You Know You're A Fundy When ...... (fill In The Blank)

[LosingMyReligion]

409. When your children learn about dinosaurs in school you immediately pull them out and start home schooling...To you dinosaur bones were put in the ground by satan to lead you away from the truth that god created us from dirt...

 

410. You believe that goat herders from the desert, over 2,000 years ago, are better informed than scientists from the 21st century(and possibly beyond).

[R. S. Martin]

411. You insist Christianity is NOT a religion! oh horror of horrors! It's far more than a religion!

 

412. It bothers you that most people are going to burn in hell forever simply for the unfortunate event of having been born in the wrong part of the world but you shut down your heart and conscience with saying, "You know what? that's just the way it is!"

 

413. You defend God's integrity at cost of your own rather than risk being thrown into hell.

 

414. You conveniently forget that maintaining your personal integrity might be relevant to the situation. After all, Jesus died for your sins so your integrity is not all that important. Besides, all humans are very human, including Christians.

 

415. The next life is so important to you that you forget to count your blessings in this one, and thereby you miss out on the joys of the only existence you are sure of.

 

416. You applaud people who spent forty years in the mission field shoving religion down other people's throats, thereby encouraging--forcing???--them to leave the "faith of their fathers."

 

417. You think their religion is a false religion even if it is older than Christianity.

 

418. You claim absolute evidence that Christianity makes people better but when presented with the fact that many atheists and agnostics are every bit as good as Christians, you answer with a smug, "God moves in mysterious ways," as though that were a real response.

 

419. When someone asks questions about your faith that actually obliges you to think you are quick to point out that we are saved by faith and if we know all the answers it's not faith anymore; it's knowledge.

 

420. You think any time a person challenges your beliefs just to figure out whether or not these beliefs could be true that you are being persecuted for Christ's sake, even if that person is genuinely seeking answers.

 

421. It never occurs to you that taking offense at genuine questions from genuine seekers might possibly be "offending one of these who are least in the kingdom of God," when you very well know that Jesus condemned this attitude.

 

422. You get alarmed when you face no persecution because Jesus said everyone who follows him must suffer persecution and this means persecution is the stamp of God's approval.

 

423. Rather than cross-examine your life, your beliefs, and your interpretation of the biblical statement you invent a way to cause offense so you can be sure of persecution and God's approval.

 

424. Any thinking no matter how circular and convoluted is "straight" thinking and just plain common sense if it proves the Bible true.

 

425. Any thinking that sheds light on the inconsistencies of the Bible must of necessity come from the devil and must be suppressed to ward off temptation of unbelief.

 

426. You think any temptation to question your beliefs is of necessity from the devil.

[white_raven23]

427. You deeply believe that sex ed in public schools is one of the (many) downfalls of the modern world. It encourages promiscuity, and even worse, encourages WOMEN to enjoy sex! When rightfully they should enjoy only the possibility of babies! The rest of the time, their role is simply to accept MEN'S "curse" of the urges, and aid him by being a willing semen depository vessel.

 

428. You believe women should only take pleasure in doing things for other people. Women doing things to please themselves is hedonistic and encouraged by Satan.

 

429. You aspire to be a "Prairie Muffin". http://buriedtreasurebooks.com/PrairieMuffinManifesto.php

 

430. Your grace is through your husband.

 

431. You know you are a good christian wife because you are in the inner circle of the pastor's wife's friends.

[LosingMyReligion]

432. You say shit like, "Other religions are man's attempt to reach god...Christianity is God's attempt to reach man."

 

427. You deeply believe that sex ed in public schools is one of the (many) downfalls of the modern world. It encourages promiscuity, and even worse, encourages WOMEN to enjoy sex! When rightfully they should enjoy only the possibility of babies! The rest of the time, their role is simply to accept MEN'S "curse" of the urges, and aid him by being a willing semen depository vessel.

