You Know You're A Fundy When ...... (fill In The Blank)

[godlessgrrl]

531. Your family is Quiverfull.

 

532. You are against abortion and birth control on the grounds that God should be in charge of conception, not (wo)man. (You also fail to realize that a truly omnipotent deity could bypass any form of birth control if he really wanted a particular conception to happen.)

 

533. You think that having a massive litter of kids is far less selfish and far more responsible than remaining childless.

 

534. You pity couples without children, on the assumption that they desperately want kids (just like you do) but are somehow unable to have any.

 

535. You assume that childless couples must not have conceived because they have somehow offended God, or not had enough faith, or not prayed enough, or some other spiritual failing in their lives.

 

536. When you come across a voluntarily childless couple, you are totally shocked. You can't imagine that anyone on the planet could possibly not want to have children, since children are a wonderful blessing from the Lord.

 

537. You think that voluntarily childless couples are sinful, selfish, irresponsible, hedonists bent on living a life of indulgent godlessness.

 

538. You think that voluntarily childless couples are flouting God's plans for them, which are obviously to pump out as many brats as you have.

 

539. You're secretly envious of childless couples because you're tired of being saddled with kid after kid after kid after kid, but you'd never admit it.

 

540. You think that sending your child to daycare is a sin against God, since you think that God's plan is for children to remain at home to be raised by their mothers so she can teach them the godly way to live.

 

541. You think that a child needs two parents, one of each sex, in order to be raised properly. You think that any other family arrangement is unhealthy and damaging to a child, despite the fact that most families around the world and for all of human history haven't done it that way.

 

542. Most of all, you think that it isn't at all possible for a child to be raised properly by gay parents. You think that a child raised by gay parents will grow up stunted and damaged.

 

543. You think gay parents = bad parents, automatically. It isn't possible in your mind for a gay parent to be a good parent - you think their gayness is an automatic and dreadful liability.

 

544. You think that gay parents will raise their children to be gay, as if it's something you can teach someone instead of something just innate to a given individual. You fail to notice that the majority of kids raised by gay parents turn out to be straight, and only notice the ones that turn out to be gay too.

 

545. You think that when the child of a gay parent has trouble in school or life, it's because their parent is gay, not because they get a whole lot of shit from other kids, teachers, and assorted fundy assholes like yourself for having gay parents.

 

546. You think the way to prevent persecution of gay people is for people not to be gay in the first place.

 

547. You think that the way to prevent persecution of any "undesirable" demographic group is for said people not to be that way in the first place, or to conform to the godly behavior standards that your deity sets up for everybody.

[Megara]

I love gwenmead for posting #s 531 - 547.

 

548: When asked what book you just checked out at the library, you respond "It's about science", when it's really about your religion.

[Open_Minded]

533. You think that having a massive litter of kids is far less selfish and far more responsible than remaining childless.

 

You might be a fundy if - ----

 

549. Your doctor tells you that having more children will kill you - and your response is:

• Immediately go talk to your priest/pastor.
  
• When your priest or pastor tells you to trust God - you don't question the advice (even though the advice is coming from a male who has never had to endure pregnancy and childbirth.)
  
• Go home and practice "natural birth control" with your husband.
  
• Cry when you become pregnant.
  
• Go ahead with the pregnancy - (even though you are risking your own life and taking the chance that your current brood of children will grow up without a mother.)
  
• Then - at 7 1/2 months of pregnancy - after suffering massive heart-failure and giving birth to a baby prematurely - you praise the LAWD because you survived. And cry - because during the C-Section the doctors had to move so quickly to save the baby and you - that you ended up with a hysterectomy and will no longer be able to have children.
  

550. And even after all of the above - you are still against birth-control and teach your children that they should not use birth-control.

 

 

 

Or - you might be a male fundy if....

 

551. As a husband (even though you are risking the loss of your wife and mother of your children) - you encourage and support your wife - in the above situation.

