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Singing a NEW song now...songs of an EX christian

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NEWsong

 

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I love to read and learn.

 

I have read a library full of books and delved into great thoughts with reckless abandon. That is until I became a christian.

 

After I "gave my life to Jesus", since I "was no longer my own" but I was "bought with a price", I didn't have the right to run my life and think great thoughts and follow great thinkers...

 

I had to follow Jesus...that was it.

 

 

I am NO LONGER a christian. I have seen myself, accepted my beliefs and have lived as an EX christian for almost two years. I really have never taken a fighting stance that I needed to protect, preserve and perpetuate my decisions. The reasons for this blog is to allow myself to continue to think through all the areas of my life, my experiences and the beliefs that brought them to me and share them with you, others how are seeking the ability to see life as it truly is...to think critically and logically and love deeply and passionately.

 

When I had become a christian, I gave up "childish things"...like thinking. No really, that is the mainstream christian undercurrent of thought. Once you become a christian, "God" does the thinking for you. If something happens in your life, it was "meant to happen" to allow God to show his grace upon you or to teach you a much needed lesson because you have allowed pride and self-centeredness to rule your life and relationships. A logical thought, not supported by scripture, was not only not expected but not welcome in christian circles. There was no asking of "why" I would believe this or that but that I "should not believe it" because it was "not scriptural"...In abuse circles, we call this "circular reasoning". The "Bible" was inerrant and was a "plum line" for all truth. If any statement contradicted it in any way, then the statement was false. Period. So much for thinking.

 

As much as it may seem impossible, I am not bitter about my life and being kept in the dark while being a christian. I understand that those who live that life, as I had done, live it with possibly the same fervor and conviction that I had. I was "saved and sanctified". Funny thing is...I am STILL saved and sanctified. If you believe in the "once saved always saved" then I have not "lost my salvation" but "coming to the truth"...but indeed I have FOUND my salvation IN the truth. The truth has truly "set me free" from the "power of sin and death".

 

As with many christians, I had also sought quick answers to life's problems. The meaning and purpose of life was made certain by believing and following the christian doctrine. It was a nicely wrapped package complete with a cute little bow on top. I had everything that I thought I needed for a life "of godliness" but again, ironically, I STILL have a deep rooted understanding of "the meaning of life" and my purpose in it. Maybe even greater than I had while I was a christian. It was not such a quick fix for me as an ex-christian but it was my journey. It is my life. And I am not looking for anyone else to give me meaning or purpose but seeking to live honestly, whole-heartedly and "thoughtfully".

 

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If you are in the process of deconversion or may have questions regarding why you are reading this blog, please leave a comment for me. I would love to converse with you and share even more of the things that I have learned about myself, life and how I became an ex-christian.

 

This is a "learning blog"...a tool of self-discovery and life enhancement. My life did not begin when I became a christian, my life began when I realized that religion was no "quick fix" and I challenged myself to think for myself. You can too.

NEWsong

blog-0197982001362141661.jpgI am glad that I WOKE UP. I am really glad that I no longer live WITHIN the constraints of life according to an unseen "sky friend" and the "doctrine" that the community perpetuated. I don't miss it. I don't miss "him". I began to realize this shortly AFTER my deconversion started June 2011. It was pretty much complete by August and by November I felt comfortable saying to others that I was "no longer a christian". I had FOUND my life...and it was "not hid" in an invisible sky friend like I was told...IT WAS HID in plain view and all I had to do was WAKE UP and open my eyes to see it.

 

Why do we struggle with WHAT WE KNOW to be true and want to protect it as if WE were being attacked when we find contradictions, myth and irrationality??? Why do we have such a hard time accepting ourselves for AS WE ARE??? Why did I have to "become a sinner, in order to be saved?"...Didn't I KNOW my self-worth and was I REALLY that needy that I had to be LOVED BY GOD in order to validate my purpose in life. How very sad is this. I realize NOW that those who are still in religion are "asleep", their own scriptures even say that those who are "dead in Christ" are "asleep"...and they don't want to wake up...they WANT to stay "hid", "asleep" and for the most part, truly DEAD.

 

I am "over" wanting to find a christian-like community for my musical outlet. I have found three community choirs. The first one was not a "good fit", it just didn't feel right...they were practicing one song that I had sung in the Presbyterian church before I "gave my life" away to God. I looked again and found a nice little community choir close to home, I went and I am committed. FUN. People are genuinely interested in having fun with music, performing and enjoying singing. But that was not quite enough. I was steered toward a more professional group by the director of the last group and will be attending their concert and then rehearsal this coming weekend and next week. I have found "a niche" for my musical outlet...it feels good.

 

 

I needed this past few years to "regroup"...I needed to WAKE UP from my slumber of comfort of self-affirming myth to FIND MYSELF...and you know what??? I am REALLY happy about it.

 

Living life AWAKE is a good thing!!!!

NEWsong

No More Fooling Around

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As christian, I obviously "believed what isn't true" and perpetuated the DELUSION of peace supposedly given to me by religion and I remained "in the christian box". I actually thought it was a "good life".