 

428. You believe women should only take pleasure in doing things for other people. Women doing things to please themselves is hedonistic and encouraged by Satan.

 

429. You aspire to be a "Prairie Muffin". http://buriedtreasurebooks.com/PrairieMuffinManifesto.php

 

430. Your grace is through your husband.

 

431. You know you are a good christian wife because you are in the inner circle of the pastor's wife's friends.

 

That just described my mother...Verbatim!

[Amethyst]

433. You get upset when you find out that a book about gay penguins is on a shelf at your child's school.

 

http://wcco.com/watercooler/watercooler_story_320123107.html

[Toxic]

444. You think you're being really funny when you say "In the garden of Eden it was Adam and Eve not Adam and Steve!"

[LosingMyReligion]

445. You really believe that all other religions are cults and your's isn't....

[Guest Mike1945]

446. You praise Mel Gibsons "The Passion Of The Christ" but you consider "The Last Temptation Of Christ" from the devil.

 

447. While most Americans would accept - or at least be tolerant of - gay marriage, you are a true homophobe.

 

447. You think you bring glory to God by piling your hair as high as you can on your head and wearing a long, long skirt. (Note: From a male point of view, I always wonder what they've got hidden in that skirt.)

 

448. You believe that the Bible is literally true (donkey's talk, seas part, God kills, Jesus healed, Jesus walked on water) and you attribute it to the mysterious workings of God and that the human mind is too finite to understand how God works or why.

 

448. Rather than search out truth for yourself, you uncritically accept everything that your church or church leaders tell you as truth.

[Open_Minded]

You might be a fundy if.....

 

449. You have an "accountability partner"

450. Your church has a banned reading list.

 

I wonder if he left the country to "go find proof".....

Well, it would certainly be interesting if he did.

Yes.... .... should we notify Jeruselum of his imminent arrival????? ....

[Piprus]

451. You hope (and pray) that when this thread finally reaches #666, that all the servers involved will crash as a "sign"

[Acolyte]

74. You turn your head when a commercial comes on tv with a cute girl in a bikini. (at least when other christians are in the room)

 

I'm sorry for not contributing, but I have to comment on that one.

 

I did it. But then I found something even better! Blocking! I would suspend part of my hand in front of my eye to block 90% of the exposed skin! This saved alot of really good James Bond movies.

[Open_Minded]

74. You turn your head when a commercial comes on tv with a cute girl in a bikini. (at least when other christians are in the room)

.... I did it. But then I found something even better! Blocking! I would suspend part of my hand in front of my eye to block 90% of the exposed skin! This saved alot of really good James Bond movies.

 

_________________

 

452. You get really wired over sexuality on T.V. and movies - but have no problem at all with the amount of violence on T.V. and in movies.

[Amethyst]

452. You get really wired over sexuality on T.V. and movies - but have no problem at all with the amount of violence on T.V. and in movies.

 

453. You also have no problem with the amount of violence, especially if it is a movie like the Passion of the Christ.

 

454. You have no problem with letting your kids read the Bible, even the violent chapters, but you won't let them read books with magic in them, or books about two loving people who just happen to be gay.

 

455. You think Dungeons and Dragons and any other role-playing game is Satanic because you think that people who play them actually are casting magic spells. Either that, or because you think dice are evil. Or both.

 

456. You have no idea what imagination is, but you are convinced that it is of the devil and won't let your children use theirs.

[Onyx]

457. Books are EVIL!!! OMFG!

 

458. I hate you but I'm humble, I love Jesus.

 

459. Fake love in name of God is your way of loving.

 

460. Throw your son out because he's atheist and GAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY.

[Bluescreen]

461. You firmly believe that UFOs are actually demons in disguise trying to make people think that there are aliens so that when the Rapture happens, everyone will assume that aliens beamed up all those people and not realize THE END IS HERE!

