Hunter93 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Share Posted July 22, 2013 I actually have watched them before I went back to believing due to how bad my fear was. But today has been strange. Is it normal among OCD to be scared of a LACK of intrusive thoughts? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I actually have watched them before I went back to believing due to how bad my fear was. But today has been strange. Is it normal among OCD to be scared of a LACK of intrusive thoughts? I'd ask your therapist for a sure answer, but yeah I'm pretty sure it is. I mean, I thought it was odd and weird when I started to have less intrusive thoughts. I don't remember being scared, but it was definitely weird and I did notice when they started dropping. It's probably just your brain recognizing the condition. Could be the meds kicking in as well. Because it took me a LOT longer than a month or two. It's a GOOD thing, though, that there's less intrusive thoughts. Have a good night and try not to worry so much! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Hi Hunter, I hope you don't mind me joining in this thread to offer a complete outsider's view. I've been deconverted for over ten years now and don't have residual fears from Christianity any longer, and neither do I suffer from OCD. When I read about your fears and what has triggered them, all I see is a person suffering from severe anxiety which makes him see worrying things everywhere. There is nothing in any of your posts that has made me think "oh, that does sound a bit spooky". To me, as an outsider not suffering from scrupulosity, it is very clear that it is just your own brain tormenting you. Although I don't have OCD, I am prone to anxiety, and sometimes my fears can get a bit out of hand, so I can empathise with your suffering. I started deconverting at about your age. It was a very difficult time, and I felt hopeless and believed that I could never recover, but things slowly got better. I know you can and will get better too. Just hang in there and follow Kolaida's sensible advice. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Share Posted July 22, 2013 Now I'm worried that in a prayer last night, I accidentally called God "Satan"...well actually I stopped myself before saying it and nothing implies that I did but I got scared. I'm also scared that I'll still have fear after I get better and other stuff will happen "proving" I sold my soul. And thank you kittypaws. Yeah, it's my brain tormenting me. And I'm just not sure about Christianity anymore. I'm scared it's true(and Satan is real and all that) and I re-converted due to intense fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Now I'm worried that in a prayer last night, I accidentally called God "Satan"...well actually I stopped myself before saying it and nothing implies that I did but I got scared. I'm also scared that I'll still have fear after I get better and other stuff will happen "proving" I sold my soul. And thank you kittypaws. Yeah, it's my brain tormenting me. And I'm just not sure about Christianity anymore. I'm scared it's true(and Satan is real and all that) and I re-converted due to intense fear. You can't think too much of the future; remember once you get better, your fear of the future will lessen considerably. No one here is trying to make your de-convert or reconvert. If you believe it's healthier for you and puts you in a better state of mind then by all means.Scrupulosity CAN be treated (as well as OCD and depression) whether you are religious or not. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 22, 2013 Author Share Posted July 22, 2013 With OCD, I can't help but fear the future. The lack of intrusive thoughts are actually FUELING this leading to extreme anxiety and uncertainty. The opposite is true as well. Intrusive thoughts caused uncertainty and stuff too. In other words, lack of intrusive thoughts is one thing but I think I'm getting worse. This also fuels it I feel. And it seems like everything, fuels this fear in some way. EDIT: I should say that I still have intrusive thoughts but not as frequent. So, lack might not have been the best term for that. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kolaida Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 With OCD, I can't help but fear the future. The lack of intrusive thoughts are actually FUELING this leading to extreme anxiety and uncertainty. The opposite is true as well. Intrusive thoughts caused uncertainty and stuff too. In other words, lack of intrusive thoughts is one thing but I think I'm getting worse. This also fuels it I feel. And it seems like everything, fuels this fear in some way. EDIT: I should say that I still have intrusive thoughts but not as frequent. So, lack might not have been the best term for that. Be sure to tell your therapist at your next session. Yes, with OCD fear of the future is common (or things that'll occur in the future thus the need for compulsions-- as you get treated, this fear and compulsions will lessen). Make sure your speak to your therapist about how unsettling you feel as you get less intrusive thoughts and see what methods they recommend on how to handle it. I felt some anxiety over it, but after over a decade of suffering I felt more relief than fear. Since the whole thing is still relatively new to you, it makes sense you'd be more fearful than relieved. I would definitely bring up this particular matter with the counselors when you see them. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 I talked to my sister again and she said to take it slowly. That's what I'm going to do. This was in regard to my hobby fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 My fear of karma/karmic retribution is also something I need to deal with. And should I mention all of this to my psychiatrist too? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Do mean you were thinking about running people over or something like that? I sometimes have horrible intrusive thoughts about hurting people even though I don't have OCD, and I've read that these kinds of thoughts are very common among all people. They don't mean you are a bad person and karma/God/the Devil will punish you, they're just a not-so-nice part of being human. Your thoughts cannot hurt anyone (except yourself). The concept of thought crime really is very, very cruel and I'm so relieved I'm no longer trapped in the Christian mindset and having to feel guilty over my thoughts. