I Repent

[RankStranger]

I consider myself an atheist. And my position as to the existence of god(s) is "I seriously doubt it". The Celestial Teapot is a good analogy.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I consider myself an atheist. And my position as to the existence of god(s) is "I seriously doubt it". The Celestial Teapot is a good analogy.

 

I meant that more in regards to the question of not knowing how life could come about by itself.

[RankStranger]

Well the only honest answer I can give is "I don't know". But I seriously doubt that a magic-man in the sky had anything to do with it. And I reckon that various theories we have based on math and science are about the best answers we have to the question. But I don't believe in the Big Bang or the like in any absolute sense.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Well the only honest answer I can give is "I don't know". But I seriously doubt that a magic-man in the sky had anything to do with it. And I reckon that various theories we have based on math and science are about the best answers we have to the question. But I don't believe in the Big Bang or the like in any absolute sense.

 

Math and science only answer what happened after things like matter existed. Before that, it has to be something else. A magic man in the sky is the only answer I can find that makes any sense.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I've already revealed too much and made myself look like a fool to everyone on this website, so what the hell, why don't I go further with it and let more out.

 

My relationship with one person in my family is fragile. I don't see that ever changing. The fault is mine. I always wear a mask. And I feel like shit for doing it. They've shown me much compassion, and for some reason I end up acting like a fake, non-emotional jerk. If I come out about being a non-Christian, it will fuck things up worse, and make them very depressed. If I don't come out about it, it will make me depressed and unable to speak my own mind, and it will make me live a lie. What I do right now is keep my mouth shut and avoid religious conversation. That doesn't always work, and I definitely can't do that forever. Every now and then I'll get asked "Did you ever get your salvation settled?" (I used to doubt my salvation constantly) and I just go blank.... I'm so far beyond that it's not even funny.... I don't even know how to respond to that question. What I want to say is "I don't even believe in salvation anymore." but I won't do that, not yet, because me going against it will not go over well, it will only produce arguments, debates, and it will fuck things up worse. I know this, because one time I was going somewhere with my family and something came up, and I started to reveal a small extent of my position with Christianity, and it resulted in a bad argument. It pissed them off, pissed me off, and ruined the whole trip.

 

I am physically weak and run down. My body tremors when I move. Physical activity makes it worse. Exercise makes me feel like shit. I want to be in better shape. I'm addicted to shit food and soda. I lack the ambition and willpower to change anything I do. My vision is coated with static, and other debris. It's so bad at night that I can't see well. My ears ring 24/7. My nervous system appears to be fucked up. I sometimes deal with lightheadedness and dizziness. It used to be so bad that I couldn't do anything physical. My sex drive is fucked up. Bad. Not much I can say about that, because it's probably too explicit for this forum. I've had every test I can think of done over the last couple of years. According to them, I'm fine.

 

I think I'm addicted to music. It's become my crutch, it's one of the only things in life that inspires me. If it wasn't for music, I might not want to go on. But is this healthy? Has it become my god? What if I couldn't listen to it anymore? Should I give it up?

 

My OCD-like symptoms have manifested in other ways. I have to wash my hands before touching anything that I own, for fear of getting my stuff contaminated with germs. But at the same time, I'm not germaphobic. I don't give a damn if my hands are dirty or not, even if I'm eating something. But when it comes to touching something of mine, I'm obsessed with having my hands 100% clean. My mind is all or nothing, with every fucking thing. There is no in between point, not with anything. To an unhealthy level.

 

I'm selfish. A selfish piece of shit. It's obvious from my writings that I'm obsessed with finding my own happiness, and doing whatever it takes to make myself feel good.

 

I have no ambition. No interests. No goals. No future.

 

I'm double minded, wear masks, and don't know who I really am. At times, I'm the always serious, deep thinking guy. At other times, I'm the relaxed, easy going guy who is always cracking jokes and trying to make people laugh. I don't know who I really am.

 

I'm either too nice or too much of a jerk. There is no in between point. I either bite my tongue and worry about not offending someone, or let loose and let no one's feelings be spared.

 

I'm a pathetic piece of shit. I need help.

[Phanta]

Beating yourself up isn't going to help any. You aren't selfish; you're a persona having a hard time. A shitty, scary, awful hard time, surrounded by people with all sorts of triggering ideas, a limited range of experiences and resources, and very little competent support in any way that is actually useful to you. No wonder you're a basket case! It makes sense that your resources, such as they are, are focused inward on this problem. And it's plain hard to have ambitions and goals and interests in a situation that is so heavy and distressing. Your instinct to seek support circles outside of that town and to seek professional help are healthy incliniations. Keep at it!

 

You mentioned don't want your parents to find out you're in therapy. Are they afraid of what you might say to a counselor about them?