Since I have broken out of that box, I realized that to NOT believe what is NOT true was only secondly important to "refusing to accept what IS true" and that is where I am TODAY.I am on a healing journey of acceptance and I don't have the time or energy to waste in fooling around with rainbows and unicorns. I have checked myself at every decision to make sure that "what I believe IS true" to the best of my discernment. I no longer live in a delusional, "feel good", false-acceptance-belonging world of "religion" in order to stroke my self-esteem or confirm my talents and pride. NO. I have much more to learn and believe and I will not waste my time on anymore hopeful wishing...

 

 

This is where it meets my present day. I am NO LONGER HOPEFULLY WISHING for things and people to be different in my life. I dispelled the delusion of religion over the past several years and within that past 15 months began to get much clarity in all areas of my life, including past abuse of an ex-spouse. When I allowed myself to see him "as he is" without my christian expectations or demands bringing in frustration, obligation and guilt (FOG-quoted by Susan Forward in the book, Emotional Blackmail) I could then and only then, accept him for what and who he was...an abusive, controlling misogynistic man who pretended to be a christian. This was a MAJOR hurdle to overcome and while thinking "within the christian box" it could not clearly be seen and accepted. I accepted THE TRUTH of his behavior and was able to analyze and categorize it as NOT being "christian" but it actually made itself clearly "verbal and emotional abuse.

 

I also have gotten clarity in my life and have learned to "ACCEPT THE TRUTH" of what IS rather than continuing to believe that I am "living my dream come true", I have stated to myself that it seems to have turned into my "worst nightmare" regarding dealing with a loved one who, however wonderful he may be, seems to not be living the same kind of life that he and I seemed to agree to have between us in the beginning.

 

It all started, again, nearly two years ago when I contacted him after a LONG separation. I actually thought I might NEVER see him again but I followed my heart and sought my dream to find out if we had actually loved each other so many years ago and if he STILL loved me as I had him all these years. It was a great love story, we were so happy to be together. Touching each other, laughing, smiling and talking about what we are going to do the rest of our lives NOW that we had each other and were together again. We even agreed in a covenant that "NEVER AGAIN" would be our motto...we would NOT allow anyone else or any disruptive, unproductive and destructive behaviors by either of us to cause us to separate again.

 

It wasn't until AFTER we had reunited, did I begin to look back upon our turbulent past, being reminded of his anger and rage, his controlling behavior and how disrespected and unloved that I felt at times when I was "cast aside" for some THING that was more important to him than our relationship or me as a woman. Yes, I remember now how the DRAMA that occurred had a much deeper root. A deeper truth that I did not understand at the time. I thought that maybe he was "just young" and not good at relationships due to his abusive father or estranged family and that he didn't have friends because he was so intelligent that many could not understand him and love him as I did...I was right. THERE WAS something much deeper, more pervasive and still less obvious at the time, because I was NOT WILLING TO SEE THE TRUTH and rather created a nice delusion for me to believe. That was then.

 

Now, I have learned to accept the INSIDIOUS and UGLY TRUTH that I have NOT wanted to face. I have been searching for answers of how this dream of ours has devolved into a nightmare that I could not have imagined. I have always been very introspective, been in counseling for many "adjustment disorders" within my life and know that I am a loving, sensitive and compassionate woman and human being. I still have friends who speak highly of me and to me. They know that I am strong and that I love deeply. For all of this, how can a "once in a lifetime love" turn into what it has become? I have done ALL that I could do to "get us help" up to and including not only counseling for us as a couple, which he has refused but counseling for myself. I need to continue to "stay in the moment" and see my situation "as it really is"...

 

I am despairingly saddened by the broken promises and the lack of continuation of what I thought was true love. I see a resorting to past behavior. Addiction. Withdrawal. Attacking speech. All from the man whom I love.

 

I am no longer in denial. I have no "christian box" to protect me from this truth. I have faced it and I am not a fool...anymore.

NEWsong

blog-0583772001358877657.jpgWow, do I have a story for you!!! (Long but concise and relevant to deconversion from christianity; a tragic but true love story in brief )

 

A story of a young man and woman; first loves at college but 3 years into the passionate bond she becomes a christian and within 4 months TO THE DAY, they separate. She thought that she would NEVER see him again; he has been controlling and impulsive, passionate but EXTREME, highly intelligent but emotionally unstable...she had to MOVE ON and find a "nice christian boy"...

 

She married TWO of them. The first one was a porn addict and a bit obsessive compulsive, lazy but posed no threat to body or soul. The second, brings with him a daughter and gives her a wonderful son. He is OCD and Narcissistic to the point of not only controlling her life but sabotaging her relationship with her step daughter, trying to get her fired from her employment of 22 years, sponging off of her while she works, pays the medical premiums and provides for his daughter. Well, she divorces them both, obviously and moves out from her son's father's home to establish their own home, like neither she or he had ever had.

