You Know You're A Fundy When ...... (fill In The Blank)

[godlessgrrl]

315. You get flustered and upset when anybody claims the Song of Solomon is a book of erotic love poetry.

 

316. You imagine that the folks who founded the courts of Inquisition weren't really TrueChristians™, despite all evidence to the contrary.

 

317. You imagine that the folks who went on Crusade in the Middle Ages weren't really TrueChristians™, despite all evidence to the contrary, or...

 

318. ...you know the Crusaders were indeed TrueChristians™, and their acts of rape and slaughter were perfectly justified, in the interest of "winning back Jerusalem from the infidel".

 

319. You think that your own slavish adherence to dogma and doctrine is completely different from, say, a Muslim fundamentalist's slavish adherence to dogma and doctrine.

 

320. You think that science is based on faith, the same way your religious beliefs are.

 

321. If you encounter a non-Xian who knows the Bible better than you do, you dismiss them with the condescending Special Pleading that "non-Xians can't possibly understand what it means to be Xian, therefore you don't know what you're talking about."

 

322. If you encounter someone who was once Xian but isn't any longer, you claim that they were never really a TrueChristian™ in the first place, and that their conversion wasn't Real™ (unlike your own, of course), or...

 

323. ...you claim that there isn't any such thing as an "Ex"-Xian, and insist that said ExC'r is in fact still Xian, they just are horribly backslidden, whether they know it or not.

 

324. This website and forum really, really, really bothers you.

 

325. You consider this website (and other sites dedicated to nonbelievers or ex-Xians) to be a personal challenge, an arena in which to test your evangelizing skills. (Which by and large suck.)

 

326. You think there are no gay people, only straights who are sinning. (Kudos to Bill Maher for that one.)

 

327. You think ex-gay ministries and programs are in fact a Good Thing™.

 

328. Your advice to abused women is that they should "turn the other cheek" and forgive their spouses because "it's what a good Christian wife should do".

 

329. You actually think the phrase "spare the rod and spoil the child" is in the Bible.

 

329a. You think said phrase means you should beat your children, when you really have no fucking clue that a shepherd's rod isn't used to beat sheep, just sort of move them where they need to go.

 

330. You have absolutely no idea of the history of how your Holy Book was actually put together - by whom, when, and for what purpose.

 

331. You firmly believe that we are in the End Times now, despite the fact that people have been bitching about the decline and fall of humanity for the past 6000 years and it hasn't actually happened yet.

 

332. You think the bishops at the Council of Nicaea were totally unbiased and had no ulterior motives or political agenda, and were wholly directed by God; and you trust their judgment in deciding Biblical orthodoxy for all time.

 

333. You think it outrageous that the Book of Mormon was added to the Bible by the LDS, yet you have no problem with other editing jobs (such as the discarding of the Gospels of Mary Magdalene and Thomas).

 

(Woo! Halfway there!)

[Open_Minded]

 

1/2 way there - way to go gwenmead

 

334. You believe that all of us working to reach 666 indicators of being a Fundy is SOLID PROOF that this site is the workings of the Devil himself.

[godlessgrrl]

335. You have know knowledge or understanding of Koine Greek, Ancient Hebrew, Aramaic, or even medieval Latin, yet you claim to know and understand the Bible better than someone who does indeed know one or more of these languages, and has translated Bible texts from them.

 

336. You're polite enough in a debate, argument, or discussion about your religion while things are going well for you, but once it gets to a point where your arguments have been shown to be bullshit, your real colors show, and you resort to slander, foul language, and ad hominem attacks against your opponent. (See thread referenced above.)

 

337. You're civil and friendly enough to someone you're trying to convert as long as they take your bait and listen to you, but when they prove resistant to your efforts, you drop the false front and treat them like the inhuman heathen scum you really think they are.

 

338. You slander, insult, and hurt people who are trying to speak with you about religion or spirituality, then think that when they stop talking to you and refuse to reveal any more of themselves, it's because they have nothing relevant to say and you've won the argument, instead of the reality that you're an abusive dick and nobody wants to give abusive dicks any fuel for their fire, so to speak.

