My Father Is Becoming A Pastor

[Akheia]

Wow.

 

Your dad is a fucking nut.

 

Seriously, he's a stone cold fucking NUT.

 

On the plus side, he seems to understand at some base level that he's losing his control over you. That's something at least. He blew off all your objections and tried to turn HIS poor behavior into YOUR fault. Good for you for standing up to him and refusing to see him until you had a cheering section/support by your side. I'm not sure I'd even go that far, honestly, but he's your dad and it's your situation. Remember, NOBODY SAYS YOU HAVE TO TALK TO HIM AT ALL. Don't get manipulated into seeing him, even with your fiance at your side, if you don't think the meeting will go well. Me, I think it's going to be 100% about him trying to force you back into his religion and making you feel terrible for not giving in to him.

 

You might want to give some thought to what you hope to get out of the meeting. If the answer is "nothing," why go? Aren't you just a little tired of letting him emotionally beat the shit out of you?

[Astreja]

Duckiegirl, block his texts and e-mails so that he can't harass you, and if you meet with him at all, always do it in the presence of a supportive third party.  I also second MadameX's suggestion to speak to a therapist about this.

[sarahinprogress]

 

Duckiegirl, block his texts and e-mails so that he can't harass you, and if you meet with him at all, always do it in the presence of a supportive third party. I also second MadameX's suggestion to speak to a therapist about this.

I still live at home. for at least 6 more months.

[sarahinprogress]

so after I talked to my mom and she said that its partially my fault because I'm not a Christian....I went a little bit crazy.

 

I had a total breakdown, and honestly I've never been so freaked out before.

 

I posted on Facebook that I now understand why so many gay people kill themselves after coming out to their families, that I had been told the above about how it's partially my fault my relationship with my father is broken, and that I had reached a low point and totally understood why someone would want to die after coming out.

 

 

my mother immediately responded with "you can leave anytime you want. maybe you can go live with a more supportive family. because of your lousy life."

 

 

I told her I loved her too and deleted the post.

 

 

I then took my car keys and sped off totally decompossin and pissed off and went careening into the canyon near my house, blind with rage and pain.

 

I honestly have never felt this much pain in my life, or cried so hard and compelled uncontrollably. I almost had an asthma attack.

 

my boyfriend called me and talked me down, and I'm better now, tho I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be ok.

 

 

the sooner I can get out of this house the better.

 

I'm exhausted.

 

 

thank you. I love you all.

[sarahinprogress]

so after I talked to my mom and she said that its partially my fault because I'm not a Christian....I went a little bit crazy.

 

I had a total breakdown, and honestly I've never been so freaked out before.

 

I posted on Facebook that I now understand why so many gay people kill themselves after coming out to their families, that I had been told the above about how it's partially my fault my relationship with my father is broken, and that I had reached a low point and totally understood why someone would want to die after coming out.

 

 

my mother immediately responded with "you can leave anytime you want. maybe you can go live with a more supportive family. because of your lousy life."

 

 

I told her I loved her too and deleted the post.

 

 

I then took my car keys and sped off totally decompossin and pissed off and went careening into the canyon near my house, blind with rage and pain.

 

I honestly have never felt this much pain in my life, or cried so hard and compelled uncontrollably. I almost had an asthma attack.

 

my boyfriend called me and talked me down, and I'm better now, tho I don't know how long it's going to take for me to be ok.

 

 

the sooner I can get out of this house the better.

 

I'm exhausted.

 

 

thank you. I love you all.

[mymistake]

Is there any way you can live at your BF's house?

[sarahinprogress]

 

Is there any way you can live at your BF's house?

maybe, but there's not really room there for me. and I don't want them to have to deal with this crazy.

[Blue elephant]

I cut my mother off for a mixture of Christian bullshit and emotionally manipulative crap.

 

After about 6 years, I had married and had a child and she was getting to be quite an old lady by then.  I thought that it was a bit sad for her to never know her grandchild (she didn't even know she had a grandchild until my daughter was about 8 months old).

 

After that, she behaved herself!!!

 

If you behave like an adult disciplining a child, it will achieve results!

 

By now, you know that your father is very manipulative and perhaps even a little nutty.  Stop thinking that any interaction is going to be positive at this stage.  You need to engage in some "parental discipline".- perhaps of both parents even??

[Guest MadameX]

Young lady, you are in crisis. Please stay away from media - that often makes the communication worse. And please get someone who is older and wiser and preferably trained, on your side to help you out.

 

I wish you the very best. You will come out on the other side of this, soon.

[Akheia]

Please listen to Astreja and MadameX. That's just horrible to hear. Nobody should have to hear any of that from what should be a loving parent. And if anybody at all is willing to lend you crash space, even in a cramped place, please let them do so. Better to sleep on a couch than live in that madhouse even another moment. Sounds like your parents are both fucking nuts.

