I Repent

[Ouroboros]

What if I call, not truly needing it, and I end up preventing someone else, who truly needs to talk, and they don't get to? What if my call prevents another call, a more serious and important call from getting through? What if this person commits suicide, which could have been prevented if they had actually got to talk to someone? Their blood would be on my hands. I'm afraid to make any call of that nature, because I feel like I don't truly need it. I need some kind of help, but I'm afraid to call any of those numbers. I feel like doing it would be a great sin. And I mean that in a non-religious sense.

The reversed also applies: If you do not call, you are in effect preventing someone (yourself) from getting the help you need. So in the end, you carry the same guilt, call or not call.

 

Therefore, call now, I beg you.

 

Besides, they have enough people to answer the phones. So Call!!!

[renoliz]

What if I call, not truly needing it, and I end up preventing someone else, who truly needs to talk, and they don't get to? What if my call prevents another call, a more serious and important call from getting through? What if this person commits suicide, which could have been prevented if they had actually got to talk to someone? Their blood would be on my hands. I'm afraid to make any call of that nature, because I feel like I don't truly need it. I need some kind of help, but I'm afraid to call any of those numbers. I feel like doing it would be a great sin. And I mean that in a non-religious sense.

 

You do truly need to do something to help yourself. You aren't going to be able to help others until you do help yourself. It is not selfish to want to feel better and get the help you want/need. I have called a suicide hotline in the past [though quite a few years ago now] and thought that it was of some benefit to me.

 

What if you get the help you need/want and have a productive and decent life? That would be good for you and the rest of the world. You do deserve a decent life and you do deserve to find peace with your brain and your self. You do need to work out the psychological issues that you are having. You need to come to terms with the ideas you have about sin, selfishness and the concept of hell. Many Christians do not believe as severely as you do. Many people throughout the world have different belief systems altogether. It is not a great sin, it is not even a sin at all, to get the help that you need.

 

Your life is important, too. So, by calling you will not supercede anyone elses chance to call and they have their own lives to live. It is time you worked on having a life to live. It is going to take some effort on your part but it is going to be a good thing. It doesn't hurt to call and tell them what your issue is and see if they have a referral for you.

[Phanta]

Hans is right.

 

And the hotline is not just for imminent suicides. It is also designed for people in emotional crisis. You are in emotional crisis. It is designed for you.

 

1-800-273-8255 is the number.

[exrepub]

Back on topic, I'm nowhere near where I should have been by now, but I think I'm making some small steps.

 

There is no should. You are where you are.

 

I was in a real spin for many months with fears and some obsessive thinking, and I'm out of it now. Part of it was that a conflict with another person that was causing me a lot of pain was resolved. A physical ailment was healed through me trying a different treatment; I didn't realize how much chronic pain was effecting me until it was gone. Finally, some friends hit a bad spot and I spent a week in overdrive cooking meals every day--giving of myself to others, feeling needed and useful. I came out the other side feeling like me old self. It was unexpected and relieving; I thought I was stuck in that state forever.

 

I hope you keep trying different things that are self-supportive and healing, too, and continue to reach out for good outside support.

 

Phanta

 

A few months, try having that shit for a few years. And you can all talk about "you are ware you are because of what you do", and it's up to you to make yourself happy. Well, there is such a thing as "uncontrolled circumstances". I have been through allot of the same shit as you "Perfect Insanity". Yes, I am healing in little steps, but what if, just what the fuck if, your mind is fucked for the rest of your life. Call it a brain thing, a genetic thing, a self esteem thing, whatever you want to call it. The bottom line is shit my stay fucked up for you and me until we die. I am like you, I would rather accept it instead of make believe there is not a problem.

[Guest Valk0010]

I was in a hospital bed once, for swallowing pills, and the nurse said something to me that helped me more then anything else. I don't remember the exact words but I remember the sentiment. You have your whole life ahead of you, whatever is happening no matter how bad will pass, it may change you but it won't kill you. You still will have some sort of life to enjoy.

[exrepub]

I have read every post on here, and we have allot of things in common and I try not to judge. You need to print out every one of these replies, take them with you, and check yourself in to a psyche ward. I have been to one before it is very helpful. Heck, I even got a phone number and got laid when I got out.....