 

339. You're really just not very connected to reality in the first place.

[Amethyst]

340. You keep saying you'll leave this site, but never do. Possibly, you secretly hope to be banned so that you can claim to be persecuted.

 

341. In a debate, you constantly bait people, trying to start flame wars.

 

342. You claim to be a Christian, but have no problem with swearing online.

 

343. You honestly think that good people still deserve to be tortured for all of eternity simply because they are not Christian, and you do not stop to think about how unjust that really would be.

 

344. You ignore the fact that the Bible says that your god is supposed to be just and merciful, and still condemns people to ETERNAL TORTURE FOR NO REASON OTHER THAN BEING DIFFERENT FROM YOU.

[neverclear5]

345 you've never counted this high in your life or imagined that numbers this high had any purpose

[white_raven23]

346. You say things like: "Well if you could read and translate the original Hebrew or Greek, all the contradictions and perceived problems in the bible would disappear", but you don't realize that there are NO original manuscripts for the bible. But deep down you think Hebrew and Greek = original, just because they are foreign languages with ancient roots.

[Amethyst]

347. Along the lines of what White Raven said, you think that something is true just because it comes from a really old source. After all, the ancients were all wise and they must be correct, right?

[NotBlinded]

348. You fail to dazzle them with brilliance, then forget what to do next.

[godlessgrrl]

349. You assume that if someone rejects the Bible, it's because they "don't understand it correctly." You, of course (or your pastor, or church, or particular sect or denomination), do understand it correctly.

 

350. You are sure that all it takes for a non- or ex-Xian to believe the Bible is to take in your correct understanding of it.

 

351. You are sure that if someone rejects your understanding of the Bible, they're just being stubborn. Or willful, or arrogant, or stupid. It couldn't ever possibly be because you and your Bible are full of it, of course.

[white_raven23]

352. Anyone claiming Elvis or George Washington talks to them all the time is a nutball, but someone claiming god talks to them is a prophet.

[MeiPassion]

353 You bash other religions simply because you're convinced your religion is the truth.

 

354 You raise your children to be judgmental half wits, instead of teaching them to learn about other people from different ethnicities and backgrounds.

 

355 You're okay with missionaries going to African nations to spread "the good news" even though some of the people there are starving to death. But instead of giving them food, you makeup a lame excuse saying that "giving them food will only help them temporaryrily, give them the word of God." Instead of GIVING THEM FOOD!

 

356 You support people who support torture!!

 

357 You say that your religion is a religion of peace, but you support the Isrealis who kill Palestinians, you're probably okay with the Iraq war, and the wars that happened in biblical times were somehow justified to you.

 

358 Porn scares you!

 

359You get involved in with groups who recovering alcholics, but you're not really trying to help them overcome their problems, you're just trying to convert them.

 

360You carry a bible with you.

 

361 You think all the problems in the world can be solved through prayer and spreading your religion.

 

362.You think Jesus was a Republican.

 

363 You raise holy hell anytime someone believes Jesus Christ was just a philosopher, because to you that would take away his divinity. Can't have Jesus Christ being a human, nope can't have that!

 

 

That was almost a rant I think.

[Taphophilia]

364. You are secretly delighted that people who disagree with you (and your god) will burn in hell for all eternity.

 

365. You look forward to judgement day so you can tell those who disagreed with you, "I told you so!"

 

366. You think the government should legislate morality.

 

367. You think freedom of religion is only for the varying denominations of Christianity similar to yours, all others, should be banned and outlawed.

 

368. You think gays are the worst form of human life in existance, but you don't know any, nor have you ever even met anyone who was gay.

 

369. You believe stupid Christian Urban Legends and view them as proof that Christianity is real.

 

370. You believe JP Holding is the best Christian apologist there is.

 

371. You think Atheism is the worst form of Satanism.

[Antlerman]

372. You're mystified how someone else can't see how logical it is that the Bible can be a witness to itself as to its own truth about itself.

[Amethyst]

373. Not only do you think Atheism is a form of Satanism, but you also think that Wicca and other Earth-based religions are, too.

 

374. You don't bother to learn about other religions. In fact, you think that learning about other religions is evil and will only lead you to temptation.

