Selling Soul To The Devil.

[Hunter93]

And there is another thing that spooked me.

 

So, about a few weeks ago, I bought this item off eBay. Well, there was another seller that had the same item for a little cheaper and 3 in stock. On a Saturday, I noticed it and I immediately got scared that "I sold my soul" so I told Satan to "take it back". When I checked the next day, 2 were already bought and the 3rd later. The one I DID buy(different seller), I said the same thing but nothing happened. This makes me scared I played into Satan's hands despite my effort to avoid just that. I have no proof that a supernatural entity had anything to do with this but I'm still very scared.

 

My mom has it right now along with a bunch of similar things. We agreed I won't continue this hobby until I get better and she'll hold on to those until I get better.

[kolaida]

I already told my counselor about the voices.

 

Btw, for some reason, I just remembered that the kid who preached to me said that God chose him to be one of his prophets. I don't know why, but that's bothering me.

 

EDIT: Ugh, it's even getting hard to talk about this because even though I really have OCD/Scrupulosity, Anxiety, and Depression, I fear that I'm only doing this for attention or someone will think that and it'll come back to haunt me(I fear even mentioning that). Actually, I fear having bad thoughts and "rebuking the devil" will also come back to haunt me. That's a big fear trigger for me.

 

It's fine. A lot of people with anxiety and even OCD worry they are doing things just for attention.  The disorder is one of worry (and uncertainty). You can worry yourself crazy. My therapist is still helping me retrain my thoughts so every thought isn't basically something I'm worrying about. It sounds like you catastrophize thing as well (something I am EXTREMELY guilty of and am still trying to not do so) http://psychcentral.com/lib/2007/what-is-catastrophizing/   which is a common thing with people with anxiety disorders, especially in the OCD realm.  It takes a LOT of work and effort to stop this way of thinking. 

 

The voices are pretty much always in your head! Don't think they're outside of it unless it is a person that can verify they actually said your name or something else. The fact that you are worried about hearing voices is a good sign. A lot of time it is a sign of excessive stress and worry when you're already suffering from an anxiety disorder, but still be open and honest with the counselor (which you are) and good to hear your mom is helping you! When I went to my parents for anxiety treatment, they laughed it off and told me it was "in my head." 

 

Also, you cannot worry what others think. I know, I KNOW it's a lot harder said than done. I don't know where you're at on the passive/assertive/aggressive scale. The goal is to become an assertive person (thinking of your own needs while thinking of others). I know I was extremely passive and would fly to aggression every now and then. But I am a very passive person and that's something each of the therapists I have had have harped on. And part of that is not worrying what others are thinking of how they think of you, but that you just get done what you need to get done! 

 

Exposure therapy is very good. I eventually gave myself treatments without realizing it, but exposing yourself to the feared thoughts, etc, and overcoming it is a good thing. Another thing with OCD is that we sufferers tend to read too much into small or little actions--- in other words, we try to give more meaning to things than there actually is-- such as the eBay thing.  But I know it's very hard to accept that. It's just your brain misfiring and your thought process needs rewiring. 

 

You don't have to completely give up religion to conquer Scrupulosity, either. Scrupulosity seems to be distressing your more than the general OCD (understandably- it stressed me out way more).   

 

Try looking at it from another view point: If Satan IS real then we're going to have to believe God and, in this case, Jesus are all real, too. In this, we cannot focus on Satan so much. God is more powerful than Satan as the Bible illustrates.  Do you really think you would lose your soul over eBay? Do you think God wouldn't be aware that you have a thought disorder and that he would not be aware that you meant nothing when those thoughts popped into your head. After all, shouldn't God, the creator of thought, be aware of how thoughts and thought disorders work as well as genetics, etc? He would understand that Satan was using the thought disorder (Scrupulosity/OCD) against you and attempting to manipulate you into being unable to do God's will. God would understand and not hold a thought disorder that he allowed into existence to cause you to accidentally sell your soul. 

 

You don't even have to give up religion completely to overcome the thought disorder. Giving up religion is not something that will heal Scrupulosity. It's already been triggered and it's going to remain until your thought process changes and it will take awhile. It's a thought disorder triggered by religion. However, the disorder will remain even if the religion doesn't. Even I sometimes find myself slipping back in Scrupulosity thoughts every now and then and have to make a conscious effort to stop. 

