My Father Is Becoming A Pastor

[wndwalkr99]

 

He told me if i marry my boyfriend he will not come to my wedding, he will not give me away.

 

 

There is so much to address in your post and I will take this sentence on as my pet post.

 

The "giving away" has taken the form of something so sweet it is sickening, but it is a wolf in sheeps' clothing, so to speak. It is a tradition distilled from the disgusting remnants of a society in which a father owns his daughter until he gives her to another man. And it is "traditions" like this one, retrofitted to meld into our society, that impede the progress of women towards true equality.

 

You do not belong to your father, and as such you are not his to give away. When and if you marry, you will not belong to your husband either.

 

His refusal to give you away is a gift. Take it and run...

[ConureDelSol]

Just some support, Duckie, I'm also hoping to get into a nursing program... Perhaps you could try taking a CNA class or applying to an LPN program? If you get accepted into an LPN program, it might be easier for you to get into a bridge program for LPN to RN. I am a certified pharmacy technician, have taken an EMT course (nevermind that I never got my certification), and have two elderly grandparents that I'm constantly learning how to take care of. My knowledge of how to handle people medically has gone through the roof in the last few years just because of that and I'm hoping it will help make me like a better candidate.

 

I know for a fact I'll probably have to take one anatomy class over again because even though I passed it, the grade wouldn't be high enough to give me a good GPA. You have to strive for all B's and A's. Are you applying to community colleges? Those are usually the best as far as acceptance, free tutoring and tuition.

 

Now as for what to do with those books? Just collect them and put them all on his bed. If you keep doing that, he may get the message that you're not interested in his idiotic books.

[sarahinprogress]

Wow--he should take some time to study for himself... Evid3nc3 vids speak to the origins of language a bit. Maybe you can start him on those: http://www.youtube.com/user/Evid3nc3

 

He can check the sources mentioned.

 

I love him! I'll check it out.

 

I should probably clarify: he has done some

Studying about it and wAs asking ME if I had ever done any, I hadn't so I didnt know how to refute

What he was saying >_<

[sarahinprogress]

As much as I dislike Wikipedia as a serious source for scholarly study, it is a nice start if he's just beginning to dive into human history like this and it'll usually cite more scholarly sources so he can look stuff up if he wants more info. It's early and I'm pre-coffee but I think what he wants are paleo-anthropology works. If he's looking into it seriously, I notice The Recursive Mind got 5 stars on Amazon. If he wants something less scholarly and more playful, I can attest that The Mother Tongue is a quick, witty, fantastic read about specifically English's evolution, but it does devote a chapter to the development of language in general. (Spoiler: the Tower of Babel gets short shrift.)

oh thank you! These are perfect. See

My not above clarifying what I meant =]

 

But I'll def start looking into some of these!

[sarahinprogress]

As much as I dislike Wikipedia as a serious source for scholarly study, it is a nice start if he's just beginning to dive into human history like this and it'll usually cite more scholarly sources so he can look stuff up if he wants more info. It's early and I'm pre-coffee but I think what he wants are paleo-anthropology works. If he's looking into it seriously, I notice The Recursive Mind got 5 stars on Amazon. If he wants something less scholarly and more playful, I can attest that The Mother Tongue is a quick, witty, fantastic read about specifically English's evolution, but it does devote a chapter to the development of language in general. (Spoiler: the Tower of Babel gets short shrift.)

oh thank you! These are perfect. See

My not above clarifying what I meant =]

 

But I'll def start looking into some of these!

[sarahinprogress]

 

He told me if i marry my boyfriend he will not come to my wedding, he will not give me away.

 

 

There is so much to address in your post and I will take this sentence on as my pet post.

 

The "giving away" has taken the form of something so sweet it is sickening, but it is a wolf in sheeps' clothing, so to speak. It is a tradition distilled from the disgusting remnants of a society in which a father owns his daughter until he gives her to another man. And it is "traditions" like this one, retrofitted to meld into our society, that impede the progress of women towards true equality.

 

You do not belong to your father, and as such you are not his to give away. When and if you marry, you will not belong to your husband either.