 

She and her son are living happily; fully supported by her and receiving NO assistance of child support, etc from her son's father. She finds herself and her talents; continues with her love of music and singing. She has found community in church and music that fulfills and challenges her socially and musically.

 

She works at healing from neglect from her Narcissistic father and OCD/Narc 2nd husband and rejection by his daughter.

 

She begins to learn to dream again...she thinks of her "first love". Of course, he must have JUST been immature (she had become a christian and he hadn't; maybe he has had a change of heart and mind) and she LONGS to see him. She finds that not only is he divorced; for the second time, just like her but that his mother had passed away; seemingly recently. With sincere desire to see him and urgency to not lose him forever, she contacts him and they reunite...seeing each other for the first time in over 25 years. The reunion sets off fireworks. It was REAL...true love really does exist...they agree upon marriage right away and upon relocation where she gives away her furniture and takes on the necessary items with her, she moves and takes her son with her. Her AND his dream has come true. They are so happy and say that they "feel sorry for people who don't have a love like ours"...He had tried to unite with her for nearly two years after their initial break up (which was the last of several "revolving door" breakups over 6 months) with NO response from her on two occasions and no sight of her on too many too count.

 

After reuniting, his behavior revealed a fearful "issue"...and in a few weeks, prior to any nuptials, she is horrified to discover, not that he hadn't become a christian but the REASON for their tragic breakup; whirlwind reunion and excitement...he is mentally ill...an intelligent, passionate but extreme and impulsive now, not so young man. She reads about BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER and realizes that this is exactly what she is facing. It is horrific. The past takes on new meaning with increasing clarity. She has always loved and has fatefully reunited with a man who behaves just as he did so many years ago. She realizes that IF she were a Christian, she would be sorely mad at God for doing this to her. She rather shakes her head to the sadly tumultuous turn of events and revelation that she can no longer deny.

 

The path that she has taken, the once fascinating and beautiful dream that she had followed has shattered. She is now an EX christian and finding it ironic that she "has no one to pray to" and no reason to think that he is anything but what and who he truly is. She doesn't believe that he is demon possessed. She no longer feels, as with her first AND second husbands, that he is deceived and deceiving others...no, actually he hasn't even made it that far...he is lost. Lost in his mind and emotions that swallow his life and spiraled down into gaming addiction where he loses her and this time...forever. Addiction. Release. Soothing for his pain and exclusion of her...again.

 

So what does she do while he "games" all day? She used to cry, become depressed, deal with grief of loss of her parent's deaths. No more. She is realizing that she has been SORELY BETRAYED. Anger, frustration, sadness and depression envelope her. She attends counseling alone because he will not join her. He has too much to lose (apart from her) to be seen as "mentally ill" so he chooses to LOSE HER...again. Tragic.

 

Life starts again for the woman who will not allow neither warped doctrine or twisted minds to confine her. She goes on. After leaving her life behind, giving away nearly everything, including a car, in hopes with promise of marriage, a new dining room set and a "home" for her and her son with him, she has to GO ON and start her life without him. He gave her "his word"...surely, this MUST be better than a christian's "word" since she had known TWO christian men who had NOT behaved with the insidious twists of snarling words and anger with "I DO NOT love you" as her True Love. His pain is deep and real and engulfs him. She will not be taken down with him.

 

He has said many times to her "You win"...he is so right. She DOES win. She doesn't feel like a winner but he apparently is the certain LOSER in this story. But rather than they both becoming winners, he loses her, again...and he doesn't even have God to blame for it...just himself.

NEWsong

blog-0487497001357334532.jpgWhen I look back onto 2012, it will always "be the year" that I lived FULLY as an EX Christian.

 

In 2011, I began the deconversion process in March and found that I was "deconverted" by November. It was a turbulent year with my mom being diagnosed with 4th stage cancer at the age of 87, living several states away from me to where I had not already seen her for nearly two years when she passed away in Sept 2011. I had resigned from my full time employment and relocated and my son joined us in the summer and he began a new school in August. Amidst all the personal change and loss, I found that I could no longer believe and "be" a christian. I realized how I would have prayed and cried out to God for help when I realized that I needed to comfort myself because christianity did not comfort me. It did not help me cope with life's losses nor did it give me any answers to the reason that my mom died so quickly from cancer. I "let go" and let God do whatever He wanted to do in someone else's life. I was done "waiting upon the Lord" by the time that 2011 ended. 2011 was truly a year of GREAT CHANGE (deconversion that is).

 

2012 started with DEEP realization of my life situation without all the delusion and false promises that I had accepted from a buoyed up ego. I realized that though there was a VOID in my life, it was a GOOD void and that I was going to allow LIFE to fill up the places where I had lived in denial and delusion. I started feeling better about myself and who I am and what my "purpose" in life is all about. It is no longer connected to "what I believe" or "what I do" as much as it now depends solely upon "what I love".

 

I started enjoying my life so much more in 2012 and it will always be remembered as my FIRST WHOLE YEAR as a FREE THINKER; free of religious doctrine and dogma, free from the expectations and of others as well as of myself, free to "be me" truly for the first time in a VERY long time.