 

(btw, I use the term thought disorder loosely in reference to OCD/Scrupulosity/anxiety-- I don't really know how else to phrase it. It's not like an official thing) 

 

Hang in there, Hunter.  One thing you can really try is the rumination only at certain times. Any time you are thinking or rethinking over a thought, that is rumination.  Set a time where you can only ruminate for so long.  Say, 8PM-8:30PM as Rumination Time. Any thought you are over concerned about or bothers you, tell yourself, "I will think about this at 8PM." and do not harp on it or think about it again. write yourself a note if you have to for the various thoughts you want to think about. Then at 8, think about them for 30 minutes. You will find you actually have trouble filling the time an it will lessen each day. Just a suggestion. Hang in there, it'll get better with time! 

[Hunter93]

The thoughts happened before that. The avoidance behavior started last week.

 

I really wished I noticed the signs earlier. But, it's not easy telling someone about all these bad thoughts and all. When the anxiety got worse and the depression hit, I think that's when the OCD got even worse.

 

OCD is definitely the disease of uncertianity. I worry that these bad thoughts that I didn't and don't mean will come back to haunt me. I also worry about having bad reactions to bad things or thoughts and those will come back to haunt me.

[Hunter93]

By "coming back to haunt me", I essentially mean karma. Like, if I see the news reporting on something horrible and tragic and I fear that I did have an evil thought or a bad reaction, or I am "certain" that I had, I get scared that something similar will happen to me or my family. For the bad reactions, it's harder because I fear that it wasn't true that I didn't mean it thus I'm a bad person and karma will get me. Even if I didn't mean it, I still fear it will come back to haunt me.

 

Divine retribution is another big one.

 

EDIT: And that dream I mentioned earlier is starting to scare me even though I haven't had one like that since.

[Hunter93]

So, I'm pretty sure I got scared again when I saw a buddy of mine on another forum that hasn't been on since early May. And the convo we had started pretty odd or maybe I put too much meaning into something again.

 

And now I have that catastrophic thinking thing happening. Speaking of which, thanks for bringing that up kolaida. I had no idea about that until now. That happens to me a lot. I mean, a lot. Is it common with OCD?

[kolaida]

By "coming back to haunt me", I essentially mean karma. Like, if I see the news reporting on something horrible and tragic and I fear that I did have an evil thought or a bad reaction, or I am "certain" that I had, I get scared that something similar will happen to me or my family. For the bad reactions, it's harder because I fear that it wasn't true that I didn't mean it thus I'm a bad person and karma will get me. Even if I didn't mean it, I still fear it will come back to haunt me.

 

Divine retribution is another big one.

 

EDIT: And that dream I mentioned earlier is starting to scare me even though I haven't had one like that since.

 

I had a few really disturbing dreams relating to OCD/Scrupulosity. It wasn't super common, but when I did, damn, were they disturbing. It's somethin I would think about for days and wonder what it meant and would try to read meaning into it. Why was this put it my head, etc? But all in all, you can't put too much meaning into these things and, at the end of the day, it's just your brain. I would definitely describe them as nightmares and dreams I never wanted to have again. 

 

I completely understand what you mean by the karma.  You will not be punished for your thoughts.  Thoughts happen and you can control them though it does take a lot of effort. Karma is actually a good example here; I believe karma is used more for what actions you have done. You can have a bad thought about a person, but still do a good thing for them, you know? That's you controlling the thoughts and not letting thoughts decide your actions. 

 

 

So, I'm pretty sure I got scared again when I saw a buddy of mine on another forum that hasn't been on since early May. And the convo we had started pretty odd or maybe I put too much meaning into something again.

 

And now I have that catastrophic thinking thing happening. Speaking of which, thanks for bringing that up kolaida. I had no idea about that until now. That happens to me a lot. I mean, a lot. Is it common with OCD?