[smellincoffee]

552. You think cosmology is about make-up.

553. You think "What came first, the chicken or the egg" proves Christianity because God made the chickens first.

554. You tell someone you can't give them a ride home because you'd be late for church if you took the time to help them.

555. You think Walt Disney is of the Devil.

556. You have to think about whether eating Deviled Eggs, or devil's food cake.

557. You get hostile when someome mentions "gay' , even when using it to mean light-hearted.

558. You automatically get hostile when someone says "homo"-anything. Even homogenous makes you wonder.

559. You try to pronnounce homogenous the same way you pronnounce homosexual.

560. You write negative reviews about "The God Delusion" without ever reading the book.

561. Anything remotely connected with the "The Da Vinci Code" is ee-vil.

562. You have no idea where the science/nature section of the bookstore is.

563. You're on the defensive every moment of your waking life, because EVERYTHING is out to destroy your faith in God.

564. You flinch when someone swears.

565. You don't flinch when you say "I swear to God", which you do quite often.

566. Just seeing the word "atheist" makes you want to plead the blood.

 

 

100 more to go!

[MeiPassion]

567. Nudity scares you, even if it's art.

 

568. You think Disney cartoons are satanic.

 

569. You try to convince people that your God is mercifal, and yet the Old Testament says otherwise.

 

570. You think you have to "protect" your children from nudity. Because to you, the human body is something to be ashamed of.

 

571. If you're woman, you probably want to join Concerned Women for America.

 

572. You hate feminism because you think it encourages women to become lesbians. And you probably don't believe women should vote or become active in politics of any kind. Even when politicians make decisions that directly affect women's lives.

[Antlerman]

573. You think fundamentalists of other religions are nutjobs, yet you're happy to overlook the glaring similarities that you are exactly the same as them because your fanaticism is based on the "real truth".

[MeiPassion]

574. You think there's a homosexual agenda. I mean, seriously, you think a group of homosexuals got together and "okay here's what were gonna do." Thus, thinking they're attacking your family. But in reality, you're just paranoid for no reason.

[smellincoffee]

You Think:

 

575. Somewhere, someplace, there is a wood-paneled, smoke-filled room -- the headquarters of the Evil Atheist Conspiracy.

576. It's probably the United Nations.

577. And if being the HQ for the Evil Atheist Conspiracy wasn't enough, the United Nations is also the Antichrist's organization.

578. 9/11 was punishment for allowing the headquarters of the United Nations to be in the Land of the Free, Home of the Brave.

[truth]

579.. When you don't allow your children to be sheep in the nativity christmas paganet because of some verse that said not to be like sheep going to the slaughter.

 

580... You finally agree to not have any more children but instead of birth control or a vacectomy you make your wife have major surgery...because birth control is equal to abortion and if it is God's will that wife should die, the husband must be able to carry on God's plan and will for his life by procrating more children to make his quiver even more full and life more blessed.

 

581.. You are upset when single woman get pregnant and want them to confess their sins ifront of the church and shun them if they won't

 

582.. You believe that God had a better plan for that woman and child but she took her fate into her own hands and now a innocent child has to suffer.

 

583.. Women were not meant to live alone, otherwise God never would have made Eve to be her helpmate.

 

584.. Women should be silent in church, and then go home and ask their husband to explain their confusion to them.

 

585.. It is a blessing to submit to your husband... I wouldn't want to have to make decesions on my own.

 

586... Your church uses grape juice instead of wine

 

587..You think your liberal christian friends who date unbelievers are going to hell because they are yoked with unbelievers

 

588.. You tell them to go find a good christian man..and then pray for their soul

 

589.. You feel guilty for listening to secular music

 

590.. You leave your church because they are getting to liberal

 

591.. Your church has to have two services because you cannot agree on the praise music

 

592.. You really believe there is power by saying... the blood of jesus...the blood of jesus

 

593.. You believe that IVF and fertility/reproductive treatments are wrong because they are playing God and if you were meant to have a baby God would get you pregnant

 

594... If your husband had an affair, it was you the wifes fault for not being pretty enough and keeping her husband interessted...as well as the evil temptress who led him astray

 

595.. You keep asking people to come to church who have told you they do not believe

 

596..You tell those who have backslidden not to sin too much because it will be harder to come back, you then believe that the hound of heaven will get them back and they will be convicted in the errors of their ways and come back to the flock.