 

Phanta

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Beating yourself up isn't going to help any. You aren't selfish; you're a persona having a hard time. A shitty, scary, awful hard time, surrounded by people with all sorts of triggering ideas, a limited range of experiences and resources, and very little competent support in any way that is actually useful to you. No wonder you're a basket case! It makes sense that your resources, such as they are, are focused inward on this problem. And it's plain hard to have ambitions and goals and interests in a situation that is so heavy and distressing. Your instinct to seek support circles outside of that town and to seek professional help are healthy incliniations. Keep at it!

 

You mentioned don't want your parents to find out you're in therapy. Are they afraid of what you might say to a counselor about them?

 

Phanta

 

The main reason I don't want my parents knowing about my therapy is because I believe they would attribute my deconversion to it. That, and they don't know the extent of how fucked up I am in the head, so if I said anything about it, they would probably want details, and I really don't want to have to explain myself.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I keep getting thoughts about shooting myself in the head. I don't want to do it, yet at the same time I do.... I want to get help, but at the same time I don't..... I want to change, but at the same time I want to stay put..... I want to stop saying these things, but at the same time I don't.... I'm too far gone....

[ilovemybrain]

Don't think anymore about it. Just call 911. I'm completely serious. You don't need to analyze whether you need help, or why, just call. NOW

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Don't think anymore about it. Just call 911. I'm completely serious. You don't need to analyze whether you need help, or why, just call. NOW

 

911? Don't you think that's a bit extreme? My parents would be pissed if I called 911 without them knowing about it. They have no idea the extent of my problem, and might not believe me if I told them. I don't want them to know. I want to do this alone.

[Phanta]

The national suicide hotline is free and confidential. 1-800-273-8255

 

Phanta

[Overcame Faith]

The national suicide hotline is free and confidential. 1-800-273-8255

 

Phanta

 

If you don't want to call 911, then call the number that Phanta gave you. It can't hurt you to speak with them about your thoughts of shooting yourself. Shooting yourself to death is irreversible. But your thoughts of suicide can be controlled and eventually eliminated. You have real reason for hope as long as you are alive.

[ilovemybrain]

911 is not extreme if someone is about to die for lack of help.

[renoliz]

I keep getting thoughts about shooting myself in the head. I don't want to do it, yet at the same time I do.... I want to get help, but at the same time I don't..... I want to change, but at the same time I want to stay put..... I want to stop saying these things, but at the same time I don't.... I'm too far gone....

 

Consider calling the number for the national suicide hotline. I must tell you that most people who have suicical thoughts really just want their lives and circumstances to change. You must consider reaching out to a therapist that can assist you with what appears to be genuine OCD symptoms. It is okay to find the help that you need.

 

You are not too far gone. Really, you are not the only person to have ever felt this way and made it through to the other side of depression, OCD, whatever it is. I used to feel that I didn't want to go on but I have not felt that way in years. Thousands of other people have had feelings similar to yours and are now doing alright. You really need reach out and call a suicide help line to talk you down from these feelings and try to find a therapist that you can really talk to.

 

I mean it. There is plenty to hope for and live for.

 

It is good that you are reaching out to people on the internet but talking with someone on the phone could really help you to get through this bad patch and figure out how to get the help that you want/need.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I only said I was thinking about it, I never said I was going to do it. I think about suicide sometimes, but thankfully I usually snap out of it.... Unfortunately, I come back to reality after that and get sucked back into that way of thinking. One day I might not snap out of it. I'm probably a piece of shit for even bringing this up (again), but I did mean what I said.

 

As obvious as it is now, I need to confess this anyway, I have another problem also. That problem is.... I subconsciously reject help, even when I want it. I don't know why. Maybe it's a matter of fear, but when it comes to calling numbers, making appointments, seeing doctors, trying to open up to them... I don't know, something inside me says "NO!" Maybe I'm afraid to do it. I don't know.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I know I need to do it, I know I need to call... but I don't know. I have a bad feeling about doing it.

 

By the way, why is it the more I talk, the more I open up, the worse I feel about myself? The fact that all of you are going to such lengths to help me jsut makes me feel..... like a shitty human being. I'm not worth all this attention. Maybe in my mind, all I ever was was just an attention whore? I don't even understand myself or what I'm doing.

[renoliz]

I know I need to do it, I know I need to call... but I don't know. I have a bad feeling about doing it.

 

By the way, why is it the more I talk, the more I open up, the worse I feel about myself? The fact that all of you are going to such lengths to help me jsut makes me feel..... like a shitty human being. I'm not worth all this attention. Maybe in my mind, all I ever was was just an attention whore? I don't even understand myself or what I'm doing.

 

Why is it that decent people who are not narcissists, not Hitler, not mass murderers, why is it that people who just have a few issues feel so bad about themselves in this society?

