside you. At that point you will become brave enough to face all of it. Keep posting your progress. Keep reading about codependancy. Big hug for you today!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LaughingMan Posted March 11, 2012 Share Posted March 11, 2012 Lyall, I know it is hard. It seems like everything is built upon a foundation of sand. We at times encounter trials that act as refining moments for us. In your heart, you know what is right, that is your foundation of stone. If the relationships you've had fall because you leave the church then they were built upon sand, but in realizing this you may now seek a stronger foundation to build upon, you. Our true friends are not our friends because of a weak institution that utilizes guilt to keep one in line; it is build upon trust, honor, and respect. The things that matter in life, when the whole world comes crashing down around you, will still be there standing beside you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 12, 2012 Author Share Posted March 12, 2012 Thank you Margee and Laughing Man, And thanks to all of you who keep looking back to this thread to find me and offer me continuing support - I dont know any of you but I need you more than fresh air at this time. No-one and nothing else will do - only your words..... ( and the hugs are special too :¬) You are the most genuine people I have ever come across, Thanks a million, Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
electech98 Posted March 12, 2012 Share Posted March 12, 2012 Hey Lyall, Good to read your story so far. You are not alone in still being "in the closet" with your deconversion. I have not had faith in a god since December of last year, and I still haven't told that to anyone but a few cousins and two atheist friends. I am still an active member in our church as a deacon, in addition to being a Sunday School teacher. My wife's dad is a pastor in the same denomination we're in, and Christian cynicism about anything non-Christian runs deep within her family. I know how it is to try to have a deep conversation with your wife about something you don't agree about, as my wife does the same thing - shuts down, gets emotional, generally doesn't actually address the topic in the end because she can't handle such conversations, etc., even though I have never raised my voice at her or called her names or anything like that. She just can't handle that we can't be on the same page on everything. It is hard for her to make decisions when I ask for her opinion, because she's always been a "people-pleaser" who can't handle someone disagreeing with her. So she'll always defer back to me or her sister, etc. We're in this together, Lyall. Not only do you have people on here who have gone through the same things in the past, you have people on here who are currently going through the same things now. And, when the shit hits the fan, we won't turn on you. Here for you, Jeremy 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 Lyall, I haven't forgotten about you. I'm not totally sure what to right thing to say in this situation, so please forgive me for being a bit quiet, but I want you to know you are not in this by yourself Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
FeelHappy Posted March 13, 2012 Share Posted March 13, 2012 I'm new here myself. These things take time no need to rush it in my opinion. It took me a good year to admit that I no longer believed and fully accept it. I got pretty depressed for a few months as I was finally going through the de-conversion process, trying as best I could to hold on to something. No need to rush into anything, give it a few weeks / months and things will become more clear. Although what do I know, I broke off an engagement a couple of years ago because the girl smoked pot and questioned whither moses existed, this was back in my fundi days, I was probably closer to the mindset of your DW back then. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
lyall Posted March 16, 2012 Author Share Posted March 16, 2012 Thank you Electech, Akheia, FeelHappy - Taking my time and not rushing things means being very patient. Patience hurts. I am beginning to wish I was still successfully fooling myself. This is driving me nuts and I really don't want to do it anymore. Sorry for venting. I vent, therefore I am. Lyall Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Denyoz Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Lyall, I encourage you to be true to yourself and I hope everything falls into place gently. Keep on venting. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Akheia Posted March 17, 2012 Share Posted March 17, 2012 Lyall, it's like grieving a loved one. You've got to give yourself time to process. I think it's natural to vent and feel angry as you realize what you're now going to lack. I think a big part of mourning is dealing with the pain of loss--that "happy ending" that cannot be. You're a good person and I know you'll be okay if you keep slogging through this tunnel. You're not alone. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jdog Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I am well and truly late for saying hi but I am now saying hi and what a story this has been so far. I am so sorry for the roller coaster ride you are on and how tough it has been for you and I am sorry your wife is not well but wow! sick or not your wife doesn't sound very nice and you do not deserve that kind of treatment. It really is abuse you know. I think I would rather live in a tent on my own than live in a house with an ungrateful abusive person like that. I can imagine that it is difficult to break out of a role that you have been in for such a long time but I do believe you can do it. I know that you have been given tons of support here and sound advice and have been directed to read helpful material. I do hope that you continue on finding your way and find the true you. Please don't give up. I know your energy maybe waning dealing with the mental gymnastics you are currently involved in. living double life and also the physical aspect of taking care of your wife and home. It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. You said you are in your late 50's. you have many years left. How do you want to spend them? Maybe that can be a motivator for you to keep on going. I give you a virtual hug and encouragement to be strong. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Leith Posted March 19, 2012 Share Posted March 19, 2012 I don't know your wife, but your story reminded me of this: Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Oh yeah, there is some good stuff in there! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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