 

462. You think that the 9000 year old Sphinx (and other human artifacts more that 6000 years old) was built by a race that existed before Adam and interbred by demons, was directly ruled by Satan, and caused God to destroy the world and then rebuild it in the Genesis story. This is all based on one word in Hebrew which can be interpreted as "made" rather than "create ex nihilo."

 

463. You pass around Christian editorials that basically say "Yay for nuclear holocaust in the Mideast!" because it means that the Rapture's already here!

 

464. You constantly watch for the number "666" in any permutation that vaguely connects with the UN or EU.

 

465. You've thought that Juan Carlos in the past and now Javiar Solana may be the Antichrist. You've also speculated about who might be the False Prophet, and whether the evil one-world religion will be Islam or Catholicism.

 

466. You think the Catholic mass is evil because it's a magic ritual spell, but you think tongues is a divine gift.

 

467. You know what "Azusa Street" is.

 

468. You think Smith Wigglesworth was a Spirit-filled holy man who raised the dead, not a crackpot con artist.

 

469. Every year you say "The Rapture's likely to happen this year" because of XYZ "prophetically significant" events, and you start to try to figure out whether it'll happen on Pentecost, Rosh Hashana, or some other Jewish feast day.

 

470. Israel can do no wrong. Everyone else in the Mideast can do no right.

 

471. You think that voodoo, witchcraft, pagans, gays, and demons cause crime, and that New Orleans is a "demonic hotspot."

 

472. The Rapture is your retirement plan.

 

473. There is a liberal atheist conspiracy to destroy America's godly foundation.

 

474. You see demons. Literally.

 

475. You never miss an episode of Hal Lindsey, and you subscribe to his newsletter.

 

476. Cross + Elephant = TRUTH. Any other religion/political party (especially Democrats) = LIES.

 

477. You seriously contemplate a "theory" that the Flood came when vast underground water reservoirs released all their water in gigantic geysers that blasted parts of the Earth's crust into space, thus causing the beginning of plate tectonics and the current arrangement of the continents.

 

478. You also think that there was a "water canopy" that fell down out of the sky and was the rest of the water involved in the Flood.

 

479. You think they may have found Noah's Ark. (Three times in the past 25 years, that boat gets around!) (And you've believed all 3.)

 

480. You showed a bedridden, crippled, half-catatonic Jewish woman in a nursing home pictures from Gibson's "Passion" of bloody Jesus while telling her that he died for her sins. You also consult with Jews for Jesus to get more ammo to convert her.

 

481. You tell other Christians going into seminary to remember that the Bible is "the only book that matters" lest they go astray.

 

482. You think 2 people of the opposite sex who are not married to each other should never be alone in the same room together because they might be tempted to go at it like animals in heat, right then and there.

 

483. You think you know the Torah/Tanakh better than the Jews.

 

484. You spend more time violently arguing about Calvinism vs. Armenianism than helping people, and you're still convinced that your religion is pure love.

 

485. You can actually defend Calvinism and double predestination with a straight face and call it just.

 

486. You either think women are subordinate to men, or that "their roles are just different, but they're still equal." You don't get it when people think that's sexist.

 

487. You actually debate online whether women should wear headcoverings in church, and that thread grows to over 6 pages long.

 

488. You also argue against women priests in a thread that balloons to over 20 pages long.

 

489. Europe is haunted by a "spirit of depression" because they're so nonreligious.

 

490. You call yourself a monarchist, not a democrat, because "Jesus is your king."

 

491. You think logical fallacies are fine debating tools. Critical thinking does not exist in your world.

 

492. God appoints all rulers and thus everyone must submit to them. Except when they're Democrats.

 

493. You think Anne Frank should've obeyed Romans 13 and submitted herself to the Nazi government by turning herself in.

 

494. You actually post #493 in a public forum.

 

Holy shit, I had more of those in me than I thought! Less than 200 to go!