 

If anyone read your comment about shooting yourself they would have you committed anyway.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

A few months, try having that shit for a few years. And you can all talk about "you are ware you are because of what you do", and it's up to you to make yourself happy. Well, there is such a thing as "uncontrolled circumstances". I have been through allot of the same shit as you "Perfect Insanity". Yes, I am healing in little steps, but what if, just what the fuck if, your mind is fucked for the rest of your life. Call it a brain thing, a genetic thing, a self esteem thing, whatever you want to call it. The bottom line is shit my stay fucked up for you and me until we die. I am like you, I would rather accept it instead of make believe there is not a problem.

 

I accepted that a long time ago. I'm not the kind of guy who pretends there's not a problem. I have a problem, and it might stay with me as long as I'm alive. I accept that.

 

I was in a hospital bed once, for swallowing pills, and the nurse said something to me that helped me more then anything else. I don't remember the exact words but I remember the sentiment. You have your whole life ahead of you, whatever is happening no matter how bad will pass, it may change you but it won't kill you. You still will have some sort of life to enjoy.

 

That's not always true. What about someone who has just been diagnosed with the final stages of cancer, and they only have weeks to live? No amount of optimistic talk can change anything for them. They're going to die, and there's nothing they can do about it.

 

 

I have read every post on here, and we have allot of things in common and I try not to judge. You need to print out every one of these replies, take them with you, and check yourself in to a psyche ward. I have been to one before it is very helpful. Heck, I even got a phone number and got laid when I got out.....

 

If anyone read your comment about shooting yourself they would have you committed anyway.

 

I should have kept that comment about the gun to myself.

[renoliz]

A few months, try having that shit for a few years. And you can all talk about "you are ware you are because of what you do", and it's up to you to make yourself happy. Well, there is such a thing as "uncontrolled circumstances". I have been through allot of the same shit as you "Perfect Insanity". Yes, I am healing in little steps, but what if, just what the fuck if, your mind is fucked for the rest of your life. Call it a brain thing, a genetic thing, a self esteem thing, whatever you want to call it. The bottom line is shit my stay fucked up for you and me until we die. I am like you, I would rather accept it instead of make believe there is not a problem.

 

I accepted that a long time ago. I'm not the kind of guy who pretends there's not a problem. I have a problem, and it might stay with me as long as I'm alive. I accept that.

 

I was in a hospital bed once, for swallowing pills, and the nurse said something to me that helped me more then anything else. I don't remember the exact words but I remember the sentiment. You have your whole life ahead of you, whatever is happening no matter how bad will pass, it may change you but it won't kill you. You still will have some sort of life to enjoy.

 

That's not always true. What about someone who has just been diagnosed with the final stages of cancer, and they only have weeks to live? No amount of optimistic talk can change anything for them. They're going to die, and there's nothing they can do about it.

 

 

I have read every post on here, and we have allot of things in common and I try not to judge. You need to print out every one of these replies, take them with you, and check yourself in to a psyche ward. I have been to one before it is very helpful. Heck, I even got a phone number and got laid when I got out.....

 

If anyone read your comment about shooting yourself they would have you committed anyway.

 

I should have kept that comment about the gun to myself.

 

Number one - You may have a condition for the rest of your life or you may NOT. Even if you have a condition for the rest of your life you can find ways to deal with your condition and find ways to like who you are anyway. You will not be committed for having thought of hurting yourself at some point in time. So, do not think that by getting some face-to-face help you will be committed. That is only for people who are in imminent danger of hurting themselves.

 

Myself, I think you have done a good thing by reaching out to the people on this website but that you, for whatever reason, still want to present a picture of perfection to the world [maybe that should read your parents]. Drop a bit of the facade and get the help you need/want.

 

Getting some help can take a little effort and can seem scary. I remember when I went into the counselors office and they had a little tiny typewritten note that had the word incest in it. I thought that word was in bold letters 12 feet tall. Because I felt like a bad person for what happened to me. I was not a bad person. Even if I was a bad person I didn't want to remain a bad person. Really, we are all to human in this world. I was the victim/survivor in this situation. But it was really hard for me to go in for any type of counseling. I still think it was me that wanted to get better that made the difference but that having a palce to safely discuss my situation helped considerably.

 

As for your comment about people who have cancer, they are not going to make it, so what? Nobody makes it out of this world alive. It's what you do with the time that you have that counts. And, some of those people do live productive lives for a long time. So, don't rush to judgement about how fulfilling there time on earth is. Life is what YOU make it. Reach out for the support you need to make YOUR life better.

