My Father Is Becoming A Pastor

[Guest MadameX]

 

What an asshole

 I've been crying on and off for 2 days..that someone who is supposed to love and support me unconditionally would wound me so deeply and justify it with religious fervor....I can't have that in my life, or in the life of my children once I have them.

 

If it helps, and it probably doesn't, I went through something similar w/my parents when they did this to me. I described it as a nervous breakdown. There is something about a daughter going off with her husband that brings out some sort of instinctual reaction almost, it seems.

 

Religion makes a good stick to beat people with, doesn't it. 

 

Akheia gave some good advice. Set those boundaries, stick to your guns. 

 

All the best to you. Weddings bring out things in people, often not good things :-0 BTW I refused to have my father 'give me away.' *snarl* My compromise was he was to greet me after I descended the staircase. I then walked ON MY OWN to meet my husband where we performed the ceremony. 

[sarahinprogress]

I then walked ON MY OWN to meet my husband where we performed the ceremony.

that's awesome! ya at this point it's not even about the walk anymore, I've already taken that off the table because of his inability to tell me if he'll even come or not. it's just....ugh, he's so blind. >_<

[sarahinprogress]

 

 

 

What an asshole

yes.

I cried when I read your response. I've been crying on and off for 2 days.

 

because while I had already decided that I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle, I had still intended to invite him to my wedding....and the thought of him not being there kills me inside....because that's it. that's the last wound. that someone who is supposed to love and support me unconditionally would wound me so deeply and justify it with religious fervor....I can't have that in my life, or in the life of my children once I have them.

 

 

I feel like my father is dying, and I am grieving that death, and it hurts so very deeply and messily.

I think if you have that strong of an emotional connection with your father, you shouldn't write him out of your life completely. I've never had an emotional attachment or connection to my parents....I don't think it's something you should give up.

the emotional connection I have with my father is unhealthy and damaging.

[Adrianime]

 

 

 

 

What an asshole

yes.

I cried when I read your response. I've been crying on and off for 2 days.

 

because while I had already decided that I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle, I had still intended to invite him to my wedding....and the thought of him not being there kills me inside....because that's it. that's the last wound. that someone who is supposed to love and support me unconditionally would wound me so deeply and justify it with religious fervor....I can't have that in my life, or in the life of my children once I have them.

 

 

I feel like my father is dying, and I am grieving that death, and it hurts so very deeply and messily.

I think if you have that strong of an emotional connection with your father, you shouldn't write him out of your life completely. I've never had an emotional attachment or connection to my parents....I don't think it's something you should give up.

the emotional connection I have with my father is unhealthy and damaging.

 

Only you can decide what you want.

[sarahinprogress]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What an asshole

yes.

I cried when I read your response. I've been crying on and off for 2 days.

 

because while I had already decided that I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle, I had still intended to invite him to my wedding....and the thought of him not being there kills me inside....because that's it. that's the last wound. that someone who is supposed to love and support me unconditionally would wound me so deeply and justify it with religious fervor....I can't have that in my life, or in the life of my children once I have them.

 

 

I feel like my father is dying, and I am grieving that death, and it hurts so very deeply and messily.

I think if you have that strong of an emotional connection with your father, you shouldn't write him out of your life completely. I've never had an emotional attachment or connection to my parents....I don't think it's something you should give up.

the emotional connection I have with my father is unhealthy and damaging.

Only you can decide what you want.

Right. and I want relationship with my father that isn't so fucking damaging. at this point, the ball is in his court and if he doesn't stop damaging me I have to cut him out. I refuse to live my life continually being continually wounded by a man who doesn't understand that love shouldn't be painful in that way.

[Akheia]

You're doing the right thing.

 

A strong emotional connection isn't always a good thing at all. Sometimes, as you've noted, a strong connection can be profoundly negative and harmful. A lot of chemical fumes are very strong too, but that doesn't mean we dab them on our wrists to enjoy their effervescent scent! Sometimes the sanest and healthiest thing you can do is open the windows and let the fresh air in. Only you can decide how much is damn well ENOUGH, and it sounds like you've hit that point. You have my permission to do what you must to keep healthy.