[Onyx]

495. You think blacks are still slaves

 

496. You think your toddler who just had a sore stomach is possessed by the Devil.

 

497. You cast demons out of him.

 

498. He dies in the name of the Lord.

 

499. You tell the court, the Lord asked you to do that.

 

500. You scream "The world is out to get the Elect!" when you're dragged to prison.

[Open_Minded]

Just 166 to go

 

You might be a fundy if....

 

501. You have actually sat in a Bible Study and informed a mother that if she had accepted Jesus Christ as her Lord and Savior earlier her 12 year-old daughter wouldn't have terminal cancer.

 

502. As a pastor in that same Bible Study - you affirmed that said mother was responsible for her daughter's cancer because she hadn't repented sooner.

[MeiPassion]

503. You teach your daughter to believe that she should ramian a virgin until she is married, therefore belonging to her husband.

[Megara]

504: You send god-related chainmail to everyone in your address book.

 

505: You tell everyone that Darwin recanted on his deathbed.

 

506: You're convinced that the person that helped you the other day, and "suddenly disappeared" when you turned around was a literal angel.

 

507: You make a point to say "God bless you" every time someone sneezes -- with an emphasis on "God".

 

508: You refuse to help pay for your child's college education if they decide not to go to a Bible college.

 

509: You think any atheist friends you have are just "angry at God."

 

510: You believe all your atheist friends are fools, but would never bring up the verse to a potential convert.

 

511: You think your dog paying attention to you is a sign of god's love.

 

512: If you're a woman, you strive to be virtuous as described in Proverbs 31... If you're a man, your pastor told you and your fellow male friends to search for your "P31."

 

513: Your children aren't allowed to watch shows such as Rug Rats because Angelica is "evil", The Little Mermaid because the sea witch is "evil," or Wizard of Oz because the flying monkeys and witches are "evil".

 

514: You were convinced that June 6, 2006 was Jesus' Second Coming™.

 

515: You make a point to pray at your atheist child's birthday dinner -- that is unless he or she doesn't even have a birthday dinner anymore because you kicked him or her out already.

[Open_Minded]

516. You serve as medical director for an organization whose contraception policy includes the following:

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-dyn/conte...6111601929.html

A Woman's Concern is persuaded that the crass commercialization and distribution of birth control is demeaning to women, degrading of human sexuality and adverse to human health and happiness...

 

517. Bush rewards you for your efforts at limiting the use of birth control by appointing you as chief of family-planning programs at the Department of Health and Human Services.

 

[Mythra]

518. You use christmas as an excuse to send cards every year that are nothing but a thinly veiled attempt to smear your religion in everyone's face.

 

519. And pray ahead of time that God will use them for his glory.

[Piprus]

520. You never wonder why angels have wings, when they're spirit beings that wouldn't require them for flight to start with.

 

521. You believe christians are being "persecuted" when a judge rules that posting scriptures and christian symbols in government buildings violates seperation of church and state.

 

522. You believe there would be less juvenile crime if forced prayer was re-introduced to public schools.

 

523. You yell "liar!" when informed that Abraham Lincoln was an agnostic.

 

524. You recoil in horror when informed that one of your favorite childhood stories, "The Adventures of Tom Sawyer" was written by an agnostic...Mark Twain...and immediately launch a petition drive to remove Twain's works from public school libraries.

 

525. You completely break down when learning that another of your favorite childhood books "Treasure Island" was written by an atheist...Robert Louis Stevenson.

[Mythra]

526. You feel overwhelmingly sad when you hear someone say "JESUS CHRIST!" as a swear word.

[Amethyst]

527. You think "crap", "fricking," and "darn" are swear words.

 

528. You think Nicaragua's new extreme anti-abortion policy is a sign and that all countries should do the same, even though it would ban abortions even when a woman's life is in danger.

[Golden Meadows]

529. You think Richard Dawkins is entirely objective in his writings.

530. You wonder at the fundamentalism and credulity of other people.