[Ouroboros]

I accepted that a long time ago. I'm not the kind of guy who pretends there's not a problem. I have a problem, and it might stay with me as long as I'm alive. I accept that.

Or it might not stay with you as long as you live. You won't know until you try everything to get rid of it. Don't give up because it doesn't disappear on its own. Some people need the help to get rid of these feelings, and for some people, they're just lucky to never have those feelings.

 

I thought about ending my life as well, many times, but that's in the past. I struggled most with it after the accident my wife and kids were in. I have a son who is paraplegic because of that accident, and every one or two years he's intensively sick and need hospital care for weeks. He's been close to death more times than I can count. We lost track of the number of surgeries he's gone through. But he does NOT give up. Not a fat chance. He's a fighter to the bitter end. And it's extremely hard emotionally to live and see him through all this. In the last year or so, I've been close to death too, even though it doesn't scare me anymore, it's not something I'm looking for intentionally. I don't want to. I want to see the world and experience life to its fullest, which can mean different things for different people.

 

You need to find yourself.

 

That's not always true. What about someone who has just been diagnosed with the final stages of cancer, and they only have weeks to live? No amount of optimistic talk can change anything for them. They're going to die, and there's nothing they can do about it.

And yet they fight to live on.

 

Do you have terminal cancer? I thought your pain is only inside, internal pain. You are struggling with obsessive thoughts, not cancer, am I right?

 

I should have kept that comment about the gun to myself.

Or perhaps it was a good thing. Now you have to deal with the demons in your life. You are forced to face your fear about life and try to fight the dragon.

[Guest Valk0010]

And are you a cancer patient? Your right its not always true, but then again most general rules aren't always true. A cancer patient will find solace in something. You however seem to love misery.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Number one - You may have a condition for the rest of your life or you may NOT. Even if you have a condition for the rest of your life you can find ways to deal with your condition and find ways to like who you are anyway. You will not be committed for having thought of hurting yourself at some point in time. So, do not think that by getting some face-to-face help you will be committed. That is only for people who are in imminent danger of hurting themselves.

 

Myself, I think you have done a good thing by reaching out to the people on this website but that you, for whatever reason, still want to present a picture of perfection to the world [maybe that should read your parents]. Drop a bit of the facade and get the help you need/want.

 

Getting some help can take a little effort and can seem scary. I remember when I went into the counselors office and they had a little tiny typewritten note that had the word incest in it. I thought that word was in bold letters 12 feet tall. Because I felt like a bad person for what happened to me. I was not a bad person. Even if I was a bad person I didn't want to remain a bad person. Really, we are all to human in this world. I was the victim/survivor in this situation. But it was really hard for me to go in for any type of counseling. I still think it was me that wanted to get better that made the difference but that having a palce to safely discuss my situation helped considerably.

 

As for your comment about people who have cancer, they are not going to make it, so what? Nobody makes it out of this world alive. It's what you do with the time that you have that counts. And, some of those people do live productive lives for a long time. So, don't rush to judgement about how fulfilling there time on earth is. Life is what YOU make it. Reach out for the support you need to make YOUR life better.

 

Your comment about me wanting to present a picture of perfection to the world, what do you mean by that?

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Or it might not stay with you as long as you live. You won't know until you try everything to get rid of it. Don't give up because it doesn't disappear on its own. Some people need the help to get rid of these feelings, and for some people, they're just lucky to never have those feelings.

 

I thought about ending my life as well, many times, but that's in the past. I struggled most with it after the accident my wife and kids were in. I have a son who is paraplegic because of that accident, and every one or two years he's intensively sick and need hospital care for weeks. He's been close to death more times than I can count. We lost track of the number of surgeries he's gone through. But he does NOT give up. Not a fat chance. He's a fighter to the bitter end. And it's extremely hard emotionally to live and see him through all this. In the last year or so, I've been close to death too, even though it doesn't scare me anymore, it's not something I'm looking for intentionally. I don't want to. I want to see the world and experience life to its fullest, which can mean different things for different people.

 

When I hear stories about other people's struggles, it makes me realise how little my problems really are. I give myself too much attention. I don't even deserve any help.

 

You need to find yourself.

 

You're right. Forgetting everything I was taught, everything I've been told, from either side, I need to cast everything aside and find what I truly believe for myself.

 

And yet they fight to live on.

 

Do you have terminal cancer? I thought your pain is only inside, internal pain. You are struggling with obsessive thoughts, not cancer, am I right?