 

I would like to thank Ex-Christian Net and its members for "being there" for me and providing a place where others, like myself, who NEVER could have imagined that they would ever be an EX christian, could come and share and feel welcomed and accepted.

 

I look forward to seeing what 2013 brings me and I truly hope that each of you will have the love, joy, peace and conviction of heart that you desire in this coming year...and always.

NEWsong

"tis The Season...

blog-0410884001356112483.jpgWell it is almost upon us...my second Christmas as a EX christian. I am okay with it really. I still enjoy the music and love the lights, candles, scents and sounds. I think that I am NOT annoyed by the "secular" part as much, I actually LIKE the Vintage Santa Clauses and the fun children's "Christmas" programs even more now. I have not had ANY desire to spend any part of my "Christmas celebration" in any church or with religious television programming or even listening to christian radio. It is just not a part of my life anymore and that is okay too.

 

Looking into my soul a little deeper, I would say that I enjoy LIFE at this time of year even more than I ever have. I may not have the "delusion" or "myth" that fascinates and intrigues me but I HAVE LIFE and that is a far greater gift that I have given to myself than I have ever received while I was a christian.

 

I have also received a much valued gift of a deeper sense of perspective and justice. I feel MORE deeply for the pains of others; their losses and sorrows and even more joy for those who are "rejoicing" than when I was a christian. Funny irony isn't it??? Christians are TOLD to "rejoice with those who rejoice and mourn with those who mourn"...and I am being MORE OBEDIENT to this christian mandate by LIVING MY LIFE HONESTLY...mmm...something for all christians to think about.

 

I enjoy giving and receiving gifts even more now...as though all the "pretense and pomp" is uncovered and the TRUE meaning of the gift shows through...more to ponder.

 

I am getting ready to make "Christmas cookies" and I am looking forward to spending time and laughter and CHEER with my son as we messily decorate them while our puppies look on, drooling in anticipation that we would drop one or two in their direction. I would love to find some carolers to carol with around the neighborhood. I would like to get Santa caps for our puppies (two large breed; now 8 month and 100 lbs and 15 months and 160 lbs) and put jingle bells on their collar!!! LOL. I would like to put up a small tree upon the mantle and put "snow" on the windows. I love tinsels and lights and would like them inside also but my SO has long "hated" Christmas so I am limiting myself a little this year. I have already told him that next year I was a BIG Christmas tree...I may also make it a Hanukkah bush since I used to (and would be willing) to celebrate Hanukkah yet. I seem to see this time of year with more frivolity and lightness...something that I think that I was missing with it for so many years.

 

Well, I am "thankful" for Christmas though I don't actually celebrate it anymore. I wonder WHY it is celebrated in the first place but I can see that commercialism has magnified it to the wonderful materialistic holiday that it has become. Now that I am NO LONGER A CHRISTIAN, I can enjoy the "good" parts of it and not mess with anything that I see no valuing in having in our home.

 

Anyways, I wish you a "Merry Christmas"...a wonderful time of LOVE and SHARING with your family and friends and I hope that we all can "get through it" without all the sickening stuff that we used to swallow when we were deceived.

 

It is so much better to enjoy LIFE as a free thinker isn't it????

NEWsong

Real Life

 

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Real Life

I spent YEARS believing that I was truly living but I knew, deep in my heart that I was NOT living the life that I really wanted. I was trying to live the life that I "thought I had to" live. I didn't DARE to think that I could HAVE the man that I first fell in love with in college since he was NOT a christian.

 

I had convinced myself that I would not be happy with him just because he was not a christian at the time we broke up. I continually reminded myself of this yet I did not want to free myself of the dreams I had of him; of his arms around me and his passionate lips overtaking mine. Talking with him and looking into his eyes; eyes that looked deep into my soul. How I yearned to "be known" as I felt that my Love had known me, my first love.

 

I dreamt of him while being married to a christian man with whom I "did music" with. We ministered in churches and recorded cover songs that we originally arranged and performed before so many people. I was DEEP into the christian life. I felt that he was my friend until his pornography addiction proved that his christianity was weaker than his will. He loved sin more than he loved me. I felt terribly rejected and confused. HOW could a christian man act this way? I concluded that he was NOT a christian man. We divorced.

 

I met another "christian man" a few years later and I believed that I found a REAL christian. He didn't even have a television. I was impressed and later found out that his god and his religion was control and manipulation rather than love. Another "fake". ARE there any REAL christians; any REAL men who will honor and cherish and love the woman in their life instead of USING THEM for their own glory or power???

 

Through both marriages, I KNEW that I "had been loved" by my first love and that I had loved HIM all along; he was THE man I really wanted. I did not want to admit it to myself. I was a christian. At the very least, I was EMOTIONALLY committing adultery with my first love in my dreams. I came to realize that I had committed adultery on him by marrying TWO other men; two men whom I thought could give me what I wanted in life. A christian marriage; peace, love, security and longevity. I was deluded in the least. Ignorant and stupid at the worst.