[sarahinprogress]

thank you. thank you all so much.

[Fernweh]

This too shall pass....

 

You're almost on your own but not quite yet. The parents can't let go of the fact that they won't be able to control your life any longer. Control freaks hate this. Religion is a perfect tool for them to use for control. However, he would still do these manipulative things if he were atheist.

 

I lived with the same problem as a young adult. My dad is probably either BPD or NPD. Either way, he is/was a controlling nutcase. When I was about 35 years old I had enough and cut him out of my life for good. I live about a mile from him and can count the number if times I've interacted with him the last five years on one hand. I lost the Dad I never had. Growing up, I wished he were dead nearly every time I saw him. When I finally cut him out of my life I grieved just as if he had physically passed away. The grief was not so much for him, but for the loss of the dad that I never had nor would have. Cutting him out of my life and going "no contact" was the only way to preserve peace in my own life and that of my own family. I won't bore anyone with the TL;DR details of the insanity I put up with, but suffice it to say, my life became much more peaceful the day I decided he was dead to me.

 

It was not an easy choice but it was the right one for myself and my wife and kids. Since you still live with your parents, for the time being, the only way to really stop the drama is to turn the tables on them. These border line and narcissistic people need people to project their pathetic image of themselves on to. It's called narcissistic supply and you are more than likely the supply to your father. The only way to get at these people is to threaten them with the complete loss of their supply, in this case that would be you. So, turn the tables. Tell HIM that YOU don't want HIM at your wedding. That this is YOUR wedding, not his, and his drama is not welcome. You must set boundaries with these people or they will trample all over you. This is not an easy thing to do when you are a young adult who still depends on the overbearing parent.

 

Like I said at the beginning.... This too shall pass.

 

However, if you plan on maintaining any contact with your dad after you get married be prepared for him to wreak havoc in your life any way that he can find. That's how these people operate.

[mymistake]

. . .  and I don't want them to have to deal with this crazy.

 

That is a nobel thought and I hope you will focus on that and make it a focal point.  This crazy is part of your past life from back when you lived with your folks.  As you move out on your own cut that crazy out of your life.  If that means the people who are doing it to you then so be it.  Your family will be hard on your partner.   Maybe it will help to tell him you see it and know about it and appreciate it.  

 

When you start living with him that will be your chance to start making better life choices than your parents did.  You don't have to handle conflict the way they did.  You don't have to handle people they way they did.  Even if you mess up forging your own path is better than knowingly doing it the wrong way.

 

You will do fine.

[sarahinprogress]

 

 

. . . and I don't want them to have to deal with this crazy.

That is a nobel thought and I hope you will focus on that and make it a focal point. This crazy is part of your past life from back when you lived with your folks. As you move out on your own cut that crazy out of your life. If that means the people who are doing it to you then so be it. Your family will be hard on your partner. Maybe it will help to tell him you see it and know about it and appreciate it.

 

When you start living with him that will be your chance to start making better life choices than your parents did. You don't have to handle conflict the way they did. You don't have to handle people they way they did. Even if you mess up forging your own path is better than knowingly doing it the wrong way.

 

You will do fine.

thank you so much

[wndwalkr99]

"Dad, I will be walking down the aisle without you. if you want to be invited to my wedding, you will have to prove to me between now and when the invitations are dropped in the mail that you understand what I have asked of you. This is not negotiable."

[kolaida]

I'd definitely find a way to move out. I lived with my parents til 26 and it was stupid.  I only stayed because my mother kept manipulating me into staying. I'm pretty sure she has multiple personality disorders, probably mostly resulting from her very traumatic childhood that I often felt guilty for and even went out of my way to try to make it up for her.  Once I moved out and even cut them out for about a year, it was refreshing.  However, I did realize I had my own problems (and STILL do) from all that and am working on it.  Even though there is no real cure for personality disorders, there is therapy and medicines.  But a person has to recognize they absolutely have something wrong with them and seek help. My mother will not.  I say this because for a long time I was terrified I was just like my mother or had the same personality disorder.  And while I am somewhat similar, I have been to therapy and gotten help and been treated.  It's confusing, though, because sometimes you really do enjoy being around that person (as I did with my mother/parents), but then the lows are so low it's insane.  

 

Your boyfriend is already aware of the situation and his parents probably know as well. I would definitely aim to move out.  Not only does your dad have something wrong with him, but hardcore religion is thrown into the mix and he believes God is on his side. And I hate to say it but your mom also believes in god and she is in love with your father.  Parents will generally stand together on issues.  