 

His refusal to give you away is a gift. Take it and run...

thank you! Yes, I'm pretty much over him saying that. What hurts more is that he has said he won't come to our wedding at all if we get married, and while I don't agree with him most of the time, he IS my father and I love him. But I know now that his not coming is on him and has nothing to do with me

[sarahinprogress]

Has he never heard of the Rosetta Stone? Or heck, how about cave paintings showing what is really the earliest form of a written record of what man was seeing?

he said that the cave painting are only interpreted as the earliest writings. =|

[sarahinprogress]

Just some support, Duckie, I'm also hoping to get into a nursing program... Perhaps you could try taking a CNA class or applying to an LPN program? If you get accepted into an LPN program, it might be easier for you to get into a bridge program for LPN to RN. I am a certified pharmacy technician, have taken an EMT course (nevermind that I never got my certification), and have two elderly grandparents that I'm constantly learning how to take care of. My knowledge of how to handle people medically has gone through the roof in the last few years just because of that and I'm hoping it will help make me like a better candidate.

 

I know for a fact I'll probably have to take one anatomy class over again because even though I passed it, the grade wouldn't be high enough to give me a good GPA. You have to strive for all B's and A's. Are you applying to community colleges? Those are usually the best as far as acceptance, free tutoring and tuition.

 

Now as for what to do with those books? Just collect them and put them all on his bed. If you keep doing that, he may get the message that you're not interested in his idiotic books.

yes! I'm trying to get into a psych tech program right now at the same school. I've been accepted into the Pre-class and just have to take a test on some anatomy and physiology stuff which I already know. =] then try to fight my way past all the other applicants. >_< wish me luck!

[sarahinprogress]

Any other resources are greatly appreciated =]

[Akheia]

You know, given that your father's ownership of you has been rejected by you, it's not a bad thing that he acknowledges that fact by not giving you away at your wedding. You could look at this refusal as a very positive thing. I sure would. It proves you aren't his property to dispose of as he pleases.

[sarahinprogress]

You know, given that your father's ownership of you has been rejected by you, it's not a bad thing that he acknowledges that fact by not giving you away at your wedding. You could look at this refusal as a very positive thing. I sure would. It proves you aren't his property to dispose of as he pleases.

 

 

yeah, its not so much about the giving away any more, as the "not coming at all" i mean he IS my father, and i do want to have a father-daughter dance, and know that he wants to be there and be a part of the life i am making

[SusanStoHeli]

A lot of the time, that's all an exaggerated threat, to manipulate you. I'd worry about that when it comes time for you to actually marry.

[ToonForever]

You know, given that your father's ownership of you has been rejected by you, it's not a bad thing that he acknowledges that fact by not giving you away at your wedding. You could look at this refusal as a very positive thing. I sure would. It proves you aren't his property to dispose of as he pleases.

 

 

yeah, its not so much about the giving away any more, as the "not coming at all" i mean he IS my father, and i do want to have a father-daughter dance, and know that he wants to be there and be a part of the life i am making

 

It will be his regret much more than yours. Trust me. You'll be sad for him more than yourself. You'll make that day your day with your husband, and he won't be able to take that away from you. He will miss it if he so chooses, and he will go to the end of his days wishing he'd been there after all.

 

If push comes to shove, you might even tell him that. Make it clear that this is your life, and he's welcome in it, but on your terms.

 

I just read through this whole thread for the first time. I feel for you, I really do. Your dad has been mentally abusing you, make no mistake. Don't sugarcoat it. I think your mom will keep him from doing something stupid. She sounds torn, confused, but not quite so far gone.

 

Also, I find his 98% accuracy remark interesting. That's how I started down my slippery slope. It honestly sounds like you've thrown a few flies in the ointment that he can't quite figure out. Here's hoping you've planted some seeds of doubt to give him an eventual path out. There's always hope, I think, but what do I know? Religion is so poisonous. It takes arbitrary things that are 1.) no big deal and 2.) nobody's fucking business, and makes them dividing lines, breaking relationships, causing rifts and arguments. I do hope your parents find their way out eventually, but most of all I hope you continue to get free of them.

 

It's their privilege to have you as a daughter. They need to figure that out.

 

Cheers.

[jdog]

I don't know why you keep conversing with him if all he can do is be rude to you about boyfriend, future possible marriage, throw books on your bed expecting you to read them and the only topic he can talk with you about is God and the bible and religion. You have more patience than me.

 

Have you ever said to him that you would like to talk about something else. Let's change the subject dad. It seems he will ask you a question. eg. the writing. you come up with your answer, your point of view...and he will have his retort for it. why feed into his game? why answer his questions?

 

I couldn't stand living in an atmosphere like the one you are living in. In fact i did live in an abusive home and left by the age of 18.

