Any Coming Out To Spouse Updates?

[Eleandrus]

I still have to break it off with CBN, i gave $20 a month for the past year or so, and my card that i was using expired a few months back and there still calling me to change it, i never answer. But if i did would they just say okay or more likely try to prey with me right over the phone and convert me back (aint happening)

 

Dont think ill tell the Wife until she asks, but iam going to have to tell my All catholic family sometime i have 12 aunt and uncles and like 50 cousins so were pretty big and i just know iam going to be the balck sheep and alienate my self even further. The time i spent in the Navy really messed with my head not being able to see them but 30 days a year for 11 yrs. it changed how close i used to feel to them. and telling them iam Xian will add to that iam sure.

[roadrunner]

we had such a great day i had to post.

 

I already mentioned in another topic a few days ago that i've learned my wife fully understands my stance now. She used the word atheist to describe me. It wasnt used in first person it was through a statement she made that started with "a christian and an athiest....". even though ive never used it to describe myself to her. also earlier we were throwing out bible verses goofing around and she said "but you don't believe any of it so you aren't allowed to say it." we both got a good laugh out of it and moved on. first time ever that it didnt lead to a discussion or attitude. the encouraging part was that i now know that she fully understands that i do not believe anymore. whether or not she has come to terms with it is another story. she wants me to tell somebody but I think it more of a "help him because I can't" mindset rather than a "lets get the word out" type of deal.

 

Another thing that really helped today was she found out through the 4 year old that i helped an old man who's car broke down in the middle of a busy intersection by pushing his car to safety. I wasnt going to say anything bc it kinda sucks all the good feeling out of an action when its not anonymous anymore. Ive always got a rush from "blessing" people only now its not capped off with a god bless you. I'd love to get to the point where I say "Thanks but Im an atheist" after helping someone. But the look on my wife's face when she found out was priceless. I've known my wife for 14 years and Ive never seen that look. its a good thing. i even withheld from saying "was he gonna pray his car out of the street?" which was very tempting since my attitude in life is now "all we have in life is each other".

 

Undoubtably this is the best day that i have had in my now "mixed" marriage.

 

PRAISE HIM!!

[openpalm45]

Thats so great to hear! Im very happy for you both!

[roadrunner]

Thats so great to hear! Im very happy for you both!

 

I actually had the audacity to call it a "Praise Report" on here the other day. I couldnt think of a better name for it.

[TrueFreedom]

Hopefully it will just get better from here.

[silentknight]

It gives hope to us all.

[roadrunner]

Funny story update:

 

On the way to church we passed a graveyard and my 4 year old yells "Whats that?!!" as she sees all the fancy head stones. Excited I said "Dead People! They are under those rocks! They already lived and got old so we put them in the dirt and put a rock on top of them" My wife looked at me like I was being insensitive. I admit this was a stupid, rushed comment blurted out just to hurry up and answer the question first and it came out a little barbaric. LOL. but I figure the earlier she can come to terms with the idea of a finite life the better. So then the wife mentioned something about people crying at funerals and I said "Its sad because they arent here anymore" then Wife says "Some people are happy though..." the conversation abruptly stopped here. (I dont know what to make of this, A silent defeat or just refusal to bring up our hot button issue). When we got into church ironically the opening hymn was "I'll fly away". LOL! I looked over at my wife and said "Just a few more WEARY days, huh?" She rolled her eyes as if to say OK you won that one. I stopped here to quit while I was ahead.

 

SO the sermon is on the absurdity of evolution, the big bang, freethinkers, and the rise of atheism in our public schools. What a divine message and how appropriate for me. Everything about this day is falling into place from the children, to the hymns to the sermons. the good old spag monster pulled a fast one on me. I dont think I blinked the whole time as I absorbed this sermon again (every 3 years or so, the sermons start over) only now Im hearing it from the other side of the fence. I listened well enough to reinforce my already held belief that the bashing of atheism, the big bang, and evolution is from lack of understanding. My wife gave a few "head nods" and "mmm hmmm's" through the whole thing.