 

..I think I will leave it at there

[Megara]

Welcome to the forums, Truth!

[Toxic]

598. You're convinced Heavy Metal records when played backwards contain messages that make people worship the devil.

 

599. When inviting neighbours or work colleagues to your Church's youth group/barn dance/social evening you deny you're trying to convert them.

[Toxic]

600. You're convinced that "Who Moved The Stone" by Frank Morison is a watertight argument for Christ's resurrection.

[Guest JP]

601. You quote Old Testament prophecies to prove the truth of Christ's divinity, not realizing that using the Bible to prove the Bible is circular logic.

 

602. You use Pascal's Wager to try to get people to believe, even though it doesn't really work. Ever.

[Rafiki]

603. You disrespect God, if there happens to be one, by saying he wrote the Bible.

 

604. You go on tubing trips and one of the rules is "Girls: One Piece Swimsuits ONLY!"

 

605. You stand outside of my anthropology building and tell me and everyone walking by that we're going to hell because fraternities and sororities are the devil, but I'm not even in a fraternity.

[Open_Minded]

606. Your children are so afraid of not being allowed to have a blood transfusion if they get hurt that they ask their friends to walk closest to the traffic when walking a route to school that has no sidewalks. (And yes - this really does happen. My eldest daughter walked to school with a JW child for years. And my daughter ALWAYS walked on the outside - nearest to the traffic - because her JW friend was afraid that if she got hit by a car her parents wouldn't let her have a blood transfussion.)

 

Only 60 more to go.....

 

I wonder what's going to happen when we hit 666??????

451. You hope (and pray) that when this thread finally reaches #666, that all the servers involved will crash as a "sign"

 

http://www.ex-christian.net/index.php?s=&a...st&p=232988

[Antlerman]

607. You think all the other fundamentalist churches are decieved and will end up in hell because they say "I baptize you in the name of the Father, Son and Holy Ghost," at your baptism rather than "in Jesus name", like it clearly says to do in the Bible.

[Legion]

608: You refer to the bible as "The Word."

 

609: You think that crosses are preferable to crucifixes because "He is Risen!"

 

610: At family gatherings people instinctively call on you to pray before a meal because they suspect you may feel slighted if you were not asked to pray.

 

611: Other people feel anxiety in your presence and you interpret it as a sign of respect.

[Toxic]

612. You refer to the Bible as "scripture". (sorry that's a bit similar to 608)

 

613. Last time Billy Graham did a crusade in the UK You had a placard on your car advertising it.

[Guest JP]

614. You've uttered the phrase "I'm not perfect. Just forgiven!"

[godlessgrrl]

615. You think that a person's utter revulsion at the cruelties and atrocities in the Bible is really the Holy Spirit "convicting" the person of the Bible's truth.

[Amethyst]

616. You actually think that being judgmental is a good thing, and that Matthew 7:1 does not apply to you. After all, shouldn't you be warning people that they are going to be tortured forever?

 

(Ooh...isn't 616 supposed to be the new 666? I could have sworn I've read that somewhere.)

 

617. Your favorite hobby is looking at people and coming up with reasons they are going to burn in hell forever, even if they go to your church.

 

618. Your other favorite hobby is getting together with the fundies at your church, having coffee, and judging people.

 

619. You look at sites like this one: http://www.landoverbaptist.org/ and believe everything you read, not realizing that it's satire.