 

It is bugging me that you can't get out. LOL

[sarahinprogress]

I don't know why you keep conversing with him if all he can do is be rude to you about boyfriend, future possible marriage, throw books on your bed expecting you to read them and the only topic he can talk with you about is God and the bible and religion. You have more patience than me.

 

Have you ever said to him that you would like to talk about something else. Let's change the subject dad. It seems he will ask you a question. eg. the writing. you come up with your answer, your point of view...and he will have his retort for it. why feed into his game? why answer his questions?

 

I couldn't stand living in an atmosphere like the one you are living in. In fact i did live in an abusive home and left by the age of 18.

 

It is bugging me that you can't get out. LOL

 

1. Because he's my father and i love him , no matter what he is or does. I can't stop loving him for something he honestly believes.

2. because he IS trying to actually TALK to me for the first time in my life, instead of just talking AT me, and i really appreciate it.

3. yeah, i will be leaving as soon as i can, but right now i just need to find a better job, and i need the support of my parents to do so.

[midniterider]

edit: so today my dad bought her an iPad, after she cancelled the movie date they were supposed to go on.

 

this has happened so many times in my life!

 

mom and dad fight -> mom is right - > dad is stubborn -> mom goes silent -> dad buys her gifts and is extra nice. gah!

 

Hey Duckie

 

Do you realise that this is a washed out version of the domestic violence cycle?

 

Woman gets beaten up. Woman goes to the womens refuge. Man contacts her at the refuge. Brings flowers and chocolates and says it will never happen again. A couple of months later .........

 

oh i totally know this, we have the honeymoon phase around here quite often, followed by grumpy/angry/confrontational father.

 

If i ever told my mother that though, shed be in deep denial. she asked me recently if i thought my father was just crazy and i told her a very watered down and gentle version of "yes" =/ she just doesnt see it.

 

You think he would be a happy go lucky guy being a Christian and all :-)

[Akheia]

You know, given that your father's ownership of you has been rejected by you, it's not a bad thing that he acknowledges that fact by not giving you away at your wedding. You could look at this refusal as a very positive thing. I sure would. It proves you aren't his property to dispose of as he pleases.

 

 

yeah, its not so much about the giving away any more, as the "not coming at all" i mean he IS my father, and i do want to have a father-daughter dance, and know that he wants to be there and be a part of the life i am making

 

The mere threat he's making shows that he's trying to manipulate you and force you back to his way of thinking. He's extorting you, plain and simple. Duckie, sweetie, you're going to have a great wedding if you decide to have one, and you're going to be so busy that if you think about him much at all, it'll be in passing. You will not be spending your wedding day crying over your father's absence. You're going to have a great time regardless with the family and friends who truly love you. If he's not there, as others have said, it will be because he chose not to be there, and it'll be his lifetime regret, not yours. But he wants you to think otherwise, and he's doing his best to inject doubt and fear into you.

 

The worst thing, bar none, that a controller can ever face is irrelevance. But in the case of your wedding, he and his threats are utterly irrelevant. Keep that in the forefront. If he threatens not to show up, that's when you put on a big smile and tell him "If that's what you think will make you happy, Daddy, then I appreciate your telling me now before it became an issue. I'll do you the courtesy of not inviting you." Then write him off. If he wants back into your life, he knows where you are.

[wndwalkr99]

 

He told me if i marry my boyfriend he will not come to my wedding, he will not give me away.

 

 

There is so much to address in your post and I will take this sentence on as my pet post.

 

The "giving away" has taken the form of something so sweet it is sickening, but it is a wolf in sheeps' clothing, so to speak. It is a tradition distilled from the disgusting remnants of a society in which a father owns his daughter until he gives her to another man. And it is "traditions" like this one, retrofitted to meld into our society, that impede the progress of women towards true equality.

 

You do not belong to your father, and as such you are not his to give away. When and if you marry, you will not belong to your husband either.

 

His refusal to give you away is a gift. Take it and run...

thank you! Yes, I'm pretty much over him saying that. What hurts more is that he has said he won't come to our wedding at all if we get married, and while I don't agree with him most of the time, he IS my father and I love him. But I know now that his not coming is on him and has nothing to do with me

 

There's a chance he will change his mind about that, when the time comes and he realizes what he's about to miss. But if he persists in his intention, you'll just have to consider it his loss. Don't put your life or your intellectual integrity on hold for him.

 

 

[sarahinprogress]

WHO wants to hear the letter i got from the church today?