 

It's okay to cry. Tell yourself that often and mean it, because it is. It's okay to feel sad. You're not mourning a death, but you're mourning something even more powerful than a death: a wasted life. A death would be so much easier than a life, because at least a death's done and gone, with no chance of hurting you again. A life continues on and on, and its potential for new pain is always there. So yes, you're mourning. You're mourning that daddy-daughter relationship you never had and never will have. You're mourning the hope that he'll get better and be the daddy you needed, wanted, craved. You're mourning the life you'll never have with him and the joys you'll never experience. You're mourning that separation, that lack, that need, and you're coming to grips with how you'll function with it. This is an honest mourning, an honest grief, and an honest pain. You didn't acknowledge it before because you were still functioning under delusions of reparations and reconciliations. Now that you're aware that those delusions aren't going to happen, that they were the dreams of a hurt little child, you're starting to arrange your life to take advantage of the new information you've learned, as a mature woman must.

 

It's okay to cry. They call them "growing pains" for a reason. Get it all out. When it's over, know that the sadness will fade and be replaced by self-pride and a sense of your own strength and capabilities. Something threatened and hurt you, and you fucking DEALT WITH IT. That's what growing up is all about.

[Adrianime]

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

What an asshole

yes.

I cried when I read your response. I've been crying on and off for 2 days.

 

because while I had already decided that I don't want my father to walk me down the aisle, I had still intended to invite him to my wedding....and the thought of him not being there kills me inside....because that's it. that's the last wound. that someone who is supposed to love and support me unconditionally would wound me so deeply and justify it with religious fervor....I can't have that in my life, or in the life of my children once I have them.

 

 

I feel like my father is dying, and I am grieving that death, and it hurts so very deeply and messily.

I think if you have that strong of an emotional connection with your father, you shouldn't write him out of your life completely. I've never had an emotional attachment or connection to my parents....I don't think it's something you should give up.

the emotional connection I have with my father is unhealthy and damaging.

Only you can decide what you want.

Right. and I want relationship with my father that isn't so fucking damaging. at this point, the ball is in his court and if he doesn't stop damaging me I have to cut him out. I refuse to live my life continually being continually wounded by a man who doesn't understand that love shouldn't be painful in that way.

 

If you want a relationship with your father, then work towards that (you will have to figure out what works in your own way).  If you don't want a relationship with him, then don't have one.  I'm not talking about this related to your wedding, I'm talking about the rest of your life.  Making a decision to cut him out of your life is huge, with impact and ripples.  

 

5 of my 7 siblings are either not talking to some of my siblings, or not talking to at least one of my parents.  It's one of the saddest things in my life...that most of my immediately family can't even talk to each other.  We can't even gather as a family. 

 

I'm not trying to antagonize you, I'm just trying to communicate that "giving up" might feel like the best decision, and you might feel like you are protecting yourself right now.  But if in 15 years you realize you haven't talked to your dad, and you barely see your mom because of that...will you be OK with that?  Is it OK if your children never know their grandfather?

 

My father is the one person in the world that I have hated the most in the past.  I honestly wanted him dead when i was younger  (I'm very past that type of thinking now).  But even so, I try to maintain a relationship with him now.  Especially as he grows old.  It's not like I will ever have another father.

[sarahinprogress]

 My father is the one person in the world that I have hated the most in the past.  I honestly wanted him dead when i was younger  (I'm very past that type of thinking now).  But even so, I try to maintain a relationship with him now.  Especially as he grows old.  It's not like I will ever have another father.

 

This is what i hear when you say all this: Don't cut your father out just because hes hurting you and has NEVER showed ANY signs of changing for the better. Hang on and keep trying and keep letting your heart get broken because one day MAYBE you'll regret it.

1. I have never once said i wouldnt welcome my father back into my life on MY terms.

2. you dont think i KNOW that cutting my fucking father out of my life has an IMPACT?! of COURSE i fucking know that. WHy do you think i keep saying that im falling apart that im DYING inside, and i cant stop crying? Because i fucking know.

3. No,OF COURSE i dont want him to have any contact with his grandchildren. I know how hes made me feel, and the manipulation hes used on me, why should he have any REMOTE CHANCE to do that to my children, which would be a product of a union he SO ABHORS he cant even bring himself to go to him ONLY CHILD'S WEDDING!? He deserves no chance of fucking up my children the way that i am fucked up right now.