 

620. If there was an annual prize for the most judgmental Christian, you would win it every year.

[Guest JP]

621. You participated in the play "Heaven's Gates and Hell's Flames" at your church.

 

622. You refused to play the devil in said play.

 

623. You actually do hate your family and yourself in comparison to your love for Jesus.

[smellincoffee]

624. You make something out of someone being chosen to play Judas in the church Christmas play.

 

625. You say 'Who are we humans to pick and choose which books of the Bible to believe as truth", all the while ignorant of the fact that that's what the KJV is: a product of picking and choosing by mere humans.

 

626. You try to hide books that speak against religion in the library.

[Guest JP]

627. You hand out Chick tracts at Halloween instead of candy.

 

628. You leave flyers on how to be saved on windshields.

 

629. You use the phrase "God willing" after every sentence.

 

630. You actually thought that scientists punched through the ground into hell.

 

631. You don't let your kids watch Bert & Ernie because it depicts two male characters in a 'relationship.'

 

632. You believe that Jesus was a republican. There's no way he could have been a 'demoncat.'

 

633. You are Kirk Cameron's greatest fan.

 

634. You can't wait for the Rapture to come so you can help smite all us evil unbelievers.

 

635. You don't care about the enviornment because the Second Coming is upon us!

 

636. You voted for George Bush because God told you too.

 

637. You witness to people in odd places, i.e. public bathrooms.

 

638. You think that Mormons aren't Christians, Jehovah's Witnesses aren't Christians, Presbyterians aren't Christians, Catholics aren't Christians, etc. Only your particular brand of Christianity is The Truth.

 

639. You did a book report in school on the Bible. (One of my classmates my junior year actually did this.)

 

640. You listen to nothing but the soundtrack to Jesus Christ Superstar.

 

641. You believe that if you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out.

 

642. You enrolled your gay son or daughter in Love in Action.

 

643. You campaigned to have the "Evolution is only a theory" sticker put on textbooks.

 

644. You thank God before eat your fast food.

 

645. You don't believe that women should wear pants.

 

646. You don't believe that women should be the head of anything. It was Eve who ate the apple, remember?

 

647. You pray to God to help you decide whether you want paper or plastic.

 

648. You believe that any spiritual event in someone's life automatically makes the Bible true.

 

649. You believe that God sent the tsunami to "kill all the bad people there."

 

650. You say "Oh, that's the Old Testament!" when confronted with OT atrocities.

 

651. You've tried to "refresh your bowels in the Lord."

 

652. You think that Secular Humanists eat babies!

 

653. You try to take up serpents according to Mark 16.

 

654. You are severely bitten by the serpents that you tried to take up.

 

655. The idea of a Gay Christian bothers you. A LOT.

 

656. You ask why homosexuals choose to be gay.

 

657. The back of your car is covered with Christian bumper stickers and Jesus fish symbols.

 

658. You believe that David Blaine (or any other magician) is satanic.

 

659. You let your wisdom teeth fuck up your mouth because Jesus is coming soon!

 

660. Even though Jesus was Jewish, Jewish people really bother you because they're going to hell according to the Bible.

 

661. You find a Seventeen magazine under your daughter's bed, freak out, and replace it with a copy of The Watchtower.

 

662. You aspire to be like Ned Flanders in your faith.

 

663. You think that an earthquake in Japan is a sign of the coming Rapture.

 

664. You regularly berate pregnant women walking into abortion clinics.

 

665. You're a member of Tribulation Forces or Rapture Ready. Or both.

 

And the 666th possible indicator you might be a fundy...

 

666. Your posts continually end up on the "Fundies Say the Darndest Things" website!

[AKR]

283. You buy your clothing at: Modest Homeschooling Christian Clothing sewn

http://www.modestapparelchristianclothingl...stomsewing.com/

 

lol, ahahahaa. you just know all of those people are molesting each other.

 

 

 

329a. You think said phrase means you should beat your children, when you really have no fucking clue that a shepherd's rod isn't used to beat sheep, just sort of move them where they need to go.

 

 

haha, i love this one.