 

Yeah, it's very common with OCD. Happens with me a LOT, too. Along with mind reading, predicting the future, etc and several other thought quirks. I'm not going to say much more, though, because I don't want you to think you have it all. The psych will probably get around to pointing it all out eventually. It's just not going to be a quick thing. As someone else stated earlier, you could be in talk therapy for awhile. I've done about a year of talk therapy now. It IS very helpful but it DOES take time to kick in. The main thing is to really, really try not to worry so much about Scrupulosity, anxiety, or OCD. Just sit back and try to enjoy some life. 

 

Also, just a note, catastrophic thinking is not something ELSE you have; it's simply part of the OCD. 

 

Also, when they are listed like that, it really sounds like you have more to deal with. Just remember, what you are mainly dealing with is anxiety and depression. OCD falls under anxiety and Scrupulosity falls under OCD. In all honesty, depending on the severity of your depression, it's a more pressing matter than anxiety. Just don't think you have a million things wrong with you because you don't. And you are completely normal, anxiety disorders are not rare and everyone has suffered from depression at some point in their life. 

[Hunter93]

I'm aware that it will take time. I know it just doesn't go away just like that. It's still tough to post about this now for reasons already stated but I know it'll get better even if I feel it's getting worse.

 

And good point. I didn't realize that it made it seems like I had more than what I actually do. I'm seeing both my psychiatrist and counselor tomorrow. The counselor appointment is set up so it's always on Wednesday.

 

With OCD, superstitions seem to he a big thing. The eBay thing, the other forum thing, etc.

[Pantophobia]

I wish I could add something of substance, but really, what kolaida posted is almost exactly what I've experienced, too. Christianity and the rituals built in really do sort of ping with those of us who seek patterns and understanding. 

[Hunter93]

OCD feels so overwhelming. I believe I'll get better but I still wish I took notice of the signs earlier before it got this bad.

 

I did confirm what believed what at least part of my ERP would involve in counseling today.

[kolaida]

I wish I could add something of substance, but really, what kolaida posted is almost exactly what I've experienced, too. Christianity and the rituals built in really do sort of ping with those of us who seek patterns and understanding. 

 

Yeah, it really does. Almost like it was made for us. Martin Luther was an anxiety sufferer (he had Scrupulosity as well) too and I'm sure there were some Popes along the way that were as well. So it kind of makes sense in way, you know? That those of us with anxiety pick up on it while others won't pick up on it at all. 

[Hunter93]

Another thing I noticed with OCD, in regard to superstition, is this. The hobby in question that I had to put on hold is card collecting. Over the course of 3 weeks, I had bought product and if I wasn't dealing with these problems, I'd have been estatic with the cards I got(explaining how everything works in card-related product would take too much time) and for the first 2 weeks, when I opened up those product(one in one week and one in the second). I was as first but then the fear that I sold my soul came in. Yes, this is what I was buying at Target on the 29th of May when the original intrusive thought came. Again, would have been happy with what I got if not for that. Any cards that I know I bought between the 29th of May and the most recent time I bought something, whether I bought it off eBay or from Target, I gave to my mom to keep away for now.

 

What I am trying to say is this. The logical reasoning if I went and told someone who also is into this hobby would be I got really lucky. But, with OCD, my mind went to that fear. Because of that one, intrusive thought that started it all. Basically, OCD turned a hobby that I enjoyed against me. Part of my ERP is going to be involving the stuff I gave my mom to keep away for now.

[kolaida]

Another thing I noticed with OCD, in regard to superstition, is this. The hobby in question that I had to put on hold is card collecting. Over the course of 3 weeks, I had bought product and if I wasn't dealing with these problems, I'd have been estatic with the cards I got(explaining how everything works in card-related product would take too much time) and for the first 2 weeks, when I opened up those product(one in one week and one in the second). I was as first but then the fear that I sold my soul came in. Yes, this is what I was buying at Target on the 29th of May when the original intrusive thought came. Again, would have been happy with what I got if not for that. Any cards that I know I bought between the 29th of May and the most recent time I bought something, whether I bought it off eBay or from Target, I gave to my mom to keep away for now.

 

What I am trying to say is this. The logical reasoning if I went and told someone who also is into this hobby would be I got really lucky. But, with OCD, my mind went to that fear. Because of that one, intrusive thought that started it all. Basically, OCD turned a hobby that I enjoyed against me. Part of my ERP is going to be involving the stuff I gave my mom to keep away for now.