 

In the car on the way home I said "I could have rebutted that sermon". I brought up Nietzsche who was in the sermon. I mentioned that he said "If you want me to believe in your redeemer then you need to act a lot more redeemed" and then I explained how even he saw there was no difference in the behavior of a believer vs. a non-believer. Wife quickly said "Yes there is a difference". I said "Only with how they deal with life's problems" and then I brought up the happy funeral comment she made earlier that day. Then we bicker for a few seconds about how I pick everything apart. To her credit, the pastor that delivered this sermon is sharp, very sharp. So sharp as a matter of fact, as I deconverted I thought and still think that if there is a closet atheist in our church its him....other than me of course. I then brought up the medical breakthroughs that are a result of embracing the concept biological evolution such as antibiotics and vaccines. Again I saw this was an argument that I won (not that Im keeping score or anything but I know her well enough to know when something made an impact). So I again quit while I was ahead and used all my might not to bring it up again for the rest of the day and i didnt.

 

She is in Oncology for cryin out loud. Everyday she sees cells mutating to resist the very chemo treatments she administers and then has to deliver a different treatment just a few months later. Its frustrating. I had her recently explain to me in detail how cancer spreads. Shes so passionate and knowledgeable about the topic and she explained in great detail to me for several minutes how cancer works, behaves, and spreads in the body. Little did she know she was describing evolution only she used "mutate" not "evolve" which I can concede to but the whole premise is that cells do whatever it takes to survive. I really think that once she sees evolution as REAL then the bible and what we've been taught just might be misinformed.

 

That night I lay in the bed and said "you know, there would have to be a HUGE conspiracy against religion and church for schools to teach evolution and old earth. Its not like they just made the whole thing up. It has merrit". She agreed and thats the last we spoke of it. I think its eating at her but I dont want to overwhelm her. I just want reason to run its course.

[mcdaddy]

Yeah i caught the wife reading a book on atheism yesterday. I was like, whoooa. She wanted to "be more understanding of where I was". Even though i never called myself an atheist, only an agnostic. But its somewhat slanted from what i read of it, so its not really giving the information from a completely unbiased POV, so i told her it seemed like it was mischaracterizing some of their arguments and positions.

 

But its a HUGE step for her. Not that I think in the least it will change anything. But it opens dialogue.

[roadrunner]

Yeah i caught the wife reading a book on atheism yesterday. I was like, whoooa. She wanted to "be more understanding of where I was". Even though i never called myself an atheist, only an agnostic. But its somewhat slanted from what i read of it, so its not really giving the information from a completely unbiased POV, so i told her it seemed like it was mischaracterizing some of their arguments and positions.

 

But its a HUGE step for her. Not that I think in the least it will change anything. But it opens dialogue.

thats great. I think there is a huge misconception about atheists and agnostics. This misconception seems to exist mainly in the church. We were given the portrait of the non believer and we bought it hook line and sinker. Hopefully by reading she will gain some understanding as to what the logic is behind the atheist agnostic movement.

[freeasabird]

What book?

[mcdaddy]

"Atheism Remix" by Mohler

[mcdaddy]

OHMYGAWD I just looked at the back cover and it's by Crossway. DEFINITELY slanted hard right.

[freeasabird]

OHMYGAWD I just looked at the back cover and it's by Crossway. DEFINITELY slanted hard right.

 

Even the Amazon reviews by Christians say it sucks. You should offer to do a book swap with her .

[silentknight]

well, there's some hope there, a quote from a review: "Unfortunately, this book does not itself present an argument for biblical theism. The book doesn't deliver on its subtitle, "a Christian confronts the New Atheists," for there isn't much confrontation with, and no detailed argumentation against, the New Atheists. That was disappointing. Readers who want thoughtful engagement with the New Atheists will have go elsewhere."

 

I find it amusing that a lot of the amazon reviews expected it to have good arguments against atheism. As we know.. there are none.

[mcdaddy]

Okay I looked more at it and it was more balanced than I gave credit for, it's just when I saw Crossway in it I thought the worst. It's pretty short anyways. I don't think it made a dent. Shes back to her young adult fiction.

[Kateastrophy]

I know...here I am being the nasty thread bumper, but I had to weigh in on this.

 

I recently "came out" to my husband as an Ex-C. As an aside- it seems there are fewer wives who are the first to deconvert, at least here.