 

Have you ever TAKEN THE TIME to ask yourself "What do I REALLY want in life?" and then go after it?

 

Or did you allow the "doctrine" and rules of what you believed to BE TRUTH in your life, dictate HOW you should live your life?

 

My personal understanding of being a christian has led me to believe that being religious may have given me comfort, security and even a sense of purpose but it was NOT REAL. It was an illusion. I was deluded into thinking that I HAD TO find my happiness within the construct and when I didn't I went on to look for happiness...again, with another christian man. Both "christian marriages" turned out to be neither christian or true love. Love is not bound by religion. I found MY love without religion and that is the REAL LIFE that I enjoy today!

from June 29, 2012 from: http://livenotonevil.blogspot.com/

NEWsong

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I love this pic and message that I have found and just wanted to share it with you.

I feel that it profoundly describes the journey that many of us have traveled

and many of us are traveling with family and friends.

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We have learned SO much about ourselves.

  • We have learned that we have to tread our own path. We cannot follow others, blindly, even for the hope of community or acceptance.

  • We have learned that we will not settle for less than truth and love in our lives. A cheap imitation will not do.

  • We have had an awakening and there is "no turning back" for us. How can we travel back on a road that really was NOT THERE to begin with???? That is how I see my deconversion from christianity. There is NO WAY back because it is NOT a WAY to begin with. It was my imagination, my delusion and my denial but it was NOT a TRUE life...

  • We have learned that others do not understand that WE understand "where they are". We have learned that they could not possibly begin to understand "where WE are" because they have not been HERE. We HAVE lived lives as they still live. We have learned that this is NOT LIFE and have chosen to LIVE a REAL life instead. They cannot comprehend this.

  • We have learned that we are not "better" than them, we are just FREER. We do not have a need to stand in judgement of them as they do of us, it gains us NOTHING because TRUTH is better than delusion.

  • We have learned that we are all responsible for the life that we choose to live. I have chosen my path. I have chosen the people I want to travel with along my path. I have chosen to BE TRUE TO MYSELF and in that, be true to others I meet and with whom I have relationship.

  • We have learned that LIFE IS WHAT WE MAKE IT...really.

NEWsong

Not In The Dark

We have suffered power loss, downed electrical lines and fallen trees due to storms that recently ravaged our county. There were 25 people trapped in their cars for 4 hours due to 15 power lines that were downed and this was very close to where we live. All in all, we were out of electricity for over 59 hours. Yes, it was inconvenient. No, I didn't pray to God to save us or call on Jesus' Name when we drove back through another storm front that took out another 20,000 homes after 600,000 had been left dark in our county; the hardest hit in our state.

 

My husband and I were driving and surveying damage when we saw that several some churches seemed to be open. The thought hit me but came out of his mouth first. Though the church buildings seemed to now have power, those who were there visiting that day "were used to sitting in the dark" anyways. Just an observance. We don't laugh at them as much as I can relate to them.

 

I guess sitting in air conditioning in a church might be fine for some but I would rather "take the heat" than to stay in the dark.

 

(reposted from livenotonevil.blogspot.com)

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NEWsong

blog-0593865001337869408.jpgThey really hate it. They may even hate US. We are free and our presence, our joy and our peace, which DOES NOT COME FROM CHRISTIANITY; irks them to NO end!!!

 

We are a CONSTANT reminder that we are NO LONGER BOUND by the "christian contructs" nor do we have to live within the "christian box". They have learned to DEPEND upon God, calling themselves weak (and He is strong...yeah) and totally defiling their own power as human beings to "be a christian" to gain some sort of "worth". It is ludicrous.

 

They are really jealous. I can see with the few friends that I have told that they are NOT comfortable knowing that I "no longer believe as they do"...really??? Was our friendship BASED on sharing "our faith?"...if so, then it was NOT a friendship but a SHARED DELUSION that I no longer will subscribe to.

 

We are FREE...we no longer feel obligated, guilty or compelled to "do good" because jus because it would not be a good "christian witness" to do otherwise. HOW CONTROLLING!!! As christians, we controlled ourselves with this LIE and christians who know us NOW are wanting to STOP our freedom so that they can be comfortable in their "christian box" and not feel so "offended". Please.

 

I am really thinking about how I PUT MYSELF DOWN in order for Christ to LIFT ME UP...I was not LOW to begin with but I had to MAKE MYSELF LOW AND UNWORTHY in order to "be worthy?"...That is CRAZY!!! If there is a god and he does not love me AS I AM, then I am NOT interested in becoming less just so he can "make more out of me"...that is truly for the mentally ill and NOW I know it.

NEWsong

blog-0069668001335148042.jpgI am really happy where I am at now. I realize that the "past is in the past" and the "life" I knew as a christian was just a waste of real time. I did learn much about myself and why I married an abusive husband and why I have endured the abuse from my current borderline personality disordered spouse; whom I really love. I have learned to "take care" of others.