[white_raven23]

375. You continue to this day to rail and rant about Clinton's EVIL heterosexual marital indescetions to this very DAY, but you are ready and willing to forgive and feel pity for Haggard's homosexual encounters and drug use.

[Amethyst]

376. You think that pentacles and pentagrams are evil symbols, when actually they are symbols of protection.

 

377. You have no idea that the cross was actually used as a symbol in religions long before Christianity.

[MeiPassion]

378. You won't admit the fact that your religion (Christianity in particular) has been used to justify unfair treatment. (i.e. slavery).

 

379. You suffer from some kind of superiority complex.

 

380. You hear stories of how people in the Middle East are condemned and stoned for being homosexuals and therefore you criticize Islam, but in reality, you wish homosexuals could be stoned here in the US. You just won't admit it.

 

381. You stand outside of abortion clinics and yell at teenage girls who are probably just picking up their birth control are being treated for some kind of STD. But you don't care, you have this overwhelming need to stick your noise in other folk's lives and know absoluty nothing about them.

 

382. If your son or daughter finds a book that has two male piguins as parents, you'll go on a hellish rampage to ban it because of the homoerotic implications of the book.

 

383. You call yourself "child of God" and feel that it somehow makes you special, and you're really not, you just have a need to feel special.

 

384. You think capitalism is the best economic system there is, even though in some ways it condones selfishness, and thus condones greed. Despite the fact that greed is a sin.

[Guest Mike1945]

385. You think you've sinned when you moan or scream in orgasm and - God forbid - you actually enjoyed it.

 

386. You beat your kids and justify it with "spare the rod and spoil the child."

 

387. You think you win brownie points with God by spending all your time on church work while neglecting your family.

[Guest Gooneybird]

388. You end every e-mail with "God Bless," which could mean anything from "God bless" to "Later" to "Fuck You".

 

389. You attach special significance to the number 40.

 

390. You believe there is a war on Christmas.

 

391. You don't understand nor have you ever studied evolutionary theory.

 

392. You say "Praise God" when complimented.

 

393. You peen me down daily and you have 9 scronums. The choculous buttburger of your mind seeps with ceebulous beano and your boonis factor is off the charts!!!

[Amethyst]

394. Whenever someone sneezes, you say "God bless you," even if someone else has already said "Gesundheit" first.

 

395. If someone says "Gesundheit" after a sneeze, you feel the need to say "God bless you" much louder.

[Onyx]

396. You hate Fred Phelps but you wish you was him, secretly.

 

397. You love to masturbate but Jesus is looking at you.

 

398. You need to write Bible verses on everything.

 

399. You say one thing in the name of Lord but you actually like to do things in the name of your human urges.

 

400. You hate swearing but in secret, you scream "God is a shitty bucket!"

[Guest JP]

401. You've uttered the phrase, "It's not a religion, it's a relationship!" Even though you know full well it's a religion.

[Open_Minded]

402. You tell your sons and daughters that they are not allowed to play with the children across the street because those children are not TRUE Christian.

 

403. As the years go by and your sons and daughters continue to interact with other children in the neighborhood (who are not TRUE Christians) you sell your house and move your children to the country to "protect" them from the world.

[Open_Minded]

404. Someone asks you a simple question like:

 

It's a simple enough question, Joshua. Simply

go find the proof that Jesus actually existed

, actually walked this earth, actually breathed the air of this planet.

And your response is....

Well, I've just recieved confirmation that my ariline ticket has come through...

I'm leaving the country for 3 weeks

, so unfortunately I will not be able to respond until then.

 

Please forgive the delay, but I will be back with explanations and rebuttals as always.

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?s=&a...st&p=232693

 

I wonder if he left the country to "go find proof".....

[Amethyst]

I wonder if he left the country to "go find proof".....

 

Well, it would certainly be interesting if he did.

 

405. You don't let your children watch Barney because you think that dinosaurs are Satanic.

 

406. You don't let your school-age children listen to rock music on the radio for fear of corrupting them.

 

407. You drown your children in a bathtub, claiming that god told you to do it.

 

408. At Barnes and Noble or some other bookstore, you're the one who proselytizes to people and puts religious books out on the tables, hoping to win a soul or two to Jesus.