Caretaker Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 My gawd I'm in heaven. TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest JP1283 Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 TRAITOR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Oh Khan, you know I'd never live in heaven if you weren't gonna be there right along with me! Nope, we'll be fryin' in hades for eternity. You bring some cards, I'll bring some beer and pretzels. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 A MAN'S ANSWERS TO EVERY QUESTION A WOMAN EVER ASKS 1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS? It's a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMS thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it's not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behavior. We're just misunderstood. 2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN? Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I'm fairly certain it's some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take one quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can. 3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC? We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It's much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus. 4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS? We like to. It's actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words. 5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE? You'd learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner. 6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS? Well, we don't actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It's the old fashioned pride in a job well done that's missing in so much of the world nowadays. 7. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS? Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men and women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we're experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel. 8. WHY CAN'T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)? Please... How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men... Men hunters... Need go roam... Starve in cave... Must go find wildebeest... Now sitting on our asses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story. 9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ASSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING? Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time thereby passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability. 10. WHY CAN'T MEN JUST SAY "I LOVE YOU?" Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It's not easy to admit to one's own character faults. 11. WHY DO MEN SAY "I LOVE YOU" WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME? Ho, Ho, Ho... Aren't you special? Well, some men think it's a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well. 12. WHY DOESN'T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME? We just simply don't have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things. 13. WHY WON'T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES? Why should we? It doesn't really bother us that much. Besides, we know darn well you'll pick it up. 14. WHAT'S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING? This usually only occurs after months of courting. It's our way to let you know that we're comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it's actually a sign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps. 15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING? It's an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err... buying? PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ouroboros Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 I love ice cream. Right now I'm eating Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Caramel Fudge. My gawd I'm in heaven. NOOOOO! CAN YOU EMAIL SOME OF THAT??? Now my ice cream cravings got really bad! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 17, 2005 Share Posted June 17, 2005 I love ice cream. Right now I'm eating Ben & Jerry's Vanilla Caramel Fudge. My gawd I'm in heaven. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> NOOOOO! CAN YOU EMAIL SOME OF THAT??? Now my ice cream cravings got really bad! <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Now I'm craving Ben or Jerry! PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 List time! PR Because I'm a guy... Because I'm a guy, I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I'll miss a whole show looking for it, though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator. Because I'm a guy, when I lock my keys in the car I will fiddle with a wire clothes hanger and ignore your suggestions that we call a road service until long after hypothermia has set in. Oh, and when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another guy shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start." We will then drink beer. Because I'm a guy, when I catch a cold I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't an issue. Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Because I'm a guy, when one of our appliances stops working I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together. Because I'm a guy, I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger--how the heck could HE know where we're going? Because I'm a guy, there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about. The answer is always either sex or football, though I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't. Because I'm a guy, I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come visit us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for mother's day is ok, I don't need to see it. Did you remember to pick up something for my mom, too? Because I'm a guy, I am capable of announcing, "one more beer and I really have to go," and mean it every single time I say it, even when it gets to the point that the one bar closes and my buddies and I have to go hunt down another. I will find it increasingly hilarious to have my pals call you to tell you I'll be home soon, and no, I don't understand why you threw all my clothes into the front yard. What's the connection? Because I'm a guy, you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie. Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't. Because I'm a guy, yes, I have to turn up the radio when Bruce Springsteen or The Doors comes on, and then, yes, I have to tell you every single time about how Bruce had his picture on the cover of Time and Newsweek the same day, or how Jim Morrison is buried in Paris and everyone visits his grave. Please do not behave as if you do not find this fascinating. Because I'm a guy, I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt or without it looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now? Because I'm a guy and this is, after all, the 21st century, I will share equally in the housework. You do the laundry, the cooking, the cleaning, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 List time! PR Because I'm a guy, I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk, or bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "Cumin" or "Tofu." For all I know these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism. Another good post PR. What is it with groceries? My partner always comments on how much I spend at the grocery store. (He goes shopping about one out of every ten times.) It’s not like we don’t eat it. We both hate the chore, but as in all relationships you eventually settle in on who does what. I got stuck grocery shopping. I hate it so much that when I do go I like to buy enough to last for two weeks. I will even put milk in freezer. When he goes shopping he comes back telling me how much less he spends than I do. He’ll make a big deal about saving ten cents by buying a ten-pound bag of sugar over two five-pound bags. (Ten pounds won’t fit in the container, and the leftover amount attracts bugs) I could spend less too, If I bought enough to last two days! . Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Another good post PR. What is it with groceries?... BTW, don’t you have a job? You seem to post at all times of the day. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> LOL IBF! First off, This particular item does not apply to me. I have a huge phobia of not having food in the house. For the two of us, (the kids are all on their own now ) we have a side-by-side, a regular fridge, chest freezer and a bar fridge. Plus a pantry and many cupboards full of food. We still shop twice a week for fresh foods and go to costco each weekend. I do make care packages for the kids also with our purchases. Secondly, No I don't have a job. I'm a stay at home wife, who spends his time keeping the house and volunteering for three charities. I worked part-time when the kids were home and took care of all my 'motherly' duties. So now I am able to send hubby off to the salt mines each day and lounge in my robe on the laptop. PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Valgeir Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I got bored of reading the thread backwards, so I'm posting. Not really about anything. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I got bored of reading the thread backwards, so I'm posting. Not really about anything. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Nothing is something when you type it out PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
I Broke Free Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 No I don't have a job. I'm a stay at home wife, who spends his time keeping the house and volunteering for three charities. I worked part-time when the kids were home and took care of all my 'motherly' duties. So now I am able to send hubby off to the salt mines each day and lounge in my robe on the laptop. PR Oops! While I was making coffee (with our two week supply) I thought to myself that it was really none of my business why you never seem to be doing anything constructive with your life but mindlessly chit-chatting with me all day; so I went back and deleted the question. But since you saw and answered the question before I could do that, I do thank you for the reply. I am afraid my time away from work is only temporary. I left work in January of 2003 and I hope to be gainfully employed again next January. A small inheritance allowed me to finish my degree free of having to work at the same time. I have a two week break before I begin classes again on July 5th, but even then it allows me a great deal of free time. (I only take online classes) I am actually looking forward to being herded back into a veal-pen (cubicle) again. It seems the more time I have on my hands, the less I get done. Kudos to you and your volunteer work!! IBF Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I'm a stay at home wife, who spends his time keeping the house... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Er... Now I've got a very strange picture of you floating around my head... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Oops!... But since you saw and answered the question before I could do that, I do thank you for the reply. ... It seems the more time I have on my hands, the less I get done. Kudos to you and your volunteer work!! IBF <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hey IBF, I didn't even think "why the hell do you want to know what I do?!?" until you replied to my reply Getting less done with more time to do things is a challenge for the first 2 years of being a shit-bum. I still have days that nothing gets done, but mostly I work more now than I ever did in the workforce. Volunteering is something that I have done for going on 18 or so years now and I am still enlightened and enriched by the experience. I love doing it, even the hard parts. Er... Now I've got a very strange picture of you floating around my head... <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Crazy-T I'd appreciate if you would keep my robe closed in your strange and somewhat twisted mind. PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Crazy-T I'd appreciate if you would keep my robe closed in your strange and somewhat twisted mind. PR <{POST_SNAPBACK}> 'Ere... I don't have a strange and somewhat twisted mind. I have a very strange and totally twisted mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 'Ere... I don't have a strange and somewhat twisted mind.I have a very strange and totally twisted mind. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I guess some babies are dropped on their heads and others are Dribbled PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I guess some babies are dropped on their heads and others are Dribbled PR <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Hey... I was an ok baby... It was only when the pubes sprouted that I turned into a weirdo. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Hey... I was an ok baby...It was only when the pubes sprouted that I turned into a weirdo. <{POST_SNAPBACK}> There are just some things I could live without knowing Crazy-Tiger but thanks for sharing PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 There are just some things I could live without knowing Crazy-Tiger but thanks for sharing PR <{POST_SNAPBACK}> Aw... come off it. You're a stay-at-home wife who's a he. Surely nothing would have that effect on you... Alright... I'm sorry I said I was an ok baby... How was I supposed to know you couldn't cope with knowing that? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 Aw... come off it. You're a stay-at-home wife who's a he. Surely nothing would have that effect on you... Alright... I'm sorry I said I was an ok baby... How was I supposed to know you couldn't cope with knowing that? <{POST_SNAPBACK}> I knew that your true identity as a demon spawn showed when you were a baby. It's not that I can't cope with the info as much as the awful mental pictures it creates. The one thing that does have an effect on me is a recurring dream of being chased by giant vaginas holding bibles. PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
crazy-tiger Posted June 21, 2005 Share Posted June 21, 2005 I knew that your true identity as a demon spawn showed when you were a baby. AAAAHHHHH!!!! I've been exposed... It's not that I can't cope with the info as much as the awful mental pictures it creates.Bet you've just had another one turn up... The one thing that does have an effect on me is a recurring dream of being chased by giant vaginas holding bibles. PR <{POST_SNAPBACK}> They're called Fundies... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted June 22, 2005 Share Posted June 22, 2005 Jesus & Moses come back to earth for vacation. They each want to recreate a favorite miracle. Moses: Your the son of god which miracle dow you want to do? Jesus: Walk on water again. That was cool. So they go to the red sea and Jesus steps onto the waters surface and walks out about 50 yards, and promptly sinks. Moses parts the waters and carries Jesus back to shore. Moses: What happened lord? Jesus: The first time I did this I didn't have holes in my feet! PR Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Caretaker Posted July 4, 2005 Share Posted July 4, 2005 ضىحبط حزازضاطع Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Purple Rhino Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Raised from the dead The UnHijackable Thread! PR rolled the stone away. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
highvoltage Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 ضىحبط حزازضاطع What's this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trashy Posted August 8, 2005 Share Posted August 8, 2005 Jesus: The first time I did this I didn't have holes in my feet! PR oh my dog - I almost laughed at a caller..... crap - now I forgot what I was gonna post.......damn........... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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