 

It was drilled into me as a young christian; I was only 23 at the time. I am seeing BACK with total clarity of "how I put up with" other's behavior BECAUSE I was a christian. I thought that "enduring the abuse" proved my love for my ex husband but I no longer have than knee jerk obligation; I love my husband but his abuse is getting worse all the time. Borderline Personality disorder is like that. I NO LONGER feel that I have to DENY MYSELF and my feelings in order to love him; I do love him, that is NO problem but due to his illness, he cannot, will not and doesn't seem to be trying to "hear me" regarding what is going on in our relationship. I am "painted black" now...everything I do is WRONG. Everything I say and do that causes HIM to have a "bad feeling" is my fault. This is really HELL,. I know that he is hurting but he HURTS ME in the process. I am afraid that I will stop loving him; and maybe STOP CHOOSING to continue to love him. At least it is NOT out of some religious obligation or fear that I will "not be a good wife". I am a damn good wife.

 

I know I began this entry with I am "really happy with where I am at now" and I mean it. I would rather be WITH my husband with his illness and NOT have the yoke of christianity around me that to be without him and still be disillusioned by the christian myth. I know that I TRULY love him; no matter how "black" he paints me, I will always love him and stay with him, not because "I HAVE TO" and believe me, that is a good feeling.

NEWsong

It's amazing to me to realize how differently and more honestly I have seen myself in the past 8 months or more. Surprisingly, I never felt the need to "cling to" my new identity as an ex christian like I had when I first became a christian in 1985. It has been more of a comfortable easy chair feeling and kind of like a sweet and soft realization that things really were NOT what I thought they were.

 

I think this is an explanation of why christians see us as arrogant and "too self-assured". We are not "holding onto hope" as they are; we are not "holding on for dear life" , we are "not afraid" of losing ourselves because we have FOUND our true selves in breaking the denial of our religious delusion...this causes them great panic and consternation. It angers them that we "dare" to speak as we do. We are attacking them when we speak of how we now see and understand the delusion that we once believed.

 

I feel that my self-esteem, as you could guess and best understand, was fragile when I became a christian. Becoming a christian "strengthened" me in ways that I thought was "divine" and "of God". I could associate MY self with a "higher and more powerful person" who loved me and "knew me". This attracted me. I felt that my self was enlarged and "lifted up". So many of the biblical references, now as I look back at them, use the proper terms that I once "interpreted" to be a spiritual change; it was really a perspective change and I had drunk the "koolaid".

 

I can certainly understand why those who "become christians" are so steeped in denial that "they are no longer lost"...who wants to be lost???? They desperately share their "new faith" with others; a validating that they have not received by "mortal man" ; now it is "God" who has given them their new found purpose in life.

 

As christians, we "feel loved" for the first time. We are told that we are special and unique and have been made for "greater purposes" than for what we lived for before becoming a christian. We attribute this feeling to the "work of the Holy Spirit" in our lives.

 

In all of this new found understanding, I am comfortable for the first time in my life. I don't have fear that I can "lose" it or in some way, bring wrath or judgement upon myself for daring to speak "this heresy". I have found PEACE...the illusive butterfly that all christians chase and run away from at the same time.

NEWsong

blog-0979377001330977672.jpgMy mom passed Sept 16th. This just happens to be the same day as a junior high schoolmates birthday, one I have celebrated for many years now, we just got back in touch on Facebook a few months before. Unlike my friend who I had lost contact with for many years, I had either seen my mom or spoken to her every day for the past 30 years. While she was diagnosed with cancer, moved to a facility and then shortly after that, moved to an hospice, this enabled me to break the habit of calling everyday. Her death was a blow to me. She was really "gone". I faced it head on and that is when realized that I was "no longer a christian". I was grievously aware of the void of spiritual talk and banter with others and I scrutinized every unction toward prayer. I felt alone. Really alone. I couldn't talk about this with either my brother or sister or dad. I removed myself from them and even found it difficult to make the courtesy calls to family and friends of her passing.

 

Even though there is a void of sorts by the lack of the christian lifestyle, I know that I have adapted to losing her, adjusting through my deconversion and progressing in my new life. It's amazing how much progress we can make personally when we have just a few thoughtful supportive and respectful "friends" around us at times like these. I think of the forums and here at Exchristian.net where I have felt acceptance that enabled me to work through the issues rather than deny them as I did when I was a christian.

 

Loss really affects our lives. I will never be the same. Even though my mom died at the age of 87, we had all expected her to live well into her nineties. I just wasn't ready to let her go but I had to do it anyway.

 

BTW; isn't she beautiful...

NEWsong

blog-0390552001330093286.jpg

"I am a deeply religious nonbeliever -

this is a somewhat new kind of religion."

- Albert Einstein

 

I just ran across this quote and feel like rambling a little bit about it; hope you don't mind...I certainly hope that Albert Einstein did not really mean that "it is somewhat new kind of RELIGION". After realizing how damaging and even murderous "religion" has been to the spirits of so many people (not excluding those who are STILL in delusion), I find the thought SO abhorrent!!!