4. My mother would never stop talking to me because of my father, and our relationship is strong and good, and WHOLESOME, not HARMFUL. In fact my mother told me she didnt htink she could stay married to my father if he didnt come to my wedding and kept on the path he is now in harming our relationship. 

5. I HAVE NEVER DONE *ANYTHING* BUT TRY TO EXTEND MY HAND TO MY FATHER AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. it is HIM who is ending this relationship one step at a time, and i DO NOT have to sit here and TAKE it just because hes my father. I DON'T.

 

so PLEASE stop telling me that i need to be careful and consider the consequences, and that i should consider staying in an EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I have. For about 10 years. 

[Ravenstar]

This may be hard to hear... but sometimes we can't have the relationship we would like to with a parent. I have a parent who is personality disordered (BPD/NPD) and after many many painful years, and a lot of therapy I finally realized that this person is incapable of ever giving me the love I wanted, no - needed. It's a tough go... and unfortunately you heard wrong - although PD's do seem to 'mellow' a little (in public anyway) sometimes they frequently also get worse with age, and there is no cure for personality disorders (yet anyway) The frustrations of aging can contribute to the crazies. (go check out BPDFamily - good support there for family members of BPD people, and a ton of info)  http://bpdfamily.com/

 

As bad as I wanted it and as hard as I tried... it couldn't work because this parent (it was my mother) were not able to accept me for who I am, and not what she wanted me to be.

 

I was 42 when I finally realized that and had to grieve the 'loss' of a parent. I now only interact with this parent on a very 'low contact' basis, it's the only way I can keep sane and balanced.

 

I don't know what you need to do, but you are an adult now, with a life of your own... please think carefully... and don't waste too much time maybe hoping for something that may not be possible.

 

Congrats on your school stuff!  and your upcoming marriage!

 

hugs

[sarahinprogress]

You're doing the right thing.

.

It's okay to cry..So yes, you're mourning. You're mourning that daddy-daughter relationship you never had and never will have. You're mourning the hope that he'll get better and be the daddy you needed, wanted, craved. You're mourning the life you'll never have with him and the joys you'll never experience. You're mourning that separation, that lack, that need, and you're coming to grips with how you'll function with it. 

 

It's okay to cry. They call them "growing pains" for a reason. Get it all out. When it's over, know that the sadness will fade and be replaced by self-pride and a sense of your own strength and capabilities. Something threatened and hurt you, and you fucking DEALT WITH IT. That's what growing up is all about.

Thank you. Thank you. I cant even think of anything else to say, except thank you. 

Thank you for understanding my pain and extending your friendship and support. Thank you. 

[Adrianime]

 

 My father is the one person in the world that I have hated the most in the past.  I honestly wanted him dead when i was younger  (I'm very past that type of thinking now).  But even so, I try to maintain a relationship with him now.  Especially as he grows old.  It's not like I will ever have another father.

 

This is what i hear when you say all this: Don't cut your father out just because hes hurting you and has NEVER showed ANY signs of changing for the better. Hang on and keep trying and keep letting your heart get broken because one day MAYBE you'll regret it.

1. I have never once said i wouldnt welcome my father back into my life on MY terms.

2. you dont think i KNOW that cutting my fucking father out of my life has an IMPACT?! of COURSE i fucking know that. WHy do you think i keep saying that im falling apart that im DYING inside, and i cant stop crying? Because i fucking know.

3. No,OF COURSE i dont want him to have any contact with his grandchildren. I know how hes made me feel, and the manipulation hes used on me, why should he have any REMOTE CHANCE to do that to my children, which would be a product of a union he SO ABHORS he cant even bring himself to go to him ONLY CHILD'S WEDDING!? He deserves no chance of fucking up my children the way that i am fucked up right now.

4. My mother would never stop talking to me because of my father, and our relationship is strong and good, and WHOLESOME, not HARMFUL. In fact my mother told me she didnt htink she could stay married to my father if he didnt come to my wedding and kept on the path he is now in harming our relationship. 

5. I HAVE NEVER DONE *ANYTHING* BUT TRY TO EXTEND MY HAND TO MY FATHER AND HAVE A RELATIONSHIP WITH HIM. it is HIM who is ending this relationship one step at a time, and i DO NOT have to sit here and TAKE it just because hes my father. I DON'T.