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Unfortunately, fear of karma, like the fear of selling soul, is something I do not know how to deal with. I'll bring this up with the counselor. And that eBay thing.... with OCD, no amount of logical reasoning can take away the doubt. I tried to think of a logical reason and I still am scared. This time though, it's worse because of that mistake I made last Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I'm assuming you edited your post because seeing it written down that you'd had a "bad thought" was making you scared that writing about it was somehow making the whole thing even worse. About the eBay thing - I don't even understand what the scary thing there is, and from your posts I understand that your rational mind knows there's nothing scary and supernatural going on. It's "just" your OCD/scrupulosity making you see scary meaning and connections everywhere you look. Yes, you should definitely talk to your counsellor about all of this stuff! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 Yeah. It was making it worse. The eBay thing was the fear "I sold my soul and X happened". And I never realized how bad my fear of karma is until now. It's definitely a big one. Basically, it's "if I have any bad thoughts or reactions or if I say this about something or do this, that same thing or something will happen to me. It may not happen now but it will happen". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Everyone has "bad thoughts". Every single human who's ever lived and who's capable of thinking has thought "bad thoughts" (jealous thoughts, pissed-off thoughts, etc. etc. etc.). And I think (I've read about a survey confirming this) most people also sometimes have horrible thoughts pop into their head that go "I'm cutting this onion with this big knife - what if I suddenly stabbed my mother in the face with it?" or "what if I pushed that stranger under the bus?" or "what if I dropped my baby from the balcony?" and so on. These thoughts are part of being human. As horrible and upsetting as they are, they do not actually cause anyone else any harm. If karma punished anyone thinking "bad thoughts", every human would be punished. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 One thing with the selling soul fear is I get the most bizarre fears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 Because the thought of accidentally selling your soul scares you so much, your mind is tormenting you by finding "evidence" of you having done it. It's a bit like if you tell someone that they must not think of pink elephants, that it's imperative they do not think of pink elephants. It's virtually impossible not to think of them then. Sometimes when I'm feeling really anxious my mind tricks me into "confirming" my fears, for example the thought pops into my head that if x happens (x being something pretty ordinary and quite likely to happen), it proves y (my fear) to be true. Does this happen to you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 23, 2013 Author Share Posted July 23, 2013 That's probably what's happening. And it's hard to mention it to people IRL because I feel uncomfortable mentioning it. I think so. EDIT: And I had more intrusive thoughts about this. I get even more scared now because of what happened last Saturday. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Share Posted July 24, 2013 And in regards to that hobby of mine, I was thinking about it(daydreaming about buying and stuff rather) and whole selling soul thing made me scared that I want it to happen and that thinking was "proof" of it. I don't know why I was thinking like that but it's definitely not a good idea with this fear. But, it's strange how what I'm thinking about would be the exact thing to cause fear if it did happen. Basically, I was thinking about what I DON'T want to happen now because of the fear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Share Posted July 24, 2013 Now I'm getting very scared about yesterday. It's all a bunch of "what ifs" but I'm SO terrified right now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 I wish I could comfort and reassure you somehow. Even though you're terrified and the possibility that you might have sold your soul may feel very real, this does not mean that there actually is any truth behind these fears. They are "just" feelings generated by your brain. Me saying this probably doesn't reassure you at all because with your rational mind you do know this but switching off the cycle of fear seems impossible at the moment. Does any kind of distraction help when you're in the grip of intense fear? Can you concentrate on anything else (a film/book/music etc.)? Does talking about other stuff with people help? Going for a run while listening to loud music? When are you next seeing your counsellor or psychiatrist? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Share Posted July 24, 2013 I actually say my psychiatrist today. Seeing the counselor today too. I did all the research yet I still re-converted because of fear. I fear that Satan does exist and that everything I researched was wrong. I'm scared in just posting this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 Tell your psychiatrist and counsellor how seriously your fears are affecting you. Do they seem like nice, sensible and understanding and do they seem to know their stuff? I hope so. Even though you're horribly scared, it does not mean Satan is real. It only means your fear is very real. I hope your psychiatrist and counsellor are able to help you deal with your fear and the OCD. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Share Posted July 24, 2013 The selling soul fear, the fear of death, and the fear of karma/karmic retribution are probably the three biggest fears that I have. That's not in any order because they are about equal. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kittypaws Posted July 24, 2013 Share Posted July 24, 2013 Please tell honestly about these fears to your psychiatrist and counsellor. Don't let your fears stop you from telling them exactly how terrified you are and how much it's affecting your daily life. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hunter93 Posted July 24, 2013 Author Share Posted July 24, 2013 It really is. I wanted to buy something at Target today but the selling soul fear has me too scared to buy it. I plan on telling the counselor everything that's bothering me. From what happened last Saturday to what happened yesterday plus any other fears. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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