 

ACCUSATION AGAINST AN OFFENDER

 

Elder (MY FATHER)

 

Against

 

SARAH (me)

 

 

 

I, (my father), the accuser in this accusation brought by me against Sarah (my daughter), the accused before the Spiritual Council of (his church), do hereby state as a member in good standing of (his church) having last communed at the Lord’s Supper Celebrated on February 18^th 2012 last and being a regular contributor to said church; that before bringing this accusation, the law of the Church as laid down in Matthew 18 of the Word of God, was duly observed by the accuser but the offer was not accepted by the accused, and that I have good and sufficient reason to believe the facts set forth in following charges to be true and correct, and I am not actuated by malice or ill-will in making the charges herein contained.

 

And now, I, the said accuser (my father) Father of Sarah, say,

 

That she the accused, Sarah (me), is guilty of confessed fornication with multiple (number unknown) partners over the course of several years which she admitted to upon confrontation on or about September 12^th of 2011. That following several weeks Sarah was presented with a written letter instructing her to repent of her confessed sins and be restored to the full fellowship of the faith with her mother and myself, or face the consequences which would follow. Sarah did refuse to repent, further she denies any previous confession of faith, and has come to the Lords Table over the course of several years without true confession of sins as a matter of deceit to prevent the questioning of her parents, especially her father. Finally she remains in rebellion to the faith, and believes she has done nothing wrong.

 

Specification 1. Lying and deception. In this, that on the approximate date and

during the course of conversation noted above, Sarah did confess to having kept

hidden several fornications, and that while she had spoken the words of repentance with regard to her action, when approaching the Lords Table she believed had done nothing wrong. Sarah, kept these sins hidden knowing they were condemned by the Church, her parents, and to avoid confrontation and loss of financial support from her family.

 

Specificaion 2. Denial of the Faith. Sarah when questions about her profession of faith in Christ did deny Christ as the Living Savior stating “I believe he was a man.” And upon further questioning stated she had partaken of the Lords table for several years while having practiced fornication noted above and with a conviction she had done nothing wrong. She attends church presently as an agreement with her parents which allows her to remain living at home under the adherence of strict rules.

 

Specification 3. Refusal to repent of sins. That upon confrontation after having allowed several months to pass during which Sarah was spoken to about these matters by both her mother and myself, did with a witness present confirm the sins listed above in specification 1 and 2 and in the presences of the witness and denied openly her faith. Sarah also stated her membership vows in the Church were taken under duress as my daughter to avoid conflict, and that she had maintained her participation in with the Church to continue receiving and accepting out support over the course of more than 4 years in which the intervening circumstances of fornication, lying and knowingly partaking of the Lord’s Table in sin without true repentance were being practiced.

 

I, Elder (my father), do submit these facts into evidence and ask the Spiritual Council of (his church) to take up the discipline of Matthew 18 as provided in the law of God to seek correction of Sarah in the above listed matters.

 

Respectfully submitted the 15^th day of April, in the Year of our Lord 2012.

 

[sarahinprogress]

oh, and this:

 

Dear Sarah,

 

We greet you in the name of our Lord and Savior Jesus Christ, the Chief Shepard of the Church. As you are aware, the Scriptures teach that God created all things and that everything is under His sovereign rule and providence. Thus we are each accountable to Him. Furthermore, in your church membership vows, you promised to both God and man to “submit in the Lord to the government of this church, and in case you should be found delinquent in doctrine or life, to obey its discipline.”

 

In light of this agreement, the Spiritual Council of (fathers church) has received a formal accusation against you from Elder (my father). Attached is a copy. Prior to any action by the Spiritual Council, we request to meet with you to discuss these charges. We would like to schedule a meeting for Tuesday evening July 24^th, 2012, at 7:00 PM at (the church building). If this time or date conflicts with previous obligations or your work schedule please contact me so we can find a more appropriate date and time. We, the Spiritual Council, send this letter with deep humility to our Lord Jesus Christ and a complete reliance upon Him as our Savior, for it is in His care that we all live.

 

In Christ,

 

(elders signature)

[CDFree]

I hope you've told them to take a flying jump!!!

[sarahinprogress]

I hope you've told them to take a flying jump!!!

I really can't. Right now, i HAVE to live with my parents, at least for the next year. So i have to put up with all this shit until i leave. bleh

[Guest Valk0010]

You said you had a boyfriend right?

[sarahinprogress]

You said you had a boyfriend right?

yes, he is also living with his parents while in school

 

[sarahinprogress]

You said you had a boyfriend right?

yes, he is also living with his parents while in school