 

so PLEASE stop telling me that i need to be careful and consider the consequences, and that i should consider staying in an EMOTIONALLY ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP. I have. For about 10 years. 

 

Like I said, it is your choice.  My father is also a horrible person.  Probably one of the worst people I know.  But I accept that he is a horrible person.  I don't expect him to be a good person.  I take him for what he is.  I'm not telling you what to do, I'm just offering some thoughts.  As somebody who has been through physical and emotional abuse I understand you to some extent, or at least I'm trying to.

 

I'm obviously making you angry, but that isn't my intent.  I've just always been opposed to cutting people out of your life.  It's hard, but usually there is a way to find some common ground.

[Adrianime]

This may be hard to hear... but sometimes we can't have the relationship we would like to with a parent. I have a parent who is personality disordered (BPD/NPD) and after many many painful years, and a lot of therapy I finally realized that this person is incapable of ever giving me the love I wanted, no - needed. It's a tough go... and unfortunately you heard wrong - although PD's do seem to 'mellow' a little (in public anyway) sometimes they frequently also get worse with age, and there is no cure for personality disorders (yet anyway) The frustrations of aging can contribute to the crazies. (go check out BPDFamily - good support there for family members of BPD people, and a ton of info)  http://bpdfamily.com/

 

As bad as I wanted it and as hard as I tried... it couldn't work because this parent (it was my mother) were not able to accept me for who I am, and not what she wanted me to be.

 

I was 42 when I finally realized that and had to grieve the 'loss' of a parent. I now only interact with this parent on a very 'low contact' basis, it's the only way I can keep sane and balanced.

 

I don't know what you need to do, but you are an adult now, with a life of your own... please think carefully... and don't waste too much time maybe hoping for something that may not be possible.

 

Congrats on your school stuff!  and your upcoming marriage!

 

hugs

 

My dad also has been diagnosed with BPD and some other stuff.  I don't waste time expecting things from him that he will never give.  But I can at least see him a few times a year.

[sarahinprogress]

This may be hard to hear... but sometimes we can't have the relationship we would like to with a parent. I have a parent who is personality disordered (BPD/NPD) and after many many painful years, and a lot of therapy I finally realized that this person is incapable of ever giving me the love I wanted, no - needed. It's a tough go... and unfortunately you heard wrong - although PD's do seem to 'mellow' a little (in public anyway) sometimes they frequently also get worse with age, and there is no cure for personality disorders (yet anyway) The frustrations of aging can contribute to the crazies. (go check out BPDFamily - good support there for family members of BPD people, and a ton of info)  http://bpdfamily.com/

 

As bad as I wanted it and as hard as I tried... it couldn't work because this parent (it was my mother) were not able to accept me for who I am, and not what she wanted me to be.

 

I was 42 when I finally realized that and had to grieve the 'loss' of a parent. I now only interact with this parent on a very 'low contact' basis, it's the only way I can keep sane and balanced.

 

I don't know what you need to do, but you are an adult now, with a life of your own... please think carefully... and don't waste too much time maybe hoping for something that may not be possible.

 

Congrats on your school stuff!  and your upcoming marriage!

 

hugs

Thank you! thank you for the resource, i didnt even think to look for something like that. 

i think it so hard for me because i accepted for so long what my father said about his diagnosis: that it was a throwaway diagnosis, not really applicable. 

Its still hard for me to wrap my head around and accept that he IS personality disordered, and probably always will be.

 

And this is one thing i think my mother is in denial about: i tried to talk to her about BPD the other day and she just kind of brushed it off.

[RipVanWinkle]

Ravenstar gets it right every time (Well,. maybe virtually all the time). It's obvious from what you've said that your father thinks of you as his toy. It happens sometimes, particularly with fathers and daughters. But your roles have reversed: He's the child and your the parent. I suggest that you must set the parameters of your relationship with him as adult to adult. It's tough, I know, but it must be done. My wife had to do it with her father. Not fun, but it made a big difference. Good luck.   bill

[sarahinprogress]

my mother came downstairs because I was crying to loud and hard and told me that my father told her he thinks he handled everything badly and overreacted.