 

As far as I know, I do not have cancer. That was just an example. I'm in no way comparing myself to a person who is battling cancer, I'm just saying that to show that not everyone has that hope for a future.

 

Or perhaps it was a good thing. Now you have to deal with the demons in your life. You are forced to face your fear about life and try to fight the dragon.

 

The only problem is, I'm not sure what the dragon is. I'm not sure what it is I need to be fighting. I'm not sure if I should be fighting religion or giving in to it.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

And are you a cancer patient? Your right its not always true, but then again most general rules aren't always true. A cancer patient will find solace in something. You however seem to love misery.

 

I hate misery, but I seem to like inflicting it upon myself.

[Ouroboros]

As far as I know, I do not have cancer. That was just an example. I'm in no way comparing myself to a person who is battling cancer, I'm just saying that to show that not everyone has that hope for a future.

In the long run, no one of us have a future. We all are going the same way, but it's the attitude we have during the time we're here that makes a difference.

 

The only problem is, I'm not sure what the dragon is. I'm not sure what it is I need to be fighting. I'm not sure if I should be fighting religion or giving in to it.

I think your dragon is your obsession with things. Learn to let go, and learn to take a day at a time.

[renoliz]

 

 

Here is what I am saying. Your first post said you were wearing masks. Some of your other posts said you didn't want your parents to find out you were seeking help. I don't know you and I haven't read everything you have ever written but doesn't that seem like a person who wants to hide their vulnerability, their fears, their so-called negative qualities? Haven't your parents ever noticed that you wash yuor hands a lot? Most pwoplw aren't really doing as good a job of hiding their problems as they think. I could certainly understand why you wouldn't want to tell your parents evrything but would it really shock them to find out that you are a bit obsessive and you think that seeking out a bit of thereapy would be a good idea? You tell me, I don't know them.

 

Since I cannot see you face-to-face I cannot know anything but what you tell me in writing. I cannot see if you are avoiding a topic or guarding your inner self from something you don't want to look at.

 

People are quick to label others in a pop psychology way but I will not label you. You may have OCD but you may have psychological issues that if resolved would allow you to let go of your handwashing behavior. Your obsession with Armegeddon and Hell and such is actually quite common for people that are trying to let go of their cult indoctrination. So if you talked about it with someone who understands religious/cult indoctrination you might be able to work it out. I wonder if there is a group in your area for that topic. Look at meetup.com or some such.

 

You have let your guard down here on this forum but perhaps you still fear that the people who actually know you won't like/love you anymore if they find out what you are really like. Again, I don't know. You have to tell me if I am off base on this.

 

I remember a time for myself when I was an abused person. First in my family and then when I got married. I think people might have thought I was mentally wonkie but I do not think that I was nice person. I think I was trying very hard to figure out a way to make it in this world. Finding a way to understanding for my situation.

 

I am not actually normal in some ways even today. Who cares? I am going to keep going and I have found a lot of peace and happiness. This society is all screwed up anyway because they all think it is what kind of house you live in and the car you drive when life is about having good character and being a good friend. I am pretty sure being normal is not what I need anyway.

 

One thing is that I am loved and appreciated now. But it really did have to start with me learning about what being a good person really is and what kind of a person I wanted to be and then deciding to live with some of my flaws. I am not Wonder Woman. Wish I was but I have and will make plenty of mistakes in this lifetime. So what? Everyone does.

 

It is good to realize that others have greater problems than you but only if you realize that you are of value, too. Start looking on the bright side of life sometimes. You have character, you have all your arms and legs working, you have somewhere to live, you have the brains to get yourself right and to get the help you need/want. I am glad that I reached out for help evn though it took a couple of tries. I am glad I read a bunch of self-help books even if some of them were kind of off base.

 

Too long now so I will stop.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

Here is what I am saying. Your first post said you were wearing masks. Some of your other posts said you didn't want your parents to find out you were seeking help. I don't know you and I haven't read everything you have ever written but doesn't that seem like a person who wants to hide their vulnerability, their fears, their so-called negative qualities? Haven't your parents ever noticed that you wash yuor hands a lot? Most pwoplw aren't really doing as good a job of hiding their problems as they think. I could certainly understand why you wouldn't want to tell your parents evrything but would it really shock them to find out that you are a bit obsessive and you think that seeking out a bit of thereapy would be a good idea? You tell me, I don't know them.