 

OCD does suck in various ways. The fact that it is affecting your quality of life (unable to enjoy hobbies you normally would) is what makes it a disorder. OCD really does get you down sometimes. 

[Hunter93]

And it's a hobby I've been into for years. I didn't and don't want to stop buying since who knows how long it will be until I start getting better but I felt like I had no choice.

 

It was affecting my summer class too. I had to withdraw because of it. The Fall semester starts late next month so I hope I get better soon because this affected studies and everything.

[Hunter93]

And I'm trying to figure out how would the fear of selling soul would be dealt with in therapy.

 

The whole card thing still bothers me. I mean, three weeks in a row my luck was good(luck is the best thing I could think of). In my book, how can I not be scared that "I sold my soul and X happened?"

 

I think what also scared me was that the original thought happened AFTER de-conversion(I had to re-convert because of all this). Believing that I didn't have God to protect me probably just increased that fear. The fear is still intense.

[Hunter93]

So, I can't seem to do anything without fearing "I sold my soul" or "Satan is doing this".

 

For instance, there are different brands of cards. I collect 2 but recently, I've been interested a third. I got scared because I thought "I was falling into Satan's trap" so even if I bought cards, I still wouldn't be able to buy anything of that brand.

[Ralet]

I dont know what else besides therapy and medication can help you. Your fears are irrational but you probably know that. I mean even if satan was real and a tempter, he would tempt you to commit sin and not to buy a certain thing. And "selling" implies two sides that agree on an exchange. you can not be tricked into selling something. the only way to "sell your soul" would be if satan shows up and offers you something (power,money,...) in exchange for your soul and you agree to that. (which has never been part of christian belief). And god does not protect people from temptation or suffering (i.e. Job). You have been fine before without gods protection.

[kolaida]

So, I can't seem to do anything without fearing "I sold my soul" or "Satan is doing this".

 

For instance, there are different brands of cards. I collect 2 but recently, I've been interested a third. I got scared because I thought "I was falling into Satan's trap" so even if I bought cards, I still wouldn't be able to buy anything of that brand.

 

Unfortunately, that's just part of the OCD/Scrupulosity going through your brain. I know you are already in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for medicines. I don't know if it helps, but I really had to train my brain that when those thoughts popped up, I would tell myself "It's part of the Scrupulosity. Need to let this thought go." And it didn't go right away, I mean I had to fight to replace the thought and had it took a ton of energy to focus on whatever task I had at hand and sometimes I had to tell myself that several times before the thought would leave for a little bit. Then it'd pop up again and I would go through the process again. It's not easy, but it eventually helped me. It got to a point where a thought would pop into my head and I'd say "It's Scrupulosity. Forget it."  Or today, even "It's the OCD. Next thought."  Part of it is just recognizing and accepting it. 

 

With the Scrupulosity and selling your soul, I had wondered about that, too. But on the OFF CHANCE you had sold your soul, what good does it really do to worry about it? Might as well enjoy life. God wouldn't really be all that powerful if he allowed a person suffering from an unwanted disorder to sell their soul without fully realizing what they were doing.  It is very, very hard, though, I know. I hope this forum has been helping somewhat. 

[Hunter93]

 

 

So, I can't seem to do anything without fearing "I sold my soul" or "Satan is doing this".

 

For instance, there are different brands of cards. I collect 2 but recently, I've been interested a third. I got scared because I thought "I was falling into Satan's trap" so even if I bought cards, I still wouldn't be able to buy anything of that brand.

Unfortunately, that's just part of the OCD/Scrupulosity going through your brain. I know you are already in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for medicines. I don't know if it helps, but I really had to train my brain that when those thoughts popped up, I would tell myself "It's part of the Scrupulosity. Need to let this thought go." And it didn't go right away, I mean I had to fight to replace the thought and had it took a ton of energy to focus on whatever task I had at hand and sometimes I had to tell myself that several times before the thought would leave for a little bit. Then it'd pop up again and I would go through the process again. It's not easy, but it eventually helped me. It got to a point where a thought would pop into my head and I'd say "It's Scrupulosity. Forget it." Or today, even "It's the OCD. Next thought." Part of it is just recognizing and accepting it.