 

I am loud, hyper and nervous. I refuse to be labled, by the way, with ADD and all this other crap people have come up eith. Everyone is a pop psychoogist nowadays. I am who I am. I am not a bad human being. Deal with it world. I have learned to deal with it. I actually even like myself. I am also kind, sarcastic and funny and tall and thin. What more could I want?

 

You are OCD type. Some comic on TV is too. He has learned to deal with it and actually like himself.

 

Keep plugging and try to get some face to face help. The people on this website will be still be here to supplement what you are doing live and in person with a therapist or a therapy group or whatever you come up with.

[Phanta]

You're just a regular person having a really hard time.

 

I know I need to do it, I know I need to call... but I don't know. I have a bad feeling about doing it.

 

Misery is a comfortable familiar.

 

Ready to change?

 

1-800-273-8255

 

Phanta

[Ouroboros]

I know I need to do it, I know I need to call... but I don't know. I have a bad feeling about doing it.

No. Do not feel bad about it.

 

You're young and you're going through things, you need the help from someone who can talk to you on a direct basis. We all need that at times. We're social beings, and you feel alone and different. Call them. Please. I beg you.

 

By the way, why is it the more I talk, the more I open up, the worse I feel about myself? The fact that all of you are going to such lengths to help me jsut makes me feel..... like a shitty human being. I'm not worth all this attention. Maybe in my mind, all I ever was was just an attention whore? I don't even understand myself or what I'm doing.

Don't worry about it. Give them a call.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

What if I call, not truly needing it, and I end up preventing someone else, who truly needs to talk, and they don't get to? What if my call prevents another call, a more serious and important call from getting through? What if this person commits suicide, which could have been prevented if they had actually got to talk to someone? Their blood would be on my hands. I'm afraid to make any call of that nature, because I feel like I don't truly need it. I need some kind of help, but I'm afraid to call any of those numbers. I feel like doing it would be a great sin. And I mean that in a non-religious sense.

[Guest Valk0010]

What if I call, not truly needing it, and I end up preventing someone else, who truly needs to talk, and they don't get to? What if my call prevents another call, a more serious and important call from getting through? What if this person commits suicide, which could have been prevented if they had actually got to talk to someone? Their blood would be on my hands. I'm afraid to make any call of that nature, because I feel like I don't truly need it. I need some kind of help, but I'm afraid to call any of those numbers. I feel like doing it would be a great sin. And I mean that in a non-religious sense.

Call dipshit, its a national hotline, the likelyhood of them running out of phone lines(so a person that needs to call in can't) because of you is very very small.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I can't. I can't call, because I can't kill myself. I can't. Thoughts of hell prevent me from it. The thoughts of being tortured, agonizing in unimaginable pain, being burned by impossibly hot flames, being cut up, stabbed, beat up, having every bone in your body broken, being terribly thirsty and hungry without anything to eat or drink, being trapped in darkness, completely cut off from any kind of love, or anything that is good, haunted by thoughts of the past, being completely aware, day and night, of every terrible thing you did to the people you love, and of everything you could and should have done but didn't do, being haunted by that at all times... Knowing that you'll never see them again, you'll never be able to right your wrongs, you'll never be able to apologize to them and tell them that you love them, all you can do is continue to be haunted by these thoughts.... unspeakable, unimaginable pain.... mentally, physically, and emotionally.... for hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of years.... forever.... without being able to die. Without any hope of escape.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

If it wasn't for this twisted fucked up doctrine, I wouldn't be in the mess I'm in right now.

[Overcame Faith]

I can't. I can't call, because I can't kill myself. I can't. Thoughts of hell prevent me from it. The thoughts of being tortured, agonizing in unimaginable pain, being burned by impossibly hot flames, being cut up, stabbed, beat up, having every bone in your body broken, being terribly thirsty and hungry without anything to eat or drink, being trapped in darkness, completely cut off from any kind of love, or anything that is good, haunted by thoughts of the past, being completely aware, day and night, of every terrible thing you did to the people you love, and of everything you could and should have done but didn't do, being haunted by that at all times... Knowing that you'll never see them again, you'll never be able to right your wrongs, you'll never be able to apologize to them and tell them that you love them, all you can do is continue to be haunted by these thoughts.... unspeakable, unimaginable pain.... mentally, physically, and emotionally.... for hundreds and thousands and millions and billions of years.... forever.... without being able to die. Without any hope of escape.

 

Then I think it's best if we don't try to convince you that hell doesn't exist until you otherwise get your head together.

[Phanta]

I once called the national hotline to find out what it was like, since I was recommending it to so many people. They had a very high call volume the night I called, so my number rolled over to Boy's Town, which provides backup for them when call volume is high. They have a whole network of support agencies who specialize in helping people with your problems (not just imminent suicides), and a strong plan in place to deal with high call volumes. Your call will not effect anyone else in need of help.

 

Phanta