 

Religion had been a set of guidelines to give structure and order to my life. It felt safe and secure to "believe in something bigger than myself" and "give myself over" to it. I speak of this as the "christian box". One pastor who I had admired up until the time of our last meeting, had previously said that "We put god in a box and then jump in there with him"...I thought that was really profound and something to consider...as being a christian; I see it IN THE LIGHT now. Our last meeting with him, he arrogantly told my husband that "People who are non believers don't feel a need to trust Christ especially if they are intelligent and wealthy; they are spiritually immature and trusting in themselves". OOOOOOOOOO, that really ticked my husband off. Being the intelligent spiritual but NOT christian man that he is; he was "kind" and did not really fire back but even told the pastor how that comment could only be seen as "insulting and arrogantly degrading".

 

So here...the Pastor who talks about "jumping into the box" with god...was telling ME to "GET BACK INTO MY christian box" so that I would not consider being with and then marrying my first love. THIS agenda; stifling true love because "he was not a christian" really WOKE ME UP.

 

I had been married to TWO, not one but TWO, "christian" men...the first one being passive aggressive porn addict (oh, but he was a christian!! rolling eyes) and the second, "controlling religious abuser good guy christian" *SO deluded as to call himself a PROPHET OF GOD...wtf??? I think that he actually is Obsessive Compulsive AND Narcissistic personality disordered or mentally ILL.

 

I will NOT be jumping into ANY boxes again. Living and thinking "outside the box" is a much better life for me!

NEWsong

blog-0286727001329316630.jpgI have had another epiphany. Upon deconversion from christianity, I see that I have been DELUDED and in denial about my loved ones borderline personality disorder as well. I have been wondering for the past year WHY he has acted in ways and raged and "lost all mental control" and allowed his emotions to engulf him to the point of not being able to even "logically talk" to him. It has been enlightening to see that my delusion of faith in christianity had affected ALL areas of my life. This angers me a bit and then again, it confirms what I have said "christianity and being married TO a christian AS a christian KEPT me in an abusive marriage". I truly believe this...

 

I am really feeling "blessed" and "grateful" to have acquired the truth and knowledge of my delusion of christianity in order to see things as they really are with my true love. I feel MORE hopeful of his ability to overcome his inner turmoil and "take control" of himself so we can have the wonderful life and love that WE BOTH KNOW that we have...it is just being overshadowed by the BPD "demon". I have suggested counseling and am going to "stand by my man"...

 

Thanks for reading; comments are VERY appreciated. Anyone have a relationship with a personality disordered person??? Would love to talk more about it (especially since he is not christian/religious/etc.)

NEWsong

Thinking About Love...

blog-0471048001329146041.jpgI have known love...and I KNOW LOVE now. I have loved many people who have since died and I am grateful to have known and loved them even though "they are lost to me" now...their memories comfort me.

This Valentine's Day I think of precious loved ones that I will be sending only a "valentine from my heart to their memory". I had lost my "first love" and "found him" again after 25 years. LOVE is eternal. Our LOVE has only gotten stronger.

 

 

 

 

I thought that I "knew" love when I was a christian but now I see that the love that I "felt" and may have even expressed was not FULLY the life-giving, self-perpetuating power that I am beginning to understand it to be now. I believed that "when I became a christian" that I would have more love to give to my first love and others...I realize now that was a delusion. I had denied my choice to love with my heart to accept myself as being a proxy lover in order to "peddle the wares" of a "god" that I made up. I do not feel "dependent" upon a "god" to give me that love, either for myself or for me to give to others. LOVE is IN me and it is expressed whenever I choose to share it.

 

I no longer feel that it is "meted" out to a "select few". I feel that love has been withheld from me, for me and for others in an "emotional blackmail" sort of way. We would only "know love" if we "knew god". I do not feel nor have I ever believe that "love is earned" but in many ways, christianity has subtly reinforced that delusion with "acceptance" and "belonging" that one "feels" when they are "a child" or part of the "family of god".

 

I appreciate LOVE more now. I think that having the ability to express love "without strings" is the greatest Valentine's gift that I have received in a LONG time apart from this 2nd one with my TRUE LOVE...

NEWsong

blog-0506749001328816198.jpg"Coming out" is a term that is not exclusively for those talking about their sexual orientation or preferences but also for the EX christian who is "coming out" of hiding that fact that they are NO longer "of the faith". I found this to be the term used for ex-christians who have "deconverted" on the wonderful website for ex-christians called ex-christian.net.

 

I was at one of my favorite consignment stores; ok, it was the Goodwill store and it is awesome by the way. I have befriended one of the "associates" and she allows me to rummage through the jewelry in the glass counters and we chat for a while. We both have wonderful sons of about the same age. Today, upon chatting with Melissa, I "came out" of hiding and said for the first time to anyone but my Love, "I am not a christian any longer". I even told her that I had not said this to anyone outside my immediate family until now. The look on her face of having been "taken aback" seemed to mildly surprise as well as slightly amuse me. I wondered why I was amused by this. Perhaps that she "expected" by my kindness and interest in her as a person, that I "must be" a christian, like herself. I then told her that I "really love Jesus, even yet"...she replied "THAT'S good!" I mean that with all of my heart. I still believe that Jesus is awesome and love him.