 

One thing I haven't mentioned is, one of my parents knows, for the most part, what I'm going through and where I stand. The other does not. The parent that knows, I don't wear a mask around, for the most part. The parent who doesn't, I wear a mask to the extent that I act like I have no emotion, I don't discuss anything that interests me. I don't know why I do this, but I've done it since before these religious issues even came up. But I especially do it now. This parent is very religious, but thankfully not to the legalistic extent that I brainwashed myself with. But still very religious nonetheless. Talking about the Bible a lot, watching and listening to a lot of preachers, strongly focusing on Israel, end time prophecies, getting the family together to do devotions, etc. I love them, but we don't have the best relationship. I wish I could change that. But now, at this point, I think it's too late. I'm too different. If I were to open up and speak my mind, it would spark arguments and do nothing but cause division. Not only that, it would cause them to worry about me a lot, and maybe get depressed. It would cause me a lot of guilt. How would it make a parent feel if they believed that their son was going to hell? I don't want to put people through that. It's best that some people don't find out. If I open up and stop wearing masks, it will probably unleash hell in this house. Not literally, but I don't want to be preached at or looked down on. I want to be at peace with the people I live with. That won't happen if I reveal my true self. But if I keep hiding behind the mask, I'll be living a lie. That alone is the main reason I wanted to move out. So I can be myself while at the same time avoiding religious arguments. I can't move out yet. I've talked to the other parent about it, and it's clear that I absolutely cannot afford to live on my own as I currently am.

 

Since I cannot see you face-to-face I cannot know anything but what you tell me in writing. I cannot see if you are avoiding a topic or guarding your inner self from something you don't want to look at.

 

People are quick to label others in a pop psychology way but I will not label you. You may have OCD but you may have psychological issues that if resolved would allow you to let go of your handwashing behavior. Your obsession with Armegeddon and Hell and such is actually quite common for people that are trying to let go of their cult indoctrination. So if you talked about it with someone who understands religious/cult indoctrination you might be able to work it out. I wonder if there is a group in your area for that topic. Look at meetup.com or some such.

 

The only thing I can find is a Humanist group located about an hour away from here. They require you to join before you can see when/if they're meeting up, so I don't know about that.

 

You have let your guard down here on this forum but perhaps you still fear that the people who actually know you won't like/love you anymore if they find out what you are really like. Again, I don't know. You have to tell me if I am off base on this.

 

I don't think that's the case. I could be wrong, but I don't think it is. Generally, I have the kind of attitude that says if you like me, cool, if you don't, whatever, not my problem. If somebody doesn't like me, if they have a problem with what I say, do, think, or believe, that's their problem, not mine. I'm not gonna bend over backwards to please someone like that. That's my attitude towards most people, but when it comes to family and close friends, it's a bit different. I want to be stern and defensive enough that I don't let them try to control me or tell me what to believe, but at the same time I don't want to come across like a punch in the face and just totally ruin the relationship based on me losing my temper and being too offensive, when it could have been handled in a better way. I struggle with that. It seems I'm either too aggressive or too gentle, I have a hard time finding middle ground.

 

I remember a time for myself when I was an abused person. First in my family and then when I got married. I think people might have thought I was mentally wonkie but I do not think that I was nice person. I think I was trying very hard to figure out a way to make it in this world. Finding a way to understanding for my situation.

 

I am not actually normal in some ways even today. Who cares? I am going to keep going and I have found a lot of peace and happiness. This society is all screwed up anyway because they all think it is what kind of house you live in and the car you drive when life is about having good character and being a good friend. I am pretty sure being normal is not what I need anyway.

 

Depends on what you mean by normal, but yeah, when it comes to society, fuck what they have to say, they don't know shit.

 

One thing is that I am loved and appreciated now. But it really did have to start with me learning about what being a good person really is and what kind of a person I wanted to be and then deciding to live with some of my flaws. I am not Wonder Woman. Wish I was but I have and will make plenty of mistakes in this lifetime. So what? Everyone does.

 

It is good to realize that others have greater problems than you but only if you realize that you are of value, too. Start looking on the bright side of life sometimes. You have character, you have all your arms and legs working, you have somewhere to live, you have the brains to get yourself right and to get the help you need/want. I am glad that I reached out for help evn though it took a couple of tries. I am glad I read a bunch of self-help books even if some of them were kind of off base.

 

Too long now so I will stop.

 

Why should I assume that just because I'm a human being with life in my body that automatically makes me of value? It doesn't.