 

then she said that everything that happened and the damage in my fathers and my relationship is partially my fault because I lied to them by not telling them that I didn't believe and pretending I was still a Christian and that it was a slap in their faces when I told them I'm not, and that I should take some of the blame because I didn't tell them the truth sooner.

 

I fucking hate religion and I can't fucking cope with anything right now.

[Ravenstar]

(No, I don't think I do.. but aww shucks, thanks  )

 

All you can do for your mom is give her the resource... and then let it go, unless she brings it up. Then you can just be there for her to talk. They have a relationship that ... (sorry) doesn't include you... sort of. Shifting from parent/child to an adult to adult relationship is hard, but it may be easier for your mom once there's some space. It will change the dynamics of all the relationships involved. Once you are out on your own and she knows you are okay then she can look at the rest of her life.  ...It's a mom thing.

 

Remember that we can't fix other people... especially people we are emotionally involved with. The best thing we can do for others is be healthy ourselves.. and model those boundaries, but with kindness and respect... a hard learned lesson for me.

 

You'll be fine... you've got a great head start on creating a good life for yourself.

[Ravenstar]

my mother came downstairs because I was crying to loud and hard and told me that my father told her he thinks he handled everything badly and overreacted.

 

then she said that everything that happened and the damage in my fathers and my relationship is partially my fault because I lied to them by not telling them that I didn't believe and pretending I was still a Christian and that it was a slap in their faces when I told them I'm not, and that I should take some of the blame because I didn't tell them the truth sooner.

 

I fucking hate religion and I can't fucking cope with anything right now.

OMG

 

This is classic BPD 'hoovering'... when they feel they are losing control they turn on the guilt and emotional stuff.. don't play the game. You've been manipulated from day one... and did nothing wrong. Remember that... you were FORCED to go to church, remember? He held your very sense of safety and security over your head... nope, that's bullshit.

 

*sigh*  Stay strong, you are on the right track...

[sarahinprogress]

for anyone interested

[sarahinprogress]

and here's everything beginning to end so far:

[sarahinprogress]

con't:

[mymistake]

Wow.  It sounds like your Dad is a real nut.

 

I can't remember if I said so in this thread but I cut my Dad off.  For some people it is the right thing to do.  Let's face it some people are born with a bad father.  It's the luck of the draw.  However we all are hard wired to love our parents and desire a relationship with them.  It has to do with how the human brain is social.  For some people it just isn't a good idea.  Duckiegirl, you alone will know what you can live with.  If your father will not behave himself and meet your bare minimum standards do not feel guilty doing whatever it takes to protect yourself.

[Guest MadameX]

Whoa. Totally is over the top (referring to the texts). Can you get a therapists' help? This is some big time manipulation and emotional blackmail you are being subjected to. 

[sarahinprogress]

Whoa. Totally is over the top (referring to the texts). Can you get a therapists' help? This is some big time manipulation and emotional blackmail you are being subjected to. 

i sat in my car in the library parking lot for an hour completely mentally and emotionally shut down. I have no idea what to do anymore. 

I am so conflicted and guilty and hurting and angry and outraged and i just

i cant cope.

i cant do this anymore.

[sarahinprogress]

Wow.  It sounds like your Dad is a real nut.

 

I can't remember if I said so in this thread but I cut my Dad off.  For some people it is the right thing to do.  Let's face it some people are born with a bad father.  It's the luck of the draw.  However we all are hard wired to love our parents and desire a relationship with them.  It has to do with how the human brain is social.  For some people it just isn't a good idea.  Duckiegirl, you alone will know what you can life with.  If your father will not behave himself and meet your bare minimum standards do not feel guilty  doing whatever it takes to protect yourself.

thank you, i think you did say that before. thank you.

[mymistake]

 

Whoa. Totally is over the top (referring to the texts). Can you get a therapists' help? This is some big time manipulation and emotional blackmail you are being subjected to. 

i sat in my car in the library parking lot for an hour completely mentally and emotionally shut down. I have no idea what to do anymore. 

I am so conflicted and guilty and hurting and angry and outraged and i just

i cant cope.

i cant do this anymore.

 

One way to measure this stuff is by how much it disrupts your life.  If this stressed you out so much that you couldn't function for an hour then that is a big problem.  Getting married is stressful enough without a manipulative family member trying to steal your attention.