 

Please, please work hard to move out. It would be in your best interest. Right now, you parents are stunting your growth as a human being.  I was very surprised all the stuff I learned about myself once I moved out. I wasn't SO focused on keeping the peace with my parents and could really just focus on me. Keeping the peace especially when you live together is usually vital and extremely tolling on a person. It was my wish to move out on good terms and I kept trying, but some parents just can't let go.  Anyway, hope this rambling helped some.  Wishing you well!! 

[sarahinprogress]

 

 

Your boyfriend is already aware of the situation and his parents probably know as well. I would definitely aim to move out. Not only does your dad have something wrong with him, but hardcore religion is thrown into the mix and he believes God is on his side. And I hate to say it but your mom also believes in god and she is in love with your father. Parents will generally stand together on issues.

 

Please, please work hard to move out. It would be in your best interest. Right now, you parents are stunting your growth as a human being. I was very surprised all the stuff I learned about myself once I moved out. I wasn't SO focused on keeping the peach with my parents and could really just focus on me. Keeping the peace especially when you live together is usually vital and extremely tolling on a person. It was my wish to move out on good terms and I kept trying, but some parents just can't let go. Anyway, hope this rambling helped some. Wishing you well!!

that's exactly it. The peace keeping thing. I'm so confused right now as well, I just don't know who or what I am or am doing.

everything's just SO MUCH.

[Ravenstar]

I left home at 15 

 

because of the crazy

 

I didn't move in with a relative... or with a man, or to a shelter

 

I just did it. Got a job waitressing, found a room to rent and got on with my life. Was it easy? no.

 

Was it worth it?

 

Hell YES!

 

 

Stop making excuses...(how old is this thread now?) No one is going to rescue you - though you will find those who will support you. But it's UP TO YOU to take care of YOU.

 

Don't be afraid. If a 15 year old girl can do it - you'll be just fine. Don't talk about it, don't threaten, don't give your dad the next 'rent' installment, just find a rooming house, for now (There's lots of them if you are near a college or university) pack a bag and just leave. Figure it all out AFTER you have some space and peace. (just finish the semester and then make your plans) You will amaze yourself with your resourcefulness... I know I did. Nothing increases self-esteem and confidence like knowing you can take care of yourself. Nothing feels better than having a space, even one little dingy room, that is ALL YOURS. Nothing is better for your peace of mind than heading 'home' and knowing it's your SANCTUARY.

 

Nothing increases your personal power like being on your own... and I would highly suggest that you live on your own BEFORE you get married anyway. (topic for another day)

 

See a therapist for clarity and support. PLEASE spend some time at the BPDfamily boards. But for your own mental and emotional health.. get OUT of there. Now.

 

 

Honey, The only way not to play this game is to get off the board.

[sarahinprogress]

I left home at 15

 

because of the crazy

 

I didn't move in with a relative... or with a man, or to a shelter

 

I just did it. Got a job waitressing, found a room to rent and got on with my life. Was it easy? no.

 

Was it worth it?

 

Hell YES!

 

 

Stop making excuses...(how old is this thread now?) No one is going to rescue you - though you will find those who will support you. But it's UP TO YOU to take care of YOU.

 

Don't be afraid. If a 15 year old girl can do it - you'll be just fine. Don't talk about it, don't threaten, don't give your dad the next 'rent' installment, just find a rooming house, for now (There's lots of them if you are near a college or university) pack a bag and just leave. Figure it all out AFTER you have some space and peace. (just finish the semester and then make your plans) You will amaze yourself with your resourcefulness... I know I did. Nothing increases self-esteem and confidence like knowing you can take care of yourself. Nothing feels better than having a space, even one little dingy room, that is ALL YOURS. Nothing is better for your peace of mind than heading 'home' and knowing it's your SANCTUARY.

 

Nothing increases your personal power like being on your own... and I would highly suggest that you live on your own BEFORE you get married anyway. (topic for another day)

 

See a therapist for clarity and support. PLEASE spend some time at the BPDfamily boards. But for your own mental and emotional health.. get OUT of there. Now.

 

 

Honey, The only way not to play this game is to get off the board.

I admire you for doing that so young.

I'm not afraid to move out.

I have six more months of this program and then I'm gone.

[kolaida]

 

 

 

Your boyfriend is already aware of the situation and his parents probably know as well. I would definitely aim to move out. Not only does your dad have something wrong with him, but hardcore religion is thrown into the mix and he believes God is on his side. And I hate to say it but your mom also believes in god and she is in love with your father. Parents will generally stand together on issues.