 

With the Scrupulosity and selling your soul, I had wondered about that, too. But on the OFF CHANCE you had sold your soul, what good does it really do to worry about it? Might as well enjoy life. God wouldn't really be all that powerful if he allowed a person suffering from an unwanted disorder to sell their soul without fully realizing what they were doing. It is very, very hard, though, I know. I hope this forum has been helping somewhat.

See, the fear is that I sold my soul and I don't have much time left because of that. So it's hard to think that way.

 

Yes, this forum has been helpful in a way but, OCD isn't called the uncertainty/doubting disease for nothing.

[kolaida]

 

 

So, I can't seem to do anything without fearing "I sold my soul" or "Satan is doing this".

 

For instance, there are different brands of cards. I collect 2 but recently, I've been interested a third. I got scared because I thought "I was falling into Satan's trap" so even if I bought cards, I still wouldn't be able to buy anything of that brand.

Unfortunately, that's just part of the OCD/Scrupulosity going through your brain. I know you are already in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for medicines. I don't know if it helps, but I really had to train my brain that when those thoughts popped up, I would tell myself "It's part of the Scrupulosity. Need to let this thought go." And it didn't go right away, I mean I had to fight to replace the thought and had it took a ton of energy to focus on whatever task I had at hand and sometimes I had to tell myself that several times before the thought would leave for a little bit. Then it'd pop up again and I would go through the process again. It's not easy, but it eventually helped me. It got to a point where a thought would pop into my head and I'd say "It's Scrupulosity. Forget it." Or today, even "It's the OCD. Next thought." Part of it is just recognizing and accepting it.

 

With the Scrupulosity and selling your soul, I had wondered about that, too. But on the OFF CHANCE you had sold your soul, what good does it really do to worry about it? Might as well enjoy life. God wouldn't really be all that powerful if he allowed a person suffering from an unwanted disorder to sell their soul without fully realizing what they were doing. It is very, very hard, though, I know. I hope this forum has been helping somewhat.

See, the fear is that I sold my soul and I don't have much time left because of that. So it's hard to think that way.

 

Yes, this forum has been helpful in a way but, OCD isn't called the uncertainty/doubting disease for nothing.

 

 

Right, unfortunately, this is still a recent development and it'll take a while for treatment to really start kicking in, several weeks at least. (Sadly, wish stuff could go faster). 

 

But if you DID sell your soul and don't have much time left because of it, what good is worrying about it really doing? I guess that's more the question I was going for. Unless you believe there is some way to unsell your soul?  (And for the record, I don't believe souls can be sold to Satan. That would be a business transaction and it does not sound like you spoke or talked this over with either him or God. More like the thought just popped into your head that it might have happened and now you are worried it did).  

 

And, again, yeah, this forum can only do so much good. Sometimes I feel bad even posting it because I'm no medical professional but at least you are getting help from them. Sometimes too it's just good to vent to help clear those OCD thoughts. 

[Hunter93]

 

 

 

So, I can't seem to do anything without fearing "I sold my soul" or "Satan is doing this".

 

For instance, there are different brands of cards. I collect 2 but recently, I've been interested a third. I got scared because I thought "I was falling into Satan's trap" so even if I bought cards, I still wouldn't be able to buy anything of that brand.

Unfortunately, that's just part of the OCD/Scrupulosity going through your brain. I know you are already in therapy and seeing a psychiatrist for medicines. I don't know if it helps, but I really had to train my brain that when those thoughts popped up, I would tell myself "It's part of the Scrupulosity. Need to let this thought go." And it didn't go right away, I mean I had to fight to replace the thought and had it took a ton of energy to focus on whatever task I had at hand and sometimes I had to tell myself that several times before the thought would leave for a little bit. Then it'd pop up again and I would go through the process again. It's not easy, but it eventually helped me. It got to a point where a thought would pop into my head and I'd say "It's Scrupulosity. Forget it." Or today, even "It's the OCD. Next thought." Part of it is just recognizing and accepting it.