 

So far things have been civil and understanding. I am not trying to convince him to deconvert; I think it's as dishonest as the proselytizing that brings you into Christianity. I feel for either of them to be genuine, the person has to come to it on their own. He has asked what prompted it, and I explained that it was many things, and listed a few, but he didn't pry for details. I told him I found it difficult to believe some of the things we had always been taught because of my research into science and popular and common mythologies and other things, but again, he didn't ask for details, so I didn't push it.

 

Here and there over the past few weeks he's asked questions, and I've always been open and honest while making a concerted effort to show respect for what he still holds close. He has shown me the same respect. I did ask him what it is that he gets from Christianity, and it seems that he needs a finite moral code with real consequences in order to keep himself "in check." It's not really surprising given that he's a former Marine and a police officer. Order and black-and-white thinking are his natural tendency and what he clings to for security.

 

He does not expect me to go to church, nor do I expect him to stop going, though he hasn't been in many weeks...probably just as long as I have. He and I still pray together over our food and before bed, short little prayers giving thanks to God, since I still believe in a God, and regardless, it's a good reminder to be grateful for what we have.

 

I don't know if I hope that he deconverts since his religion clearly provides a structure that he needs; honestly, my bigger concern is our political differences. The only disconcerting thing has been that he said he hopes I don't "start believing New Age stuff," (psychics, past lives, healing crystals, etc.) because he doesn't know if we "could make it work" if I did. While I have a great personal disdain for New Age beliefs, I was more upset by the fact that he'd find them reason to leave me, as though I wouldn't still be the same person I am and have been for the past 8 years.

 

Still, after reading the rest of ya'll's posts, I guess I'm still in a better position than most!

[darwinfish]

Still, after reading the rest of ya'll's posts, I guess I'm still in a better position than most!

 

I'd say so. Congrats on coming out as a skeptic.

[Positivist]

Here and there over the past few weeks he's asked questions, and I've always been open and honest while making a concerted effort to show respect for what he still holds close.

~Snip~

The only disconcerting thing has been that he said he hopes I don't "start believing New Age stuff," (psychics, past lives, healing crystals, etc.) because he doesn't know if we "could make it work" if I did. While I have a great personal disdain for New Age beliefs, I was more upset by the fact that he'd find them reason to leave me, as though I wouldn't still be the same person I am and have been for the past 8 years.

~Snip~

Still, after reading the rest of ya'll's posts, I guess I'm still in a better position than most!

Hi, K! I think this is overall a really great position to be in. Like you, I was also the first in my marraige to lose faith. My husband, somewhat traumatized by the events that brought me to become an atheist, is not unscathed either, but still has some semblance of belief, even if just agnostic with Christian leanings.

 

I hope your situation is similar to mine in that our husbands, once seeing that we are the same people we always were and that we did not arrive at our conclusions lightly, will continue to love us and grow with us. It's definitely a good sign that he asks questions and treats you with respect, instead of hitting you over the head with the not-so-good-book.

 

What I do wonder about from this thread is why so many wives are so freaked out and threatened by their husband's deconversion, and yet your and my husband continues to love and respect us. Why aren't our husbands freaking out? Weird.

[TrueFreedom]

What I do wonder about from this thread is why so many wives are so freaked out and threatened by their husband's deconversion, and yet your and my husband continues to love and respect us. Why aren't our husbands freaking out? Weird.

I'm not sure if you agree with this popular perception, but I think it boils down to womens' common need of security and mens' common need of respect. For many women removing this foundation pulls the rug out from under them. As long as an unbelieving wife continues to respect her husband it won't have as much of an impact on the relationship.

[Positivist]

What I do wonder about from this thread is why so many wives are so freaked out and threatened by their husband's deconversion, and yet your and my husband continues to love and respect us. Why aren't our husbands freaking out? Weird.

I'm not sure if you agree with this popular perception, but I think it boils down to womens' common need of security and mens' common need of respect. For many women removing this foundation pulls the rug out from under them. As long as an unbelieving wife continues to respect her husband it won't have as much of an impact on the relationship.

My own relational perspective is a little different....but I've heard that's the general rule, isn't it? Good point, you're probably right.