[renoliz]

Why should I assume that just because I'm a human being with life in my body that automatically makes me of value? It doesn't.

 

You're wrong:)

[Guest Valk0010]

I have been thinking about something you said today. And here is something of interest for you. Ideals are ideals, we won't live up to them all the time, we will always have some sort of faults. Don't expect yourself to be the perfectly emotionally healthy person. Don't feel bad if you don't live up to peoples standards, that is a problem with christianity makes them always live with a goal they can't do, screws with ones brain to know for all your life, your not what your supposed to be. Don't give yourself mental lashes due to screwups. I get the feeling you expect perfection out of yourself. Well don't.

[Guest Valk0010]

You're wrong:)

She is right. PI, think about this in a different way. What is more valuable then life itself.

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I have been thinking about something you said today. And here is something of interest for you. Ideals are ideals, we won't live up to them all the time, we will always have some sort of faults. Don't expect yourself to be the perfectly emotionally healthy person. Don't feel bad if you don't live up to peoples standards, that is a problem with christianity makes them always live with a goal they can't do, screws with ones brain to know for all your life, your not what your supposed to be. Don't give yourself mental lashes due to screwups. I get the feeling you expect perfection out of yourself. Well don't.

 

It's not that I expect perfection out of myself. I just expect something different, something much better. My standard is not perfect, I would say it's normal. I can't even measure up to that.

 

You're wrong:)

She is right. PI, think about this in a different way. What is more valuable then life itself.

 

What is more valuable than life itself? I don't know. What?

[Guest Valk0010]

I have been thinking about something you said today. And here is something of interest for you. Ideals are ideals, we won't live up to them all the time, we will always have some sort of faults. Don't expect yourself to be the perfectly emotionally healthy person. Don't feel bad if you don't live up to peoples standards, that is a problem with christianity makes them always live with a goal they can't do, screws with ones brain to know for all your life, your not what your supposed to be. Don't give yourself mental lashes due to screwups. I get the feeling you expect perfection out of yourself. Well don't.

 

It's not that I expect perfection out of myself. I just expect something different, something much better. My standard is not perfect, I would say it's normal. I can't even measure up to that.

 

You're wrong:)

She is right. PI, think about this in a different way. What is more valuable then life itself.

 

What is more valuable than life itself? I don't know. What?

I don't think your standard is normal. Your dealing with something you can't really control and you expect yourself to be like everyone else. Don't set a ideal, set a reachable goal. A Ideal is a ideal for a reason its hard if not impossible to achieve.

 

Btw, nothing is more valuable then life itself.

[Guest Valk0010]

sorry double post

[Guest Perfect Insanity]

I don't think your standard is normal. Your dealing with something you can't really control and you expect yourself to be like everyone else. Don't set a ideal, set a reachable goal. A Ideal is a ideal for a reason its hard if not impossible to achieve.

 

I believe my goals are reachable and normal. I've still failed at them, though.

 

Btw, nothing is more valuable then life itself.

 

Sorry, I misunderstood.

[Guest Valk0010]

I don't think your standard is normal. Your dealing with something you can't really control and you expect yourself to be like everyone else. Don't set a ideal, set a reachable goal. A Ideal is a ideal for a reason its hard if not impossible to achieve.

 

I believe my goals are reachable and normal. I've still failed at them, though.

 

 

Then change your goals. You gotta learn to crawl before you learn to walk.

[renoliz]

I don't think your standard is normal. Your dealing with something you can't really control and you expect yourself to be like everyone else. Don't set a ideal, set a reachable goal. A Ideal is a ideal for a reason its hard if not impossible to achieve.

 

I believe my goals are reachable and normal. I've still failed at them, though.

 

Btw, nothing is more valuable then life itself.

 

Sorry, I misunderstood.

 

Your goals are your goals but many times the goals we set for ourselves are not healthy. For instance, I tried to be the bestest wife I could. To a man that didn't know gold when it was in his hand. An impossible goal and now that I look back on it, a very unhealthy goal. Goals are okay but if you only set your sights on goals you may well miss all that is around you. You may become so focused on certain goals that you don't realize there are other goals available.

 

When I said maybe find a meetup group I didn't mean for humanists I meant for people with OCD or some other emotional support group.

 

You are too young to have been much of a failure. You have many more miles to travel. I think, in the end, you will find that your journey has been amazing and well worth the trip. Taking a side road or two doesn't make you a failure.