 

Today, I believe that I got a little taste of the confusion that one may feel when they hear a deconvert's testimony. Maybe it IS easier for me to say it than for a christian to hear that I have made a conscious and very deliberate choice to NOT be a christian after living the christian life for over 25 years.

 

I feel good about "coming out" today. I feel good about WHO I AM and WHAT I FEEL AND THINK.

NEWsong

Reality Vs. Fantasy

I really have to say that I started this draft for this entry yesterday before reading and posting in the Lion's Den...

There is a christian song that I heard years ago that made absolutely NO sense to me

and many other christians at the time...

CHORUS:

I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus

Than walk in the light on my own

I'd rather go through the valley of the shadow with him

Than to dance on the mountains alone

I'd rather follow wherever he leads me

Than to go where none before me have gone

I'd rather walk in the dark with Jesus

Than to walk in the light of my own

 

That song BOTHERED me then because of the twisted imagery but NOW I see that MAYBE,

the writer of that song (Wayne Watson) really might have MEANT what he was saying...lol

 

The DARK is the denial of the delusion that we accept and use to keep us

from having to SEE OURSELVES in the true light;we see ourselves in "the light of Jesus"...

we are "forgiven, good, loved and accepted".We feel "entitled" to the community of others

who "believe as we do " (or did at least)...We feel safe and validated.

 

WALKING IN THE LIGHT on our own

is EXACTLY what a DECONVERTED christian does!!!! We "don't walk with Jesus" anymore...

We are walking in the LIGHT OF TRUTH and no longer in delusion and denial.

 

Reality is reality; christianity and trying to live the christian life is living a life that is a FANTASY!

NEWsong

Following My Bliss

I've really enjoyed and gotten much clarity about religion from watching Joseph Campbell "Power of Myth" DVDs. I think I started watching them in April 2011. I had been working through emotional issues of dealing with and divorcing a "religious controller and abuser" and had not been influenced by "the church" for about 6 months at that point but I still felt a reluctance about watching and "accepting the truth" that I would find there.

 

I remember watching the first three or four episodes before I could feel that the "irrational guard of my religion" would stop arguing and I could "relax" and "take in" the information rather than fight with or against the usual christian arguments as to why I should not believe what I was hearing.

 

Joseph Campbell's demeanour; one of true compassion and educational fervor, really convinced me that he was not a "christian hater" but that he LOVED myth and saw and spoke of the REAL PURPOSE for myth in our lives. This intrigued and impressed me to watch further.

 

Now, for me, Christianity is JUST ANOTHER MYTH...not a bad one but NOT AN ORIGINAL ONE EITHER. I still think Jesus is cool...probably always will. He was a close friend for many years and I shared the deepest and darkest parts of my heart with him. But I realize NOW, that MYTH is just that, MYTH. To hold onto the myth of christianity is NO DIFFERENT for me than someone holding onto the myth of other religions.

 

Following my Bliss...now THAT is a "reality" that I can follow.

NEWsong

Was I Really So Dense?

blog-0935180001328205573.jpgI really enjoy Ex christian.net...I never "envisioned" myself as an EX christian...maybe more of a NON Christian after many years, several DECADES of "living the christian life" and living it well, or so I thought.

 

I realize HOW DENSE I was mentally and intellectually. I KNOW that I was DEEP IN DENIAL about the domestically abusive marriage and a personality disordered (mentally ill) spouse and his dysfunctional daughter. I used DENIAL in order to survive (coping mechanism) WITHIN that abusive framework and until denial was broken, I truly believed that "it would get better" and that divorce might not happen...

 

Just like with "my christianity"...I NEVER and I repeat, NEVER EVER thought that I would someday NOT BE a chrisitan anymore. It was just TOO FAR AWAY for me to even visualize. I was JUST SO STEEPED into the denial and the delusion of a myth; LIKE SO MANY OTHERS PRECEDING IT in history, that I thought that I had "FOUND THE TRUTH"... WHY oh WHY did I cling onto A DELUSION when the TRUTH is much easier to understand and accept and LIVE???? Wendyshrug.gif

NEWsong

The day that I finally admitted to myself that "I am not a christian" anymore, I had mixed feelings. I was relieved on one hand and surprisingly at peace ironically.I didn't KNOW for sure that "not being" something would lead to BEING ME in a new way...that is why I named myself NEWsong for this forum. In christian circles, this means something else but it applies to my life. I am musical and have sung my WHOLE life so far and intend on continuing to sing.

 

I am not sure "what" my NEW song consists of but I know that it is not delusion and myth and "hoping against hope" for something in my life.I feel, for the first time, that I am MORE spiritual and honest and truly JOYFUL than ever before...

 

Thanks for reading and please leave a comment and/or question to continue to prompt my critical thinking and logical reasoning skills...I appreciate it!!!

 

NEWsong

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