[Akheia]

I suspect your husband and Kate's aren't control fiends like mine was. My Evil Ex was a horribly abusive and controlling asshole, so when I deconverted, it was like starting a nuclear war at my house. He pulled out every stop conceivable in trying to get me back into the fold. When constantly needling me with zippy Christian one-liners didn't work, he tried patience. When patience didn't work, he tried manipulation. When manipulation didn't work, he tried strong-armed demands. When those didn't work, he finally went to threats of physical harm (which is when I bailed). If you're married to a person who respects you and isn't trying to control you 24/7, I bet it's a lot easier to find a peaceful middle ground. You're very fortunate, both of you, to have spouses who are at least generally understanding and humane. I think it indicates a very good chance you guys will be fine.

 

I suspect, Kate, that your husband may not understand much about New Age beliefs or practices, just as many people don't understand much about atheism. I had a boyfriend who was well aware of my general disdain for some flavors of New Age belief, so he hid his interest in one of those religions from me for about two years before I found out by accident. I felt terribly betrayed. Neither of us were Christian, but he feared I'd think he was a different person for wanting to look into this stuff. To the contrary, I respected his intelligence so much that I just wanted to know what about it appealed to him, and though in the end I still didn't want any part of that faith system, it didn't bug me at all that he was doing it because despite his hiding this intense inquiry from me, I still respected and trusted him. Turns out I'd been mildly uninformed about some things In the end we both ended up adopting a whole other neopagan faith system and though we did break up some years ago, it wasn't over religion at all; we're both still involved in that faith and happy with it. I wonder if what I experienced then might apply a bit to what your husband is thinking.

 

I'm glad that things are going relatively smoothly for both of you ladies. I also wonder why husbands tend to take the news better than wives. Part of me suspects that if you're the type of woman who is even vaguely capable of deconversion, you're probably not the gung-ho crazy fundie type who'd marry an equally gung-ho Christian controller type like most fundie men seem to be. But this is purely my impression and I'm glad to be corrected.

[silentknight]

I think, without regards to sex, certain people are just more easy going than others. In general I think males are taught more often to only pay attention to what matters, but be brutal to those that don't fit in where they think it does matter. while women are more often taught to ostracize the person who doesn't fit in in general.

 

To put out in an anthropological way... men value what people can and will do more than a persons thought, as that's important when it comes top hunting and war. Women care what people think and how they behave as that's important to social groups.

 

Of course... these are generalities..

[freeasabird]

I think, without regards to sex, certain people are just more easy going than others. In general I think males are taught more often to only pay attention to what matters, but be brutal to those that don't fit in where they think it does matter. while women are more often taught to ostracize the person who doesn't fit in in general.

 

To put out in an anthropological way... men value what people can and will do more than a persons thought, as that's important when it comes top hunting and war. Women care what people think and how they behave as that's important to social groups.

 

Of course... these are generalities..

 

That makes a ton of sense, considering how much more catty women are in general.

[Thought2Much]

A lot of the response of the man will depend upon which particular Christian sect the couple is a part of, and how much he actually believes it.

 

For example, if the couple is a part of the Independent Fundamentalist Baptist movement, then just about any woman would be terrified of deconverting if the husband actually believes that movement's "husband as spiritual head of household" doctrine, because this would undermine his "God-given" authority over the woman. If the couple is Episcopalian, I think that is much less of a big deal.

[roadrunner]

I think, without regards to sex, certain people are just more easy going than others. In general I think males are taught more often to only pay attention to what matters, but be brutal to those that don't fit in where they think it does matter. while women are more often taught to ostracize the person who doesn't fit in in general.

;;;;;;;;;

Of course... these are generalities..

 

I agree not to be sexist or generalize. i love women trust me i married one so women dont chew my head off. I always admired my wife for her attention to detail yet for some reason my wife doesnt apply that to god. with me shes great at bringing up inconsistencies and pointing out all the flaws, etc. but god gets off the hook. i agree with kate that forcing atheism is just as bad as forcing religion but I think people need to be introduced to atheism before they can reject religion otherwise theyll think they are insane. they need to know they arent alone and that atheists can be good too.