 

Please, please work hard to move out. It would be in your best interest. Right now, you parents are stunting your growth as a human being. I was very surprised all the stuff I learned about myself once I moved out. I wasn't SO focused on keeping the peach with my parents and could really just focus on me. Keeping the peace especially when you live together is usually vital and extremely tolling on a person. It was my wish to move out on good terms and I kept trying, but some parents just can't let go. Anyway, hope this rambling helped some. Wishing you well!!

that's exactly it. The peace keeping thing. I'm so confused right now as well, I just don't know who or what I am or am doing.

everything's just SO MUCH.

 

Yes, it is. It's a LOT and at your age, you should have already been on your own for awhile now. I really regret that my parents didn't just kick me out at 20 (oddly enough 19-21 was when I was at my financial best and could have afforded rent more easily due to my job at the time) yet was talked into doing the "smart" thing and finishing school~ and when that fell apart, it wasn't pretty.  I know, at 18/19, if I have kids, I will help them find their own places, humans should grow and have their own lives outside of their parents'.  I know it really set me back like ten years.  At least you were smart enough to get bf and start being sexually active, lol. I couldn't but I had younger siblings (5, 9, and 10 years younger). 

 

It is a LOT, but like Ravenstar said, you CAN move out. You don't HAVE to stay at home to finish school out.  (I'm out of rep points!)

 

And abuse does stink. It was extremely confusing and difficult for me to accept my mother might have emotionally abused/manipulated me.  I did not associate abuse with that since my mother was abused in different ways growing up (which I heard about often, my childhood was often compared to hers as I was growing up).  It's just not emotionally healthy.  Judging by your age and the way the thread has gone, though, I'd say you're probably more like me and a bit of a parent-pleaser.  I know I was.  But once I got out and away, it really opened my eyes.  No matter what you choose, I wish you well and hope for the best outcome for you. 

[Akheia]

Once you get out of that madhouse, you'll wonder why you stayed so long. Six months is too long. You're already going into hysterics. It's up to you, of course, but from the sound of things, you need to get the fuck out of there like NOW. I hope you will give real consideration to the idea. Whatever perceived benefits you're getting from living there, they don't sound like they outweigh the torment you face at the hands of your shithouse-crazy parents. You're selling your sanity for a room to live in.

[freethinker77]

Something is keeping you there. What is it?

[electech98]

I think we need to give Duckie a break, guys. First she has pressure from her dad to fall in line with his faith, but now it seems she's being pressured by some on the board here to get the hell out of dodge, when it's quite clear that she plans on doing just that on the timetable she has set. Ultimately SHE is the one who is in the situation and she knows exactly how much she can take. 6 months from now is not that long, contrary to what others have said, especially when she's lived there pretty much her whole life. 

 

Let her feel comfortable in her decision to stay or go, because there's so much we here on the board don't know - financial situation, the real level of good or bad in her relationship with her dad, feasibility of finding work/boarding in such a short amount of time while still going to school, etc. She, like any of us here, might have found that she would rather put up with 6 more months of punctuated madness in exchange for not having to worry nearly as much about the possibility of falling into financial ruin or even homelessness, which would ultimately affect her ability to continue going to school, finding work, getting a place to stay, etc.

[freethinker77]

I'm curious Duckie, how has it been going? You getting along ok?

[kolaida]

I think we need to give Duckie a break, guys. First she has pressure from her dad to fall in line with his faith, but now it seems she's being pressured by some on the board here to get the hell out of dodge, when it's quite clear that she plans on doing just that on the timetable she has set. Ultimately SHE is the one who is in the situation and she knows exactly how much she can take. 6 months from now is not that long, contrary to what others have said, especially when she's lived there pretty much her whole life. 

 

Let her feel comfortable in her decision to stay or go, because there's so much we here on the board don't know - financial situation, the real level of good or bad in her relationship with her dad, feasibility of finding work/boarding in such a short amount of time while still going to school, etc. She, like any of us here, might have found that she would rather put up with 6 more months of punctuated madness in exchange for not having to worry nearly as much about the possibility of falling into financial ruin or even homelessness, which would ultimately affect her ability to continue going to school, finding work, getting a place to stay, etc.

 

I agree with this to an extent.  We don't know enough about it and it will be her who chooses in the long run.  However, staying just a little longer, just a bit. I did that and it turned into years and when stuff got really rough like this even though I never thought my mother would kick me out, she did (due to some dumb reasons I won't go into detail over, but I'm glad it finally happened even though I worked so hard to leave on good terms, whatever). I had just turned 26. I should have been out of the house LONG before then. It's a big regret that I stuck around (though my reasons had to do solidly with Christianity and believing that it was more financially beneficially for me to stay with my parents- it wasn't in the long run). Also, six months can be very long when you're emotionally exhausted. 

 

I don't believe anyone here is trying to pressure her into doing something she doesn't want to do.  Just giving her the best advice. I think all adult children should move out at 21/22 regardless of school or not.  She hasn't been on in awhile, though. I wonder how she is?