 

With the Scrupulosity and selling your soul, I had wondered about that, too. But on the OFF CHANCE you had sold your soul, what good does it really do to worry about it? Might as well enjoy life. God wouldn't really be all that powerful if he allowed a person suffering from an unwanted disorder to sell their soul without fully realizing what they were doing. It is very, very hard, though, I know. I hope this forum has been helping somewhat.

See, the fear is that I sold my soul and I don't have much time left because of that. So it's hard to think that way.

 

Yes, this forum has been helpful in a way but, OCD isn't called the uncertainty/doubting disease for nothing.

 

 

Right, unfortunately, this is still a recent development and it'll take a while for treatment to really start kicking in, several weeks at least. (Sadly, wish stuff could go faster). 

 

But if you DID sell your soul and don't have much time left because of it, what good is worrying about it really doing? I guess that's more the question I was going for. Unless you believe there is some way to unsell your soul?  (And for the record, I don't believe souls can be sold to Satan. That would be a business transaction and it does not sound like you spoke or talked this over with either him or God. More like the thought just popped into your head that it might have happened and now you are worried it did).  

 

And, again, yeah, this forum can only do so much good. Sometimes I feel bad even posting it because I'm no medical professional but at least you are getting help from them. Sometimes too it's just good to vent to help clear those OCD thoughts. 

 

Well, when you think you don't have much time left, it's not easy to just relax and enjoy is it? My mom says it's because of Depression that I feel this way.

 

And yes, this forum has been helpful but OCD is called the uncertainty/doubting disease for a reasons.

 

And I forgot to mention something,

 

For instance, there are different brands of cards. I collect 2 but recently, I've been interested a third. I got scared because I thought "I was falling into Satan's trap" so even if I bought cards, I still wouldn't be able to buy anything of that brand.

 

I don't know if a dream I had in which I took an interest in this brand had anything to do with my sudden interest. I don't really count my dreams because they're so random at times.

[kolaida]

If your depression is severe, it IS a more serious issue than anxiety. I'm guessing/hoping the counselor is addressing the depression as well, if not foremost. Untreated depression can lead to more dangerous things than untreated anxiety. 

 

And, yes, it's hard to "relax."  But, you really have to consider how is the worry affection the situation. What good is really doing? The worry has absolutely no influence on the outcome of the situation and only affects you presently. I was just trying to point that out. Just a forum, though, and we're not exactly therapists here (Least I'm not), though I can commiserate with how awful anxiety disorders and depression are. 

[Hunter93]

Question: Can dreams influence behavior? I'm trying to figure out if that dream I caused me to get interested in that other brand of cards or it was mere coincidence. I didn't look it up on that same day but maybe a day or two later, I started too. That kinda spooks me. Probably another reason why I'm so hesitant to buy anything alongside the intense fear I had. I really want to buy them again but I just can't right now.....

 

Nothing good comes from worrying. The problem is trying NOT to worry which is very hard with OCD.

[Ralet]

I think dreams are just a way for your brain/subconscious to express desires, fears and compute impressions and events from your day/life. Dreams are not something external that influence you, they are a reflection of your inside.

[Hunter93]

Urgh, not being able to buy cards until I get better is actually starting to get me mad. But, I really have no choice because this fear is so bad thhat everywhere I turn, the fear is there. Good deal off eBay whether it's shipping discount or BIN price? Fear comes. Buy any cards? Fear comes. etc etc etc.

 

It sucks. I asked my mom to buy me something regarding that new brand of cards but not to tell me when and hide it until I'm better. So when I finally get better, I'll have at least SOMETHING to open. I'm too scared to buy it myself or open it myself so I had to do this. 

 

I need to talk to my mom and counselor about this. I think the first step will be to deal with the fear of those cards I gave to my mom to keep away but not knowing when I will get better and not being able to buy cards until then is starting to frustrate me. 

[Hunter93]

And now the selling soul fear is developing into more....irrational fears. I mean very bizarre fears.

 

Also, do you really get increased anxiety while in therapy? I read that somewhere and it might be what's going on.

 

EDIT: I am still scared I decided to open what my mom bought me. Basically, I confronted my fear for